[Freefallphoenix]

I'm feeling pretty rubbish at the moment. Trapped in a 'happy' life that slowly feels like it is killing me.

I should be happy.
I should be happy.
I should be happy...

is the mantra playing in my head.

And yet I feel desperately unhappy. Which makes me hate myself.

I should be grateful, thankful, appreciative...

I have a husband, a house and healthy children. A lot of people here with BPD would be happy to have all that I imagine.

And here I am every day feeling more and more depressed. Like I can feel my spirit slowly draining away.

And every time I cry I hate myself a bit more...

[Imah]

One thing I have come to accept with my mental illnesses is, I can't hide my honest feelings for very long. The more I repress, the more they distort.

Your not alone in that confusing struggle.

[Pastel Kitten]

I often feel the same way. I've been with my very supportive boyfriend for 4 years now. We've lived together in an apartment for 2 years, and he provides everything I need. He's never once made me feel that he would leave me for someone else, or that my thoughts and feelings were unheard. I know this is huge, especially for someone with BPD and I'm so thankful to have him but I end up relapsing into severe depression and hating every aspect of my life, including myself. It puts him under enormous stress as well (even though he's told me numerous times that it's only because he cares so much about me and hates seeing me like this) but it still makes me feel awful nonetheless. He's already stressed out from work as it is.

You're not alone and the way you feel does not make you ungrateful. Even in a happy, safe environment BPD has a nasty tendency to lash out.

[kamikazebaby]

Originally Posted by Freefallphoenix

I'm feeling pretty rubbish at the moment. Trapped in a 'happy' life that slowly feels like it is killing me.

I should be happy.
I should be happy.
I should be happy...

is the mantra playing in my head.

And yet I feel desperately unhappy. Which makes me hate myself.

I should be grateful, thankful, appreciative...

I have a husband, a house and healthy children. A lot of people here with BPD would be happy to have all that I imagine.

And here I am every day feeling more and more depressed. Like I can feel my spirit slowly draining away.

And every time I cry I hate myself a bit more...

We cannot help that even when we have some of our needs met, we notice when others are not. Needs are needs. And even if someone is there to support you and cares about you, if it's not in the way that you need, you are only going to receive part of the benefit. As much as what you have is wonderful, it also layers additional pressures on you. When we struggle to take care of ourselves and just make it through each day, being responsible for anything or anyone else can be extremely stressful. It's extra pressure, no matter how much you love your husband and children.

[kamikazebaby]

Originally Posted by Pastel Kitten

I often feel the same way. I've been with my very supportive boyfriend for 4 years now. We've lived together in an apartment for 2 years, and he provides everything I need. He's never once made me feel that he would leave me for someone else, or that my thoughts and feelings were unheard. I know this is huge, especially for someone with BPD and I'm so thankful to have him but I end up relapsing into severe depression and hating every aspect of my life, including myself. It puts him under enormous stress as well (even though he's told me numerous times that it's only because he cares so much about me and hates seeing me like this) but it still makes me feel awful nonetheless. He's already stressed out from work as it is.

You're not alone and the way you feel does not make you ungrateful. Even in a happy, safe environment BPD has a nasty tendency to lash out.

I am so glad that you have him, and that he treats you so well. If it were only your world with him, then I'm sure that would be easier, but it's not. You have other stressors, and deal with things that he could never possibly understand. This is the tough part sometimes for people who care about us yet are on the outside. While their love and support can provide us with a valuable buffer and a more stable grip on the cliff, it can't prevent us from experiencing the challenges of BPD, depression, etc. *hugs*

And as I said to Phoenix, even love can become pressure sometimes, as awful as that is. Because then you start worrying about hurting, stressing, worrying, burdening your loved one. You try harder to seem okay, to hold it together, for their sake. It cuts you off a bit (or a lot).

I think this is part of why being able to talk to people who share those issues is so important. We're on the outside and able to offer the kind of support and understanding that our loved ones just can't.

[Freefallphoenix]

Originally Posted by Imah

One thing I have come to accept with my mental illnesses is, I can't hide my honest feelings for very long. The more I repress, the more they distort.

Your not alone in that confusing struggle.

Thank you Imah,

Thank you for reminding me that in those dark moments when I feel so alone, I'm actually not. It's hard to even come here sometimes, thinking 'There I go again, complaining about my life, when I SHOULD BE HAPPY... '

How on earth does this crazyness get such a tight hold?!? I'm still getting used to the idea that I actually do make sense to you guys here. Which helps me make sense to myself, and I am so grateful for that.

Thank you

[Freefallphoenix]

Originally Posted by kamikazebaby

We cannot help that even when we have some of our needs met, we notice when others are not. Needs are needs. And even if someone is there to support you and cares about you, if it's not in the way that you need, you are only going to receive part of the benefit. As much as what you have is wonderful, it also layers additional pressures on you. When we struggle to take care of ourselves and just make it through each day, being responsible for anything or anyone else can be extremely stressful. It's extra pressure, no matter how much you love your husband and children.

Thank you kamikaze,

That is it exactly, that the responsibility of family (or work or whatever) sadly does become another pressure. Some days are obviously better than others but when I feel that low it is unbearable to think of meeting anyone else's need and the feeling that comes with that is one of failure, of being lacking, of letting others down. But especially my husband and children, I hate my children to see me depressed - it so much reminds me of my experience of my mother being depressed when I was a child. It's the double edged sword of being loved/needed - how can I dare to put my needs/feelings above another? How can I show them the emotional mess that I am in /get into, without the shame driving my feelings underground?

The guilt is immense and never ending - the guilt of not being more, giving more, of having needs - how dare I have more needs... I wish I could smash that broken record that plays endlessly in my head...

[kelseashell]

There's no reason to shame yourself for your feelings, though I know it can be a natural reflex - for me, as well. There is nothing wrong with you, or your relationships, because you experience depression. BPD is a very hard road to be on, but even just coming here to air out your frustrations is a great step.

Good luck.

[Freefallphoenix]

Originally Posted by Pastel Kitten

I often feel the same way. I've been with my very supportive boyfriend for 4 years now. We've lived together in an apartment for 2 years, and he provides everything I need. He's never once made me feel that he would leave me for someone else, or that my thoughts and feelings were unheard. I know this is huge, especially for someone with BPD and I'm so thankful to have him but I end up relapsing into severe depression and hating every aspect of my life, including myself. It puts him under enormous stress as well (even though he's told me numerous times that it's only because he cares so much about me and hates seeing me like this) but it still makes me feel awful nonetheless. He's already stressed out from work as it is.

You're not alone and the way you feel does not make you ungrateful. Even in a happy, safe environment BPD has a nasty tendency to lash out.

Thank you Pastel Kitten,

You really capture a lot of my experience of my marriage - and over twenty years it is very hard for me to believe that I am not going to be rejected BECAUSE my husband has 'put up with me' for so long. Which is weird, because you'd think I'd be more convinced of how much he loves me because he hasn't already left me!

I fight myself at every turn, for feeling the way I feel, for my feelings not being real or justified, despite the distress and suicidal thoughts I experience when I hit a crisis. If I could allow myself to feel, without beating myself up and getting overwhelmed by thoughts of being 'better off (for everybody) if I were dead ' things would be a little easier.

And as secure as it has been having a husband also financially support me, the downside is that I often berate myself for being so dependent on him and child-like - I feel vulnerable and sometimes 'trapped' because of this dependency. How could I ever support myself and make my own way, like a 'real' grown up? He could decide at any time he wanted to divorce and then I'd have no way of supporting myself.

My most recent serious 'crisis', at the end of last summer, happened because I pushed myself relentlessly for the whole year: starting a new job at the start of the year, driven by anxiety about not being able to afford therapy if left on my own (I could NOT survive without therapy, its become an essential element in my life.)

I also decided to take on another counselling placement, to gain more experience. Things just got crazy and chaotic - I had two accidents in my car that I had to accept liability with my insurance company and did feel responsible for. This was not easy to admit.

And the year ended with me having an operation on my foot, diagnosed 'end stage arthritis', the result of anxiety-driven, repetitive toe and foot clenching over a number of years. And in effect, I was 'grounded' - honestly, the best thing that could have happened.

It means a great deal to know I am not alone with this stuff. I apologise for the length of this, those that have made it to the end, it's just that I've never really had anyone to talk to aboend most of this stuff. I didn't realise I'd stored up so much.

[Freefallphoenix]

Originally Posted by kelseashell

There's no reason to shame yourself for your feelings, though I know it can be a natural reflex - for me, as well. There is nothing wrong with you, or your relationships, because you experience depression. BPD is a very hard road to be on, but even just coming here to air out your frustrations is a great step.

Good luck.

Thank you kelsea,

Slowly slowly, I think I am starting to accept the reality of my experiences and feelings. I have heard people saying it, but never imagined the complexity of emotion and process there is involved with BPD.

I would very much like to offer some good luck back to you