[Ithilanar]

Heya. I've read about the different phases of borderline when you enter a relationship, not that I'd call it science, but I feel that this is exactly where I'm at right now. For clarification: How a Borderline Relationship Evolves | BPDFamily. I don't really like the article as I find it rather.. spiteful, but I guess it's right to some extent. I recently got married to a guy I love to death and whom I know is a great and loving person and who sees through my disorder and sees me behind it. However, it doesn't change the fact that now I feel utterly trapped in the "hater" phase. More specifically, I started suffering from a great amount of "retroactive jealousy", something I didn't understand at first, but I ended up googling "OCD jealousy" and retroactive jealousy is apparently the right term for it. I can't for the love of me stop focusing on his past, meaning his past relationship with his ex, which even happened ages ago.. I will ask him questions about every detail of his previous sex life and randomly trigger over whichever seems to hurt me the most. After I found out it was "retroactive jealousy" I started reading these books saying it's like OCD, so you gotta stop the compulsion in order to help the obsessive thoughts. So I stopped asking him details as much as I could, though a few triggers still come up that I have to deal with. It has gotten better but it's always in the back of my mind, torturing the hell out of me. I've tried to follow a few things they write in the book, but I think the fact that I have BPD may get in the way of getting "fixed" like a "normal" person. My jealousy is just bound to be stronger and more persistent, and if you try to ignore the obsessive thoughts, it's as if they grow larger. AJ Mahari says you must face the pain, which is what I first did, and interpreted it as facing all the triggers which obviously did no good but made everything worse. Zachary Stockhill (retroactive jealousy) says to be mindful and basically ignore the thoughts which don't work either. Sigh. So yeah, I'm at my wit's end, because I think I'm on my way to destroying this relationship if I don't find my way out of this hater phase. I generally feel distrustful, suspicious, angry, defensive around him, yet he has done absolutely nothing to provoke this. I feel that my mind has just decided he's a threat and will find any means possible to push him away to make me safe, even if it means making stuff up and hyperfocusing on his past, which there isn't even anything wrong with. I just WANT to see threats and I can't rationalize worth a damn. I'm so fricking frustrated. I know the problem lies with my self esteem, but if just reading constant 'positive affirmations' every day and what not could fix that void, then my entire disorder would be fixed in no time. Which obviously isn't so easy. Have any of you been through the same thing? Will time help make you feel more secure and at ease? How can I ever see him for what he is, someone who loves me a lot and wants nothing but for me to be happy with him? Meh. It's so easy to end up in a deep whirlpool of despair where you think the only way out is death. It's also a lonely place to be stuck in. Most people won't know and can't relate to what I'm going through. Therapy's not an option at this point, and I also found them quite incompetent when I did attempt it.. I know, it's about searching and finding the right ones, but I don't have the particular funds for it. Anyway, do share any experience or advice you may have, I'd appreciate connecting with anyone in the same boat.

[AtreyuFreak]

That article is just plain mean! Comparing us to Berserkers in the city of Troy? Jeez! I have a personality disorder through no fault of my own; I'm not a murderous psychopath. I think whoever wrote that particular article had a bad experience with a borderline, cause they sound like a little child with hurt feelings.

I'm sorry, I don't have any similar experiences or words of actual value. I just had to say, whoever wrote that article was out of line. I'm sorry you're having a hard time right now.

(((Hugs)))