[PinkFlamingo99]

Hi everyone,

I don't usually post in this forum but I guess I just needed some support or thoughts or anything for other people struggling with this.

I'm 33 and I was first diagnosed with BPD at 19 after a history of self-harm that by then had become deep enough for stitches every few weeks. I struggled a lot then too, but I think deep down I believed that things would just get better when I got older. I'd be stronger, less sad, able to cope better. Between then and I guess age 25, I did a part time treatment program (for mental illness in general), individual therapy, a borderline group for 12 weeks at the hospital, and a longer DBT group for 9 months. I didn't really try that hard to get better, to be honest, because I thought I would outgrow it.

I stopped cutting shortly after that, got a new psychiatrist and a new therapist. Without the cutting, nobody mentioned BPD. My new pdoc diagnosed me with depression, anxiety and possible OCD (from the reassurance-seeking), she didn't even consider BPD without the self-harm. I stopped cutting so nobody (family members) could try to use it against me. I didn't want any physical evidence of my brokenness on my body. The other stuff never stopped: the constant empty ache inside, pain that feels like it's going to kill me, fear of being disliked, self-hatred and verbal self-abuse, bulimia, self-neglect to the point where I haven't slept in my bed for almost a year because the state of my apartment is so bad I can't get in my bedroom, and another form of self-harm kind of along the sane lines as skin picking.

Anyway, so the relationship with that last therapist became VERY unhealthy to the point where she promised never to abandon me and told me I should move away with her when she retires. I loved her, luke an aunt or a close older family member. I started seeing her out if a clinic and then she saw me for free against the rules of the clinic during her vacations, sometimes 3 times a week. On weeks we couldn't meet, we talked on the phone. I got more and more frantic and panicked she would leave because I didn't feel that after 5 years I could survive without her. I got scared and no amount of reassurance was enough. ALL we talked about was my fear of losing her and in the meantime I was functioning even worse and worse. I told my pdoc I couldn't stop with the obsesive worrying, and nothing helped. I started cutting a bit again to calm the thoughts because I was just desperate, afraid of being abandoned, and the relationship with my therapist had started to feel really unhealthy. I got scared because I was falling back into cutting and I didn't wamt her to know because I thought she would be mad. I told her and she didn't want to know. I knew I needed help but I didn't know where to go. I told my pdoc I had been cutting a bit because I didn't know how to stop my obsessing, and she thought OCD and referred me up to the anxiety disorders program at the local looney bin.

I started working with one of the interns there on my obsessing, but I was too ashamed to be completely honest about what I was obsessing about (fear of abandonment). I was also kind of worried about overwhelming the poor girl. My cutting was getting worse and my living situation was awful, and I started having really dark suicidal thoughts because I realized I was going to have abandonment fears like that my whole life. I knew I needed more help but I didn't really know what to do. I stopped going to therapy with the intern because I couldn't be honest and it felt pointless.

Anyway, a bit after that, I had surgery twice to remove my gallbladder and was dealing with a really scary complication. My other therapist if 5+ years told me that "for my own good", we could only meet every 7 weeks or so and no contact outside of sessions. Woukdn't tell me why at that time, and after kept changing her story. This was after 5 years of being so close that she had no boundaries at all. I was hurt, felt ashamed, and was completely devestated. I don't think I've ever felt so betrayed and heartbroken, especially since she didn't seem to care about minimizing the damage or how it affected me at all. This happrned roughly 4 months after she said she would never leave me and I should move with her when she retired. I was so confused, still sick from surgery (a week after the second surgery and about 3 weeks after the first one) and dealing with a scary complication. I couldn't deal, felt completely alone and worthless, and soon the cutting became deep enough for stitches again, and then deep enougb for a lot of stitches, if I had bothered going.

Anyway, so that intern's supervisor ended up calling me and asking if I wanted to come back and talk to her because she had the feeling things were worse than I admitted. Anyway, her field is BPD and I had a feeling she saw the symptoms right away and it made me uncomfortable (in the past that diagnosis had hurt me a lot), she also got me a new pdoc at the hospital and the diagnosed me with depression and bpd traits. She took me as one of her own clients, and I felt really safe and comfortable with her. She doesn't have creepy inappropriate lack of boundaries like the other one and she us the only therapist that has helped me A LOT (It's been about a year now). I still struggle and still feel damaged by what happened with the other therapist. I don't cut as much anymore but I have twice in the past 4 months and it was BAD both times.

Possible trigger:

i cut from my wrist to crook of my elbow all the way through the muscle and now I have spasms in my arm

So, now I have that BPD diagnosis back and I know deep down they are right. But it hurts because of all the stigma and the fact that it implies certain thing about me that I don't think are true. The last time I cut, they told me it had gotten to the point of being life-threatening and if I cut even one more time it would be negligent of them to keep me in theraoy once a week and I'm going to be referred up to the intensive longterm BPD program. In a way it makes me feel safer that they aren't going to just "let" me keep hurting myself so badly, but at the same time it makes me scared and sad that I've gotten*worse* since I was first diagnosed at 19, and I've cone full circle. I know it never went away, and if anything, I've lost a lot of the hope I used to have. I'm really scared and sad and afraid of being left alone to deal with this again. I'm afraid of never getting better. I am lucky to finallt be getting help from someone who understands (and is very experienced in treating)) cutting/BPD,

I'm in grad school for ministry, and although my current therapist and pdoc believe I can get well enough to do that job,I'm so sad and scared that I'll never be well. I'm slowly learninh to takr care of myself (eating, cleaning, talking less abusively to myself), but there is SO MUCH to work on it feels impossible.

The hospital has been closed for 2 weeks over Christmas and it was really hard to go 3 weeks with no support. She is going to check my arms and legs when we meet next week (I agreed because I really know I need to stop and cutting like this is dangerous), and to be honest that's the main reason why I haven't cut. They told me this is only one of two cases they have seen where the cutting was at the point of being life-threatening and it was so scary to hear, I was in denial.

I'm not sure what the point of this long, rambling post is. If you're still reading, you're amazing.

I'm just sad and empty and scares and struggling with no support for a few weeks and painful thoughts of thet previous unethical therapist hurting me. Sometimes I still miss her so much it feels like I'm being ripped in 2. My other support is my pastor and she is on Christmas vacation, and it hurts to be alone with these thoughts.

[Cassy12]

It sounds like you have been through a lot and have learned from your experiences. I hope you can stay safe while waiting for people to get back from vacation. You have a clear goal of becoming a minister and I think that is great - maybe your experiences can help someone else!
I don't have much to say but wanted to say something
-C

[HALLIEBETH87]

I hope you can get the help you need and feel better.