[estrella]

Loneliness is the cause of emptiness. My therapist asked me, "Did they really leave you, or do you just think that? Did they really say those nasty things, or are you just jumping to conclusions?"

It's not necessarily perceived abandonment which psychologists suspect those with borderline PD have. More often than not, it's because we've been neglected in some area of life--parents, friends, family, lovers. Anyone we were close to at one point who literally didn't give a damn and walked out. There's a lot of pain in that, loving someone who just runs away. And even getting closer to another person, you'll have your fears and doubts and major trust issues, and panic and want to run. Sometimes, we do--because it hurts to be close. It's how we learned how to survive early on, when people didn't stick around.

We were taught to hate ourselves. Being called stupid, being told you can't do something because [insert name here] does it better, you're not wired for it. You're not worthy, you take up space. Being used and taken advantage of by people who should have been your friends. ...it's not perceived. At least, not at first, because that was our lesson, what we were taught.

People who were close gave us the nugget of knowledge that we're nothing. We aren't deserving of food we eat or the clothes we wear or the company you keep. Nothing is nothing that deserves nothing.

So we run. Because we care too much and too deeply about losing you. It hurts more when you up and decide to leave, but when we do it, we're in control. It hurts us less, and with our mode of thinking, our intent is on personal survival. We're not thinking of how it will hurt you in the moment. If we argue, if one of us is upset, it falls back on us, because we remember how we're not worth it. You're more valuable. But we're going to hate you. Because you hurt us. You thought that we weren't worth it, or else you wouldn't have started the argument, or you wouldn't have made me upset, and I made you upset, for just being me, that little worthless person no one likes. I should just leave and you'll be better off. Because we still love you and care for you. But life is about survival...fight or flight.

Fear is the driving force of survival. Fear tells us what is dangerous and what isn't, and we have to learn from our pasts to get there. It drains us. We get sad and angry. We get happy when someone is there. But we get scared when we ask ourselves how long they will be there. We begin to doubt ourselves and them. We're lonely, and empty.

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...that's kind of what it's like. And being told, "Did they REALLY do this or do you THINK they did?" is a statement which gives the same invalidation as what brought us to you in the first place.

Borderline PD is so misunderstood. It isn't as much of a mental disorder as it is dysfunctional wiring and a survival mechanism. A lesson learned. And people are so quick to jump the gun on how we're such selfish, heartless creatures with a ****ed up personality. But if you had been through it, too, tell me you wouldn't have come out with a few bumps and bruises along the way.

We're more than worth love and companionship and the very space we breathe in. We all are. No one has the right to tell you those things or do those things to you. And yes, it's bad to run. But it's worse to conclude that we're bad people. We're not.

And this is why I wanted to be a psychologist before, and I find myself wanting to research these patterns of thinking. It's my way of understanding life. And coming to terms with the past. I'm learning I'm worth more than my weight of gold and the people who are in my life have filled that empty space. I'm happier.

Love is truly all we need.

[kamikazebaby]

This is an amazing post. Thank you. Well said!

Love your signature.

Well put! Makes bpd seem less the evil people want us to believe. Validation of sorts.

[AtreyuFreak]

Couldn't have said it better! It's so easy for people to label borderlines or write us off because they don't know what it's like. They haven't lived it, even for a day.

[Seraphine]

So so well worded. I wish everyone who has someone with bpd in their lives could read this. Maybe then they would hurt us less.

[estrella]

I'm so glad it could help you guys. Thank you. I hope people who don't understand will one day come to terms with the disorder in someone they love instead of pushing them away. Hugs to everyone.