[Matt0419]

I'm not sure how to use the trigger warning thing on my phone, but I'll try to use lighter sorts of words for things I think could be triggering for others.

I have very self destructive thoughts and have a history of that sort of behaviour which has led to multiple hospitalisations, but recently I feel like it's me vs my mind vs this voice I hear which I can talk to (which happens to be my ex who I lost from all this stuff)

I feel like my mind is seperate from me and I don't hear my mind talk to me but it feels like it plots against me and makes bad things happen to try follow a predetermined course through various plans and what not which I often don't agree with, but it hurts emotionally to try resist

the voice I hear who is my ex, I can talk back to her too like a conversation but she tried to convince me to undergo in self destructive things and tries to reason with me as to why I should do so, I don't hear her often but when I do it's often very random or triggered by stress

and then there's me, and I try and make sense of the thoughts at times and try find any faults or truths to them, and I find myself coming up with theories to do with natural selection in the brain, the future of humans and our pathways, what my own destiny is and why I am like how I am and some of them make a lot of sense and I really figure stuff out around these theories I have, but then again maybe I'm delusional by thinking that

I really don't know if I'm just delusional like people say I am, or if I am just gifted in a way that I can see things in a way that others cant, and see the truth in many human functions

what do you guys think of all this?

[MobiusPsyche]

Do the truths that you've figured out make sense to you all of the time...or only sometimes? Have you tried writing the theories down and reading them when you're not in an excited or agitated state? That might help tease things apart...?

[Matt0419]

yeah they make sense all the time, but I try not to think about them too much when I'm not forced to think about them, because if I could prove them to be true the I would be torn between whether I then follow them or not because they are quite conflicting

it's quite confusing, but I don't always believe when other people say I'm delusional because my family and friends use to invalidate everything I did, so now I have no true source to go by and my mind becomes such a mess when I try to figure it out myself

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[Matt0419]

everything is so conflicting in my mind, it just never ends

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