[ScarletPimpernel]

I don't usually post here, but this belongs on this forum.

I'm hurting. I feel like I'm never going to get better. I'm afraid of people. I don't know why. Logically, they're not mean, ugly, scary monsters who bite. Maybe some :P And I actually do have good social skills despite my fears. And then there's my therapeutic relationships where I get attached and have an immense fear of abandonment.

I'm supposed to be full of potential, high functioning, intelligent... But I feel like a failure. I don't think I'm ever going to progress to "normal". Yes, a lot of my symptoms have lessened like my self-harm and suicidal thoughts (thanks to medication). And things like anger have never been much of an issue. But the fear of abandonment, problems with relationships, and black and white thinking don't seem to get better. Least not a lot.

What if I can't get better? What if this is the best I can do with the BPD? What if I'm really just a waste of life? I want to be "normal", but I just can't seem to be.

And I have attended a modified DBT group. Two actually. I understand the concepts. I don't have anything memorized (does that make a difference?). But putting things into practice seems like an feat.

They say BPD gets better with age. Does anyone know what age? I'm 33. Still too young? About the right age to see change? How much longer do I have to suffer?

(((scarlet))) we tend to when we are down try to see all of life at one time not looking at the end of the tunnel. None of us can see our whole lives now and i doubt any of us could handle that. We are meant to live one day at a time. So how we think or what we focus on and dwell on and blow up can seem like a mountain when it is just a pebble along the trail.
When i get a stone in my shoe, i stop take the shoe off and throw the pebble out then i put the shoe back on and it feels better, i keep walking. That is what we are doing here. The questioning if you will ever get better is like looking inside the dark tunnel and taking your eyes off the end where the light is. It is our thoughts along the way and what we tell ourselves that help us see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Self talk and affirmation is important. I look at it like this: For myself anytime i say I am no good, or I am a failure, or anything negative i cannot afford the luxury to loathe in self pity for it sabatogues me to getting better. I have to see myself as i am: a good person, one of many wonderful qualities and abilities. How i feel is not who i am. I must remember that, and you must also. When we change our thinking we change. I know it is difficult to hear but put affirmation positive ones around the house. Say them many times a day to where after a week you begin to feel them inside yourself. You will see a difference.
I am sure you have heard how to overcome anger: To pray for those you hate or who have injured you. When you pray for those who harmed you in some way and want the best for them you are removing the offense that festers and corrupts the heart and the mind within. Well it is the same thing with US> how we think about ourselves. So start praying the best for yourself, loving wonderful things, forgive yourself, stop berating yourself for past mistakes and failures for those are learning experiences they were never meant to define who we are. They are meant for our growth to learn and become a better person.
Why do we go through those things: failures? So by our experiences when someone new comes along we can say; "i been there, i know what you are talking about"... you can then take your experiences and help others...
I hope things do get better for you. Blessings and tc

[MobiusPsyche]

For me the goal is not to be "normal" but to be "someone I myself would want to be in a relationship (friendly or romantic) with." That requires seeing the good and the bad in myself, and seeing how the good things like my sense of humor and intelligence and compassion more than balance out the bad things like my bursts of anger and moodiness and negativity.

If you'll only be happy if you're symptom-free or "completely normal" then you might be setting yourself up for continued disappointment. I'm high functioning too but I still have significant difficulties to deal with, including depression.

I hope the best for you.

Sent from my mobile device using Tapatalk.

[zijax]

Every day I have to push myself to do something good. Sometimes it is so hard. It can be taking an art class in a big city or simply putting the dishes away. I'm trying to get a little better every day. I don't cop out of things the way I used to. I am an active participant in life and I have something, me, to bring to the table. You are a special and unique individual. You have had the courage to lay your heart on the line here. Pat yourself on the back for that. You took an action. There is no measure better of my current growth than that of the past. I look back yet I don't stare. Today I am happy and I am noticing birds and trees and I am happy to be alive. I am glad you are here on the planet too.

[Fuzzybear]

[dancinglady]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I don't usually post here, but this belongs on this forum.

I'm hurting. I feel like I'm never going to get better. I'm afraid of people. I don't know why. Logically, they're not mean, ugly, scary monsters who bite. Maybe some :P And I actually do have good social skills despite my fears. And then there's my therapeutic relationships where I get attached and have an immense fear of abandonment.

I'm supposed to be full of potential, high functioning, intelligent... But I feel like a failure. I don't think I'm ever going to progress to "normal". Yes, a lot of my symptoms have lessened like my self-harm and suicidal thoughts (thanks to medication). And things like anger have never been much of an issue. But the fear of abandonment, problems with relationships, and black and white thinking don't seem to get better. Least not a lot.

What if I can't get better? What if this is the best I can do with the BPD? What if I'm really just a waste of life? I want to be "normal", but I just can't seem to be.

And I have attended a modified DBT group. Two actually. I understand the concepts. I don't have anything memorized (does that make a difference?). But putting things into practice seems like an feat.

They say BPD gets better with age. Does anyone know what age? I'm 33. Still too young? About the right age to see change? How much longer do I have to suffer?

I do not understand why they say age this gets better. I was in my 40s when I got diagnosed. It does not get better with age this of course is my experience. The older you get the more you start accepting all your losses and accept that your expectations need to get reduced substantially. You learn to live with things that you don't want or need. Yiu let go of expectation for a normal or happy life. Again my experience.

[zijax]

I do not understand why they say age this gets better. I was in my 40s when I got diagnosed. It does not get better with age this of course is my experience. The older you get the more you start accepting all your losses and accept that your expectations need to get reduced substantially. You learn to live with things that you don't want or need. Yiu let go of expectation for a normal or happy life. Again my experience.

I agree with all of this except letting go of the expectation for a happy life. No one can take that away from me, no illness. I'm responsible for my own happiness no matter what is going on. It's an inside job and normal people don't have the only right to happiness.

[LittleEarthquakes]

I like your username. Yes, it's necessary to remember the skills and practice them. That makes a huge difference.

I'm 50 with traits of borderline and bipolar. I don't have any problems with relationships because i don't have any relationships. I have a lot of acquaintances in my support group and Scrabble club and between that and my sweet little dog my minimum social needs are met. I tried to get a boyfriend three years ago and it went so badly i shaved my head when he rejected me [i'm a woman -- it looked terrible and i was sick over how ugly i looked]. So, if that experience was any indication, my relationship troubles are still alive and well and i just don't give them any opportunity to bother me. I'm a big black-and-white thinker as well. I don't self-harm and i haven't had a suicide attempt in three years. Hmm... Now that i've written it out i don't actually seem to be doing all that well. At least i'm doing well financially, with substantial savings. I feel good about that. And i've discovered self-acceptance and have stopped harrassing myself about my weight.

The pressure to be social eases a lot with age. I enjoy doing activities alone now. When i go to a gallery i can go at my own pace. I can leave a boring movie if i want. I can eat a messy taco meal without worrying about manners. I can focus on the festival rather than entertaining a companion. I can cry if i feel emotional and indulgent in church without freaking someone out. I can go to bed at 8:30pm like a little kid if i want and sleep undisturbed.

Relationships just don't seem worth it. All the sturm und drang.

[StrawberryFieldsss]

I coulda kinda written apfeis post except for that Ive lived most of my life that way. I have traveled a lot, almost all of it alone. I dont really worry about relationships anymore, because I feel that they would just complicate my life too much, and not in a good way.

I dont think this gets better with age either. I think its more that one will adapt better... perhaps that is what is meant by that. I have to struggle with not just flat out quitting my job in one of my borderline moment or going off on a colleague because I am stressed. The struggle is so obvious right now.. I used to cloak it in social justice or self-righteousness, but now I see it for what it is.

I really believe this BPD is different for everyone. I wish I was either more self-aware or willing to admit that I had issues when I was younger. In that sense I think my coping skills would be better today.

I understand and identify with you, Scarlet. I, too, have had these feelings, very recently, and it can be really overwhelming and difficult to see past them. It can make you feel hopeless. I know this is hard, but keep going. It is, unfortunately, something which we must be diligent in managing; I notice a big difference in my mood and behavior if I haven't, say, been filling out my DBT diary card and/or meditating or working out (those are just the mindful activities I choose). I don't do both of these things every day, but I do at least one of them. Otherwise, I tend to be a ball of nervous tension and misplaced emotion.

I'm not perfect and I've only just begun to learn to manage these emotions, but they can be managed.

My T and I are working through a DBT book from which she sends me weekly chapters (I don't know what the book is called); maybe this is something to look into? I also have a DBT app on my phone (this is where I "fill out" my diary card). It's called simply "DBT" and the icon is a bluish square with what looks like a brain. The nice thing is that it gives a little explanation of the various skills, so you have a pocket reference until you know them. It's really helped me.

Anyway. Good luck. Fwiw, I am 38 and I feel as though my symptoms have lessened in severity (I have traits, no longer full-on BPD). When I was 33, things were still pretty intense. But I was going through some major ish back then as well. I think age does play a role, but so do life circumstances and experiences.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Thank you all for the replies. I'm doing a little better with the hopelessness. Just takinh one day at a time. My T helped me with a list of positives about me and my life. I'm supposed to repeat this list whenever the hopelessness comes up. We're also working on my lack of interest. I'm supposed to work on thinking of why doing xyz is something I want to do, and jusy pushinh past the feelings and do it. I'm struggling with this one. But one day at a time, right?