[derangedcandy]

Warning: Mentions pregnancy, and suicidal idealization!!!!

I was, maybe still am doing better than I was 7 years ago, but I am struggling like crazy now all because my boyfriend is out of town, well out of the country. I felt symptoms of BPD extremely strong 7 years ago, I was diagnosed then so I had a term to put to my feelings. I think I felt most symptoms for at least 4 years. I had been doing better, even in therapy I am in "recovery" even though I disagree. Anyway, like I mentioned above my boyfriend is on a trip, I don't want to go into details but had to go, I am also 39 weeks and 1 day pregnant with my first baby. I've been off of all of my medications since the first trimester, that went rather well, albeit I did have a few horrid days with feeling depressed and having suicidal idealization, well since my boyfriend has been gone I've been "crazy". I'm feeling all BPD symptoms tenfold. I've gone to my old ways, and don't even recognize myself. I've been manipulative, emotionally abusive, etc. It's sick. The best part is I recognize it, but I still can't stop the thrashing out because of the mental pain and anguish I am in cus he is gone. I almost feel like I'm not even in a relationship with him anymore cus he is gone, but I guess this is called "out of sight, out of mind"? I just learned of the term the other day and it makes sense to how I feel, but it's not letting me cope any easier. I've been bawling my eyes out daily, yesterday was horrible with wishing I was dead, but I truly wouldn't go through with it, especially cus I am pregnant. I hate getting those thoughts. My boyfriend will be gone for 9 more days, and it just sucks. Also, I am just praying to God that the baby will stay put until he gets home, but I have a feeling he won't. I am just insanely upset. I see my therapist on Wednesday, but I don't think it's going to help. I dislike her so much.

If you have any insight, or tips, or anything to help me during this time please, I beg of you to help! Thanks in advance!

So sorry to hear you are having such difficulty! Being so very pregnant and separated from your boyfriend must be so hard. Give yourself a break. You are under tremendous stress and people will probably cut you some slack for behaving badly. Us borderlines do not do well with separation. You probably know it's one of the diagnostic criteria, frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Can you talk to your boyfriend by phone, email or text? I would think that would be comforting. Just take it one day at a time and if that doesn't work, one hour at a time. It's so important for you to stay healthy at this pivotal time. I find the crisis lines are helpful if i'm at the end of my rope. Stay safe and best of luck!

[Wild Coyote]

Hi Derangedcandy,

I fell very sad about addressing you by your screen name.

That aside, I am very sorry for all of the painful emotions flooding in upon you.
Most pregnant women , especially those close to delivery, have some extra emotional challenges. This, in addition to your boyfriend's absence, creates many emotions for you.

Nine days? Just nine more days before he returns!
Are you up to participating in activities which might distract you while the nine days pass?
Anything you feel up to, with or without friends?

It's going to be a wondrous time, I'd imagine: New baby, boyfriend home, one big happy family!? Sounds pretty exciting!

Congrats on your expecting, on your first child, on starting a family!

I wish I knew how to better support you during this time.

I am hoping all goes very smoothly!

How can we help?

In Support of You and Your Family,
WC