[TishaBuv]

I'm scared that I really do have BPD and I am doing everything in my power to sabotage my marriage.

I go from feeling somewhat attracted, loving him as a person, hopeful I can get along and work it out to not wanting to be with him, not at all attracted, just wanting it over.

My moods swing back and forth on the hour.

[shezbut]

((((((hugs))))))

I struggled with that same behavior for many years.

You may want to look at the entire relationship (all aspects on both sides) from the logical side of your brain, preferably with an unbiased 3rd party, to determine how healthy your marriage is. No one is perfect.

I have always taken the blame for all faults in all of my relationships, even when I wasn't the cause. That wasn't a very helpful thing for me to do, and I put up with way too much baloney as a result.

Very gentle hugs to you. I know that it's hard.

[TishaBuv]

I just keep telling him, I have mixed feelings, but I don't want to be with him. I brought him home a treat from his favorite shop, but I went right to my room. I told him I can't even look at him. I can't even handle making dinner while he is here. Every night, I have no appetite and don't eat dinner. He left for now.

[TishaBuv]

That's how it is with me. When I have had enough, I just can't be with him any more. Even if my emotions are all over the place, I have to listen to my heart.

Yes, I am pushing him away. If it is truly that I am sick with MI, well it's a crying shame I couldn't get medical help. If it is just that I really can't get along with and have had enough pain and suffering, then so be it.

This marriage is dying a very slow death.

Hi there,

Don't place all the blame on yourself. I remember you posting he was not meeting your needs in the bedroom and codependency is an issue. That involves him, too.

My point is that it takes two in a relationship...each partner has issues that effect the relationship. It's not all your fault. xo

[Cavegirl]

I've been having a similar problem. Just a few days ago I told my husband I was leaving, and today, everything seems fine. For me it had a lot to do with black and white thinking. No middle ground whatsoever. In short I had convinced myself that he was the reason that I have been feeling so miserable. My thought pattern was that this man, my husband, had never once done anything to make me feel loved, therefore I hate him. My solution to this problem was to flee as I felt the marriage was harmful to my well-being. Then I used a different thought pattern, and added in a middle ground (or something like that I guess). My husband is not as "warmhearted" as I'd like him to be, but, he is by no means the cause of all of my misery. My mind gave way a little and it dawned on me that maybe I should communicate with him. I kept thinking of what a crappy communicator he is and didn't even look at my own lousy communication skills! My husband is not a mind reader, but yet I expect him to be. It's my BPD.

I'm not sure why it is that you go back and forth. Maybe it's a part of MI, or maybe it isn't. It may be for real reasons. How is the communication between the two of you? Have you ever discussed the back and forth with him? Is there a third party that you can sit with and have them give you some honest feedback so you can get a different perspective?

I wish you the very, very best

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Cavegirl

I've been having a similar problem. Just a few days ago I told my husband I was leaving, and today, everything seems fine. For me it had a lot to do with black and white thinking. No middle ground whatsoever. In short I had convinced myself that he was the reason that I have been feeling so miserable. My thought pattern was that this man, my husband, had never once done anything to make me feel loved, therefore I hate him. My solution to this problem was to flee as I felt the marriage was harmful to my well-being. Then I used a different thought pattern, and added in a middle ground (or something like that I guess). My husband is not as "warmhearted" as I'd like him to be, but, he is by no means the cause of all of my misery. My mind gave way a little and it dawned on me that maybe I should communicate with him. I kept thinking of what a crappy communicator he is and didn't even look at my own lousy communication skills! My husband is not a mind reader, but yet I expect him to be. It's my BPD.


I'm not sure why it is that you go back and forth. Maybe it's a part of MI, or maybe it isn't. It may be for real reasons. How is the communication between the two of you? Have you ever discussed the back and forth with him? Is there a third party that you can sit with and have them give you some honest feedback so you can get a different perspective?

I wish you the very, very best

That's a great way to look at it. I'm not sure if I have that black and white thinking that is the criteria for BPD. It seems you are able to think gray when you minimize your negativity to say he is just not as warmhearted.

[TishaBuv]

When I met him, I thought he was a highly educated but simple guy with a nice disposition and good sense of humor. That was just perfect for me. I was attracted, but not heart-pounding attracted. The few guys I had my heart pound for rejected my love and broke my heart. I decided my heart pounded because of fear of rejection, not the feeling of love at all. So when I met him, my heart felt warmed, safe. I felt totally optimistic that this was the beginning of true love and that feelings would grow.

[TishaBuv]

Neither of us married because we were so crazy in love with each other we couldn't see not being together. It felt more like a conscious decision, a stage in life, the right thing to do, an expectation, fulfilling a need. He was at the point of completing his education and moving to a new place to start his career. He was ready to take a wife. As archaic as that sounds, it was true. I was ready to be a wife.

There was no career path I was trying to follow. I wanted to be the 'woman behind the man'. I always wanted that. Are girls today even allowed to think that way? I think I was the very last one.

He actually said to me that he wanted me to 'come along for the ride'. Meaning HIS ride. I'd be the passenger! And I thought that was just fine. Did I think that would last forever and that I would never want to be my own person, achieve something, assert myself? IDK, but the offer sounded pretty damn good at the time.

[TishaBuv]

He dressed like a nerd. I took him shopping and made him a sharp dresser. He was raised by elderly, simple parents while I was raised 'in a town without pity' and had street smarts. I thought I would be able to help him not get torn to shreds by the sharks (which I did for the most part).

I knew he was a tv addict and immature. It didn't bother me. We were in our 20's.

In my mind I still fantasized about the bad boys who gave me the butterflies and broke my heart. At that time there were two who I held a torch for. I'm sorry to admit that I thought about them, as well as other kinky fantasies when I made love to him.

He was just nice, not imaginative, quite dull and didn't excite me. This is where I dissociated, needing to fantasize during sex. I didn't do that before him with other partners. However, I didn't orgasm with other partners, including those bad boys, for the most part.

Does this sound like someone with BPD so far?

Right away, we had bad luck. His job was super stressful. He was a nervous wreck. He was all consumed by that for the next ten years, and neglected me. This is where the sex struggle started. Combine that with me starting to have babies and him telling me he did not find me 'as attractive as when I wasn't pregnant' when asked about why he wasn't initiating sex.

[Cavegirl]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

That's a great way to look at it. I'm not sure if I have that black and white thinking that is the criteria for BPD. It seems you are able to think gray when you minimize your negativity to say he is just not as warmhearted.

I am just learning!

[Cavegirl]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

He dressed like a nerd. I took him shopping and made him a sharp dresser. He was raised by elderly, simple parents while I was raised 'in a town without pity' and had street smarts. I thought I would be able to help him not get torn to shreds by the sharks (which I did for the most part).

I knew he was a tv addict and immature. It didn't bother me. We were in our 20's.

In my mind I still fantasized about the bad boys who gave me the butterflies and broke my heart. At that time there were two who I held a torch for. I'm sorry to admit that I thought about them, as well as other kinky fantasies when I made love to him.

He was just nice, not imaginative, quite dull and didn't excite me. This is where I dissociated, needing to fantasize during sex. I didn't do that before him with other partners. However, I didn't orgasm with other partners, including those bad boys, for the most part.

Does this sound like someone with BPD so far?

Right away, we had bad luck. His job was super stressful. He was a nervous wreck. He was all consumed by that for the next ten years, and neglected me. This is where the sex struggle started. Combine that with me starting to have babies and him telling me he did not find me 'as attractive as when I wasn't pregnant' when asked about why he wasn't initiating sex.

I'm not sure that this sounds like BPD per say. What it does sound like is a lover's tale. You dated and married him because he was safe. Nobody likes having their heart broken. Perhaps this was a defense mechanism. I still think about an ex or two. It's harmless, unless of course you act on it. I think with BPD, at least for me, you still feel a perceived sense of abandonment no matter how "safe" the other person may be. My husband is very "safe", but when he takes his yearly mountain biking trip I get an awful sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Then the inevitable sense of (duh duh duh) abandonment. It comes out of nowhere, and it's nagging.

What a rude and disgustingly insensitive remark in regards to you being pregnant. At a time when a woman might already be feeling somewhat modest. You sound lonely and upset for the right reasons. Having a husband that is not available emotionally or physically can be tumultuous to a relationship.

My husband is the worst when it comes to initiating. He's only initiated sex a handful of times. It's the strangest thing. What guy doesn't want sex??? It gets so dull always having to make the first move. I have a good friend and her husband is the same exact way. No initiation. What the hell kind of guys are these?! You are not alone there sister!

Do you communicate your needs? Honesty and communication are most likely the cornerstone of any good relationship.

Hugs & Hugs & Higs

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Cavegirl

I'm not sure that this sounds like BPD per say. What it does sound like is a lover's tale. You dated and married him because he was safe. Nobody likes having their heart broken. Perhaps this was a defense mechanism. I still think about an ex or two. It's harmless, unless of course you act on it. I think with BPD, at least for me, you still feel a perceived sense of abandonment no matter how "safe" the other person may be. My husband is very "safe", but when he takes his yearly mountain biking trip I get an awful sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Then the inevitable sense of (duh duh duh) abandonment. It comes out of nowhere, and it's nagging.

What a rude and disgustingly insensitive remark in regards to you being pregnant. At a time when a woman might already be feeling somewhat modest. You sound lonely and upset for the right reasons. Having a husband that is not available emotionally or physically can be tumultuous to a relationship.

My husband is the worst when it comes to initiating. He's only initiated sex a handful of times. It's the strangest thing. What guy doesn't want sex??? It gets so dull always having to make the first move. I have a good friend and her husband is the same exact way. No initiation. What the hell kind of guys are these?! You are not alone there sister!

Do you communicate your needs? Honesty and communication are most likely the cornerstone of any good relationship.

Hugs & Hugs & Higs

My friend says he has no 'throw down'. My h also lacks empathy and doesn't initiate. Or when he does initiate it is in an immature way that makes me cringe.

I communicated my needs in every way I know how, for the past 20 years. I think I worked myself up to psychosis from frustration and stress in this unbelievable struggle. Yes, I feel what I do for good reason. Thank you for validating!

My mother calls them "Claude" because of that joke about book titles "The Lion Tamer" by Claude Balls. Lol

[Cavegirl]

Unless he changes, (and people only change if THEY want to), you will be left unfulfilled.

Is leaving your next step? Therapy?

[TishaBuv]

Currently living in the same house, sleeping in separate bedrooms, civil, but barely speaking, co-parenting. My plan is to give it until the end of the summer then decide. I'm done with therapy. I've been through hell, just exhausted.

A friend recommended I move out and see how I feel living alone.

[Cavegirl]

That's a good suggestion. A separation is sometimes a good thing. It will definitely alleviate a good portion of the stress allowing you to think more clearly.

Ultimately, only you will know what is best for you.

My parents just celebrated their 49th wedding anniversary. I have no idea how many times the two of them separated. Quite a lot. But...in the end their love for one another somehow trumped all ill feelings.

You just never know Tisha. Please be kind to yourself and take care of your mental health. Vent!! Use the forums and let it go.