[SaraSkyblue]

It's been a long time. I honestly thought for a while there that I wasn't gonna come back here. I thought I was finally stable, I thought I was getting better. But that's the worst thing about Borderline Personality Disorder. It will never go away, it's always hiding, waiting for you to feel hopeful. Then it flies out of nowhere and ruins everything.

Ok, I should explain.

So you may have seen my posts on here in the past, very long hopeless posts, when I was first diagnosed. I then was in counseling for a year and a half. I was on and off medication. I ended up giving up on all meds though, they all made me emotionless and tired all the time. I was in DBT while seeing my regular counselor weekly. My life was going good places and I had never been so stable. I stayed stable. I was able to handle stress and control my emotions. I literally never would have guessed I could somehow forget how. It had become so easy to function like a "regular" person. I ended up moving and was unable to keep going to counseling at that same place. Both me and my counselor thought I had come far enough to not need counseling and I graduated form DBT.

Everything was fine at first. Like it was great. I thought I would never need counseling again. I was like a full 180 of what I used to be. I was stable at my job, had gotten hired on full time, was renting a beautiful townhouse, got my license, a car, just got engaged to my boyfriend of soon to be two years. I hadn't self harmed in two years, no suicidal thoughts, all without counseling. I quit counseling in June of 2015 and was just fine until March 2016. I still don't know what happened. But something obviously triggered me. I literally woke up one day and the first thought I had was that something didn't FEEL right inside me. I felt crazy. And at that moment my whole life went up in flames.....

That night I decided to drive two and a half hours to go see a guy friend of mine that I talked to all the time. He was a guy I liked, but obviously I never did anything while I was with my bf. Like we were just friends. But after spending a day with him decided to leave my fiance. Not gonna lie though, I was in an unhealthy relationship. I had stayed because it was stable. I don't regret leaving him, but I don't like how impulsively I acted, how I put very little thought into the consequences of my actions, how quickly I moved on to a new relationship after being with someone for two years. I didn't make enough money to support myself, I had no plan. So that's when my new bf moved in with me......and my ex. I started acting so impulsively. I was also having bad episodes daily, one being the kind where I blackout and tear my house apart. I hadn't done that in YEARS. I was self harming, felt suicidal, I couldn't control myself. I've since walked out on my job and I still have no plan. I feel so crazy and I can't control my emotions. I'm so sensitive all of a sudden and everything hurts. It's like I never had any counseling. I keep looking at all my old DBT things and I don't even know how it ever made sense.....I'm so lost.

I have an appointment set for next month....but I don't know how I'm gonna make it til then. My anxiety also got worse again. I was able to do SO many things....now I can barely go to Walmart again. I want to act crazy. I wasn't to runaway. I don't care what happens to me most days. THIS ISN'T ME. And my new relationship is so hard. It's hard enough that I'm Borderline, not including how hard it is to be around me when I'm falling this far. But he's also Bipolar. And we fight ALL THE TIME. Because he doesn't understand BPD at all, but I don't blame him. We trigger each other. But the good is SOOO good, he's everything I've ever wanted in someone. I don't know what to do though. Being BPD all I do is ruin the people around me. WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE!?
Help. I need help.

So yea. I'm miserable. I HATE BPD. I feel so trapped. The fact that life could go so well for so long and I always have to keep my guard up for myself, FROM myself. It can come out of any corner and set everything you love on fire. And make you so dead inside that all you can do is watch your life burn to the ground and not even care. I feel like there are 3 people in my head....fighting me all the time. One wants to BLOW UP and act crazy just to prove a point. "DO YOU SEE HOW BAD I'M HURTING!?" and wants to runaway from everything, just drop my life and give up. One wants to sleep all day, cut everyone off because no one deserves what I do to them. I want to hide forever. Then the last part of me is the part that wants help SO BAD. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I will do anything. And I keep switching, to the point that no one can even talk to me because in a 2 min conversation I've been all three of those people.
I HATE THAT BORDERLINE IS A THING. NO ONE DESERVES THIS. IT'S NOT FAIR. I JUST WANT TO FUNCTION LIKE EVERYONE ELSE AND I WANT TO STOP HURTING EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN MY LIFE!

It is now that I realized I've been all three of those people even just in this post....I'm sorry. I just don't even know what I'm doing.....what was the point of this post again?
I'm not okay....

[Cavegirl]

Hi. I just want to give you a big huge hug.. I wish I had some advice, but I'm in a similar mindset.
I keep thinking I'll post my "own" thread.
But, right at this moment...just knowing there's others out there...for me...it helps.
I'm so sorry you're in flux.

[lostinsidemyself]

I totally totally TOTALLY get it. Though ive never had a time where BPD didnt show itself (and just started seriqueol XR 1 @ night & 1 in morning) but i belong to another site (it will be unnammed & i dont name this one there) but its not for BPD, its mainly for another disorder but BPD is a common coupled disorder with this other disorder. BPD was running rampent, I was temp banned for 3 days but i gave it a week and came here and threw everything i had at BPD and DBT.

When i came back i was much easier to talk to, i didnt go on wild off topic discussions that was pages long, my posts which used to be a book were much shorter, i was re-reading and editing before posting/replying and i was disengaging from a thread when i needed to which was something i couldnt seem to do.

That was 2 and a half months ago and all was fine up to a few weeks ago. I was noticing i couldnt seem to disengage when i needed to or id leave the thread and get an alert that someone replied (i should of stopped watching the thread but didnt so was getting alerts) and curiosity got me and id be right back in it.

A situation happened last night with someone I let in on the site and considered a friend and whom"s friendship i valued a lot; i felt fully abandoned, yet again which is my reality. The admin framed it as i have trouble with interpersonal relationships but thats not my fault and how do i learn if i cant mess up and have the chance to right my wrongs without the person bailing on me? But whatever, I tried to vent my feelings as i had suicidal ideations and it was totally miss understood. I was banned again for 3 days last night so im back here but im going to stay here and not go back there until i feel safe posting again which i have a feeling will take over a week.

My point is for 2 and a half months i was able to someehat control my BPD symptoms on the site. Its been voiced by staff that most with BPD dont last long on the site unless well controled. My question is, how do you "well control it" when it sneaks up on you?

Tirating seriquol up will take months, i plan to revist DBT and work hard here to gain as much control over it as i can but it does sneak up on you.

Im sorry if i spoke too much about me, I dont know how it feels for it to fully go away and then affect your life this much and im so so sorry you are going through it! but i do get that it does sneak up on you or does a sneak attack!

Dive back into DBT as much as you can and im glad you have a therapy appointment! I know a month is a long time away when you are suffering but we are here for you! Theres also a DBT sub group and that helped me a lot.



Edited to add: I HATED BPD TOO!!!