[Fuzzybear]

Papa bear doesn't like sex at all..

But this is my fault.

Because everything always was, and always will be my fault,

I suppose this is my function in life?

The father, who was having an affair when I was born,... Wrote to the mother how he "didn't deserve us"

But... I was bad and wrong from birth.

I ruined my mothers life.... The stepmother told me this.

I don't know why I don't just shut up, I've been killing myself with silence all these years, surely I'll be dead soon

[Fuzzybear]

and actually, I'm not ugly...

Nor was I bad from birth. I'd like to eat those who thought that

[technigal]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

and actually, I'm not ugly...

Nor was I bad from birth. I'd like to eat those who thought that

Very true hun. I wish you could eat those that abused you.

[here today]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

. . .

But... I was bad and wrong from birth. . .

I feel the same way. All the years of therapy just to uncover and put up with (sometimes) that horrible feeling. I have/had PDNOS not BPD but the underlying "bad self" dynamic still seems the same. Sucks.

[Fuzzybear]

I agree... That was probably the main thing "uncovered" in all that (profoundly sub optimal) therapy..

But who knows, even an adequate therapist may well not have "cured" me, whatever that means ..

My anxiety has been extreme since childhood... I think some very skilled and empathic therapists can help with that but I believe they are very rare (especially in the UK )


We didn't have enough money for me to see a good therapist for the years that would have been necessary to undo some of that..

Originally Posted by here today

I feel the same way. All the years of therapy just to uncover and put up with (sometimes) that horrible feeling. I have/had PDNOS not BPD but the underlying "bad self" dynamic still seems the same. Sucks.

[Anrea]

Emotions bad people lack:

Guilt, concern, empathy, remorse, gentleness, consideration, compassion, fear of harming others... feel free to add.

Silence can compress a spirit to the point of smothering. Feel brave enough to disappoint us Fuzzy Bear, because you won't. It is okay to be imperfect. It helps us to relate. You cannot hold us up over the water if you drown. <3

If you need to impose rules on yourself, try this: For a period of time of your own choosing (example 1 hour a week, 15 minutes a day etc) choose to act selfishly, indulgently, and pushing your needs first. If you want to do this in private, so be it. But perhaps you could create at least one weekly post called, Fuzzy Bear's rant, and let go.

Another option: http://forums.psychcentral.com/groups/vent-out.html This social group on Psych Central is for venting.

And if you are talking about personal matters at home, and you don't want to share because you think you don't want to burden us.... how can we become strong if we don't lift others? We need you to be you. Not what you can be for us. But we need the you in you.

<3 I hope your feelings find a way to inflate and become allowed.

Remember from Desiderata:

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Anrea

Emotions bad people lack:

Guilt, concern, empathy, remorse, gentleness, consideration, compassion, fear of harming others... feel free to add.

Just a word of caution: be careful how you say certain thing such as this because this site also has people who are diagnosed with Anti-Social Personality disorder which includes much of what you stated here - not all of them are "bad people".
That said, I do understand what you meant and I agree with the supportive inference of Fuzzybear not having the characteristics of a "bad person".

Fuzzybear:

Originally Posted by FUZZYBEAR

Papa bear doesn't like sex at all..

But this is my fault.

Because everything always was, and always will be my fault,

I suppose this is my function in life?

The father who was having an affair when I was born,...
Wrote to the mother how he "didn't deserve us"

But... I was bad and wrong from birth.

I ruined my mothers life.... The stepmother told me this.

I don't know why I don't just shut up, I've been killing myself with silence all these years, surely I'll be dead soon

What defines a "bad person" to the individual can often vary however - especially when it comes to "self". For instance, I may not consider someone "bad" even if they lie to me almost all the time and insult me more often than not - as long as I can find other characteristics about them: "they are excellent parents", "they are very helpful whenever someone is in need", etc .... while at the same time, if I utter one lie I may consider myself a horrible person. It is possible to transfer our own feelings of self onto others - either by way of understanding our own feelings by confusing their reactions to us to mean what our self feelings are, or by simply having an "overflow" of emotion to the extent it effects those around you as well.

For those of us who are affected by borderline personality on a personal level, this affects us deeply because not only does this rather "normal", albeit confusing transference occur - we also see it as something that has "always been" or "never was".

I know from experience sometimes others can negatively impact our lives - even family members. I do however really encourage you to ask the questions:

Why do I believe I have always been thought or and/or treated as if I were a bad person?

Do I truly believe I have always been a bad person?

As to the question "Is this my function in life?"
You define what your function in life is - and given the misery in your tone ar the idea of being the one to "ruin your mother's life" and being "bad from birth" - I don't think this is a "function" you have assigned for yourself, so my answer to that is: No, you will need to keep searching til you discover the true function which you have set aside for yourself.

I believe you to be a good person, but I believe that of everyone til they give me reason not to - and since I do not really know you all I can say is: you know yourself best, but only if you are honest and neither accusing nor excusing with yourself. Take care and be good to yourself.

[Anrea]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

Just a word of caution: be careful how you say certain thing such as this because this site also has people who are diagnosed with Anti-Social Personality disorder which includes much of what you stated here - not all of them are "bad people".

Thank you. What a good point! A person could lack those emotions and not be bad of course! And a bad person could experience some of those emotions!

Often, emotions direct action, and Fuzzy Bear seems to be guided by his inner emotions that do not allow him to harm others without repercussions to himself.

Like my husband, who used to think he was a bad person because parents and society told him he was. I was able to help him see himself through my eyes, and by viewing his own inner guidance system - he learned that he is not a bad guy at all. Now, his heart has become so tender, he doesn't kill bugs (except mosquitoes). His inner heart must feel so clean and clear in order to not feel bad, that he has become very gentle. Fuzzy Bear reminds me of my Snugglebear in this way. They are both good men who seem to not have been taught that.

I think it comes from his being judged harshly when younger. He came to a point that he believed it must be true. It wasn't. It never was.

I can see how my comment wasn't well said, and probably easy to misunderstand. Thank you so much again for pointing it out. <3

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Anrea

Thank you. What a good point!

You're welcome. Like I said, I truly did understand what you meant though

[Fuzzybear]

I feel like I'm coming to the end of my life (I hope I am..).. My body is a traitor to me.

I "should" have worked harder to make changes but I've never been a "bad" person, just someone who was hated in childhood, just for being me

If I could take a med that would lift my mood a bit and remove some of this excruciating anxiety I would be more content.. But this is not a possibility,

If I've ever added anything positive here on PC I am grateful

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I feel like I'm coming to the end of my life (I hope I am..).. My body is a traitor to me.

I "should" have worked harder to make changes but I've never been a "bad" person, just someone who was hated in childhood, just for being me

If I could take a med that would lift my mood a bit and remove some of this excruciating anxiety I would be more content.. But this is not a possibility,

If I've ever added anything positive here on PC I am grateful

Honestly I never found any medication that worked for me either. I turned to essential oils and exercise for the most part - sometimes I looked to see what kinds of foods I could include in my diet as well (like dark chocolate) to help me. There are other ways as well but those are the things that worked for me.

Rose essential oil for depression
Lavender essential oil for anxiety
Cedarwood essential oil for dissociative symptoms

Plenty of sunlight helps depression as well so I got out walking

Doing low impact exercise and any kind of "human touch" excretes the same things in the brain which are used in antidepressants

Folic acid helps with mood stability as well.

There are other things like I said but I don't know as much about them.

[Anrea]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I feel like I'm coming to the end of my life (I hope I am..).. My body is a traitor to me.

I "should" have worked harder to make changes but I've never been a "bad" person, just someone who was hated in childhood, just for being me

If I could take a med that would lift my mood a bit and remove some of this excruciating anxiety I would be more content.. But this is not a possibility,

If I've ever added anything positive here on PC I am grateful

I don't know why this was the straw Fuzzy. But with all the emotions the past couple of days. This was the straw, and I am crying and hugging a stranger across the internet. Don't go little cloud. Your shade cools my heated brow.

Aww, Fuzzy ...

[Fuzzybear]

I wasn't meaning I would do anything to myself although I wish I could..
I have so many scary and horrible physical issues that on top of my mh issues make life shyt..

But I'm likely to be here still for some time

Just come off seroquel which I'm allergic to, so I'm more depressed than my usual (which is super depressed too these last few years )

If I was to be honest with the doctor I feel like I may mess things up more... More wrong things in my notes.

For a possible eventual plan B I need to.....(deleted)

Originally Posted by Anrea

I don't know why this was the straw Fuzzy. But with all the emotions the past couple of days. This was the straw, and I am crying and hugging a stranger across the internet. Don't go little cloud. Your shade cools my heated brow.

[Fuzzybear]

Thanks pfrog
The wish to be gone doesn't translate into action for me...(more self neglect I guess ) I have the sense my body is falling apart but it probably isn't (not as much as I feel like it is anyway)

Something that felt like the "last straw" for me was trivialised by a medical professional but this is nothing new for me. I have a horror of hospitals

[Fuzzybear]

A friend said that using more words helps with recovery.. I haven't found this but maybe... It sure seems that meds don't work for me (I hate the allergic reaction around my eyes ) and therapy in the uk would be Iffy at best IMO

There is a small part of me which has hope, which battles with the part of me that wants to be gone..

((( Fuzzybear ))) ...

I not only hear what you're saying, I understand ...

,
Pfrog!

[Fuzzybear]

Thanks ((((( pfrog )))))

It does help knowing that some people understand
But that you do..

[Anrea]

Sweet Bear,

I am so sorry to hear of your physical struggles. I cannot imagine the challenge of facing not only mental issues, but physical as well. And you always try to uplift others, and carry on in silence. That selflessness meeting despair is what brought me to tears.

The world needs more fuzzy wuzzy cuddle bears.

Thank you for existing, and sharing that existence with us. <3

[ScarletPimpernel]

(((((Fuzzybear)))))