[Xena29]

I'm not sure if I have borderline personality disorder. Honestly, I don't know what is going on with me. All I know is I have problems and I desperately want answers and also want to fix whatever is wrong with me. I can't afford to go to therapy right now. So, I'll take whatever I can get I guess. Anyway, I have always had a hard time understanding the essence of who I am. Who am I? I don't know! I always have to mimic other people's personality traits. I don't try to...it just happens. If Im around someone for too long...I start to act like them, and talk like them. I catch myself doing it all the time. When I do catch myself, it depresses me because I wanna be someone...I want to be me, but I have no idea how to act like me. Does that make sense? I even mimic certain people on TV shows I love! If I like the character on TV, I'll pick up certain things from their personality and fit it into mine somehow. Whatever..its just all confusing to me. I hate it so much.lol..I don't even know what my own unique laugh sounds like because I pick up on peoples laughs too!!!! Maybe I'm just crazy...maybe Im delusional and I only THINK I don't act like me when I really do. I don't know. I get so nervous around people...I fill like I'm walking on eggshells all the time. Does that make sense? I hope so because inaint making sense to myself. Anyways, so there it is....I hope someone has some advise for me because I'm miserable.

[kamikazebaby]

Unstable identity can definitely manifest in that kind of extreme mirroring/chameleon-type behavior (I had to create internal buffers years ago to keep my "private" self safe and only "me" while I'm serving in whatever role/capacity for others). It varies from person to person. There are a few good books out there. I'm sorry you are suffering.

[cryingontheinside]

I am sorry you are struggling with who you are. I hope you find some support here and keep posting

Hugs,

~ Sophie

Sent from my GT-S6810P using Tapatalk

[Pastel Kitten]

I can relate. I often feel like I have no sense of identity and like you, pick up on other people's personality traits and begin to unconsciously mimic them. To an extent, it's normal to "inherit" some traits and quirks of the people you hang out with the most but I do believe the feeling of having no real identity save for relationships with others is a borderline trait. I'm sorry that you're struggling so much. I'm in a similar situation where I can't really afford a therapist on top of already seeing a pdoc but there is such a thing as sliding scale therapy which we're going to have to look into. Maybe you can try that too

[Trippin2.0]

I spent all of my childhood / teenaged years and nearly half of my twenties chameleoning.


Never felt like I quite fit in until I mirrored someone.


I found it quite frustrating to say the least.


And even though I eventually singled out the characteristics I would most like to keep, and which felt most authentic, "who am I?" Was never a question I could answer. It always felt like I had no core self.


In retrospect, I doubt many can answer that question eloquently, and without hesitation...


My T had me complete a writing exercise on the topic. I honestly had NO clue where to start, but he gave me an insightful tip...


He said to think of my bf, think of the characteristics that drew me to him, that makes me love him and appreciate him, and write them down.


Then after that, attempt my writing exercise using the same concept. Except loving myself was a bit if a stretch. Lol


I must say, it was eye opening, and he has encouraged me to keep at it, in case I find more info, but I haven't found much, save for two revelations about myself.


Maybe its something you could try, and see how far you get? Just to have an idea of what lies beneath.

[Aina]

Having a weak sense of self doesn't necessarily mean borderline, but it does mean there's something that bothers you and won't let you properly connect with your ego. A lot of dependant people deal with this issue too. You might not have a personality disorder after all, maybe just very low self esteem. You should try and talk to someone about this though...

[ThesisGirl]

I totally identify with this. I would always find myself copying traits of people I particularly admired or wanted to "be" at the time - which pretty much changes from day to day. I'd copy hairstyles and clothing styles and personality traits and then a few days later it'd change to someone else and I'd want to do things differently again. When it's been someone I actually know and spend a lot of time around I would get SO self-conscious about it and become super paranoid that they would think I was copying them and find it stupid or weird, to the extent where I felt I had to make sure I *didn't* show that trait when I was around them. For example I was using a certain type of bag because my friend used one like that I and wanted to do it too, but I felt self-concious about using it around her in case she thought I was copying her that I never used it when I was around her!

It's definitely confusing, I feel ya. You feel like you don't have a sense of "you", just the bits of other people you've picked up along the way.

[lostinsidemyself]

Originally Posted by Xena29

I'm not sure if I have borderline personality disorder. Honestly, I don't know what is going on with me. All I know is I have problems and I desperately want answers and also want to fix whatever is wrong with me. I can't afford to go to therapy right now. So, I'll take whatever I can get I guess. Anyway, I have always had a hard time understanding the essence of who I am. Who am I? I don't know! I always have to mimic other people's personality traits. I don't try to...it just happens. If Im around someone for too long...I start to act like them, and talk like them. I catch myself doing it all the time. When I do catch myself, it depresses me because I wanna be someone...I want to be me, but I have no idea how to act like me. Does that make sense? I even mimic certain people on TV shows I love! If I like the character on TV, I'll pick up certain things from their personality and fit it into mine somehow. Whatever..its just all confusing to me. I hate it so much.lol..I don't even know what my own unique laugh sounds like because I pick up on peoples laughs too!!!! Maybe I'm just crazy...maybe Im delusional and I only THINK I don't act like me when I really do. I don't know. I get so nervous around people...I fill like I'm walking on eggshells all the time. Does that make sense? I hope so because inaint making sense to myself. Anyways, so there it is....I hope someone has some advise for me because I'm miserable.

I dont know how I really am either; I think (think being the big word) that Im learning that im not the cult's beliefs about me...but without them then whom am i? Maybe thats why i clutch onto them so tightly not wanting to let them go.

I loved the idea of writing down why you love someone and then write what you love about you (that last part would be impossible for me so maybe write from that other person's view point?) But that was an awesome assignment and i might just do it!

Its not BPD, or any disorder, its a lack of self, or a lack of sense of self. And that can come with just about any disorder, or no disorder. I wouldnt try to label it, i would maybe do the above exersise as suggested by another member and then i would also google "exercises to gain a better sense of self"; i bet there are many MANY you can do to figure out who YOU are!

I think you unconsciencely do it (just my thought based on me) because you dont like who you are and so you sorta unconsciencly try to make a "better you" to yourself.

I think YOU are awesome!

[Xena29]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I spent all of my childhood / teenaged years and nearly half of my twenties chameleoning.


Never felt like I quite fit in until I mirrored someone.


I found it quite frustrating to say the least.


And even though I eventually singled out the characteristics I would most like to keep, and which felt most authentic, "who am I?" Was never a question I could answer. It always felt like I had no core self.


In retrospect, I doubt many can answer that question eloquently, and without hesitation...


My T had me complete a writing exercise on the topic. I honestly had NO clue where to start, but he gave me an insightful tip...


He said to think of my bf, think of the characteristics that drew me to him, that makes me love him and appreciate him, and write them down.


Then after that, attempt my writing exercise using the same concept. Except loving myself was a bit if a stretch. Lol


I must say, it was eye opening, and he has encouraged me to keep at it, in case I find more info, but I haven't found much, save for two revelations about myself.


Maybe its something you could try, and see how far you get? Just to have an idea of what lies beneath.

Hey, thanks. I actually might try that. Although, the writing down what I love about me will be a bit difficult for me seeing how I don't know who I really am. I have hobbies and I know what I like, but I don't know what makes me ME lol. Anyway, you know what I mean. I'll give it a try. I'm up for trying anything to find out who I am.

[Xena29]

Originally Posted by Aina

Having a weak sense of self doesn't necessarily mean borderline, but it does mean there's something that bothers you and won't let you properly connect with your ego. A lot of dependant people deal with this issue too. You might not have a personality disorder after all, maybe just very low self esteem. You should try and talk to someone about this though...

Yes, I do believe I have very low self esteem. Or none...one of the 2. Because of my past, growing up was difficult. It was hard keeping friends. They never seemed to wanna be around me. They would love me, then abandon me. I was so messed up from what happened to me....I didn't know how to act. I was desperate for attention because I didn't get the positive attention from my home. So, I did things to make people not like me so much I guess. I tried fitting in by being someone else which got me into trouble at school a lot. I never thought anyone really liked who I really was. My ex step dad didn't help me in that department. He was too busy being angry at me or my sisters. He never really took the time to help us grow emotionally. In fact, he emotionally crippled us. I was always and still am the 3rd wheel in everything. My friends and family talk to each other and I'm left out...and when I do have something to say, its not as interesting as the other people. Or, I'll try to say something and I'm interrupted. I don't know what it is about me that people don't really care too much for. I'm not bad looking and I'm always clean...I never have bugers hanging from my nose...so, its just my personality!. People seem to like me when I'm acting like other people. So, yeah...that's what I do. I guess I just been doing it for so long that I forgot who I was. I'm 29...been doing this for as long as I can remember.

[Xena29]

Originally Posted by ThesisGirl

I totally identify with this. I would always find myself copying traits of people I particularly admired or wanted to "be" at the time - which pretty much changes from day to day. I'd copy hairstyles and clothing styles and personality traits and then a few days later it'd change to someone else and I'd want to do things differently again. When it's been someone I actually know and spend a lot of time around I would get SO self-conscious about it and become super paranoid that they would think I was copying them and find it stupid or weird, to the extent where I felt I had to make sure I *didn't* show that trait when I was around them. For example I was using a certain type of bag because my friend used one like that I and wanted to do it too, but I felt self-concious about using it around her in case she thought I was copying her that I never used it when I was around her!

It's definitely confusing, I feel ya. You feel like you don't have a sense of "you", just the bits of other people you've picked up along the way.

It almost feels like a day to day job. It becomes a little stressful at times. =)

[Xena29]

Originally Posted by lostinsidemyself

I dont know how I really am either; I think (think being the big word) that Im learning that im not the cult's beliefs about me...but without them then whom am i? Maybe thats why i clutch onto them so tightly not wanting to let them go.

I loved the idea of writing down why you love someone and then write what you love about you (that last part would be impossible for me so maybe write from that other person's view point?) But that was an awesome assignment and i might just do it!

Its not BPD, or any disorder, its a lack of self, or a lack of sense of self. And that can come with just about any disorder, or no disorder. I wouldnt try to label it, i would maybe do the above exersise as suggested by another member and then i would also google "exercises to gain a better sense of self"; i bet there are many MANY you can do to figure out who YOU are!

I think you unconsciencely do it (just my thought based on me) because you dont like who you are and so you sorta unconsciencly try to make a "better you" to yourself.

I think YOU are awesome!

I don't want to liable it either =) I just want to be fixed. I want to live in peace with myself. I'm sure everyone in this forum wants that too. Thanks =) I think YOUR awesome too =D

[lostinsidemyself]

Originally Posted by Xena29

Hey, thanks. I actually might try that. Although, the writing down what I love about me will be a bit difficult for me seeing how I don't know who I really am. I have hobbies and I know what I like, but I don't know what makes me ME lol. Anyway, you know what I mean. I'll give it a try. I'm up for trying anything to find out who I am.

Ask someone that knows you "what are some good things you see about me" write them down ( even if you think they arent true) and read through them often...see if you can see if they are real. I bet a lot are!