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#1
Jul 31, 2016, 11:01 PM
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have any of you heard of Quiet bpd..?
i do a lot of reading on things as i can be quite the nerd and super obsessive over things that intrigue me... and for the past 5 years or so it has been revolving around my mental health because i started feeling like i was running out of time to figure out what in the world my problem is... drinking all the time was getting me nowhere fast and now its really ringing to be true since i've sobered up since beginning to seek help back then and things still arent better but maybe even worse... not self medicating and not having medications is just a disastrous scene it seems... i have a great deal more of the avoidant personality symptoms but have looked into borderline as i try to read everything i can to educate myself on these bizarre symptoms... and back then i felt like some of the borderline traits make sense but never really acted-out these emotions so to speak as im really reserved and introverted... What Is a ?Quiet? Borderline? - Borderline Personality Disorder but my symptoms dont really seem to be so much involved with others surrounding me... like i dont get so into relationships and have a lot of problems with rejection when it comes to that aspect because of the more avoidant stuff probably... since i just stay away and wont allow the attachments to develop in the first place...(?) although i do want to have healthy relationships, its just something that i have never really had "luck"with i guess... i've never had a friend before, any real relationship or anything... others would have called me a friend... but they didnt know me you know... but i guess thats just because im kind and caring and nice to everyone so much so that it probably seems really weird... but atleast i get along with everyone i guess.. my therapist also mentioned borderline and said that i share a lot of symptoms of it, but she said that she wasnt saying i have it (of course) but was just relating to my dissociation... and saying that im not alone in that other people experience alot of the things i experience as well... this is where i have ALOT of confusion because i dont really feel like i have too much of the borderline symptoms in such manner of speaking... if you met me you would probably think that im really well emotionally put together and mentally sound... but i am a master of disguise i guess and my severe depression and anxiety are my prison that i hide behind, that no one will ever see... i feel like i have such a huge problem with dissociation that im not so sure how it could be dissociative from bpd... but maybe it is... i just feel like the things i have read seem like bpd dissociation comes from a trigger and resolves after you have calmed down..? i am still not sure if i have some sort of brain tumor or brain disease that is causing my mind to deteriorate or something.... but my "dissociative" experience seems so far from any ones experience that i have read or talked to... and its just really confusing me because i really want to understand my condition so that i can get to know what has happened over my life and maybe begin to see a future for myself... i know that there is a possibility that i am just suffering from a good handful of multiple comorbidities.... which could explain things but it would be so much easier to understand if it was just 1 thing causing it all... i really don't like to talk about what i feel because of my confusion and fear of judgement, ridicule, i dont want to be looked at as some fake fraud malingering manipulator trying to gain some sort of sympathy or attention - because i really would prefer to sit here quietly in my room alone without anyones gaze peering upon me with such criticism... but i am trying to learn to reach out in more healthy ways without trying to be so hidden... i just dont like people to see me, the real me, who ever i am... so i really really don't like to talk about my dissociative experience (if that is what this 'symptom' is..) but i think i confuse the hell out of my therapist just as much as confusing myself so i really need to explore it more and i dunno how else to explore it without talking about it... i guess...  i seem to have some type of amnesia that goes on... that has always been going on... but its not just amnesia of events or past times like... i have complete amnesia for my childhood, besides some generic things that i know happened... like some abuse... violence... drugs and alcohols... foster care... but i cant explain the things that happened besides the flashbacks... but even those dont seem to be 'my'memories... but even then afterwards i will forget about those events until i am "reminded" again with these flashbacks... the amnesia persists through my entire life, my daily life... i cant think of the things i do during the day, conversations i have... things im supposed to do, forgetting to take medication... forgetting to eat... and i just dont understand how this is possible, how can someone at my age that is sober be like this..? to not know where you came from, what you have done, where you are going, even where you want to go... who are you? what am i supposed to do...? i get scared when i think about things... and then i start to feel even more disconnected... in the foggy dream... because i dont like it when i dont understand things... thats why i get obsessive so that i can learn how it works, to understand... but i cant figure this out and when i start to think about it i remember how long i have actually been living like this and how much that i have tried to figure it out and the obsession i have taken on with it to try to figure it out to no avail... besides complicating my understanding further by learning about a lot of psychological issues that could be everything or nothing... i feel like i am stuck in a dissociative state... stuck inbetween myself... realms... worlds... lifes, whatever... and something is holding me in a bubble outside of time where i can watch my life just pass me by without being able to do anything about it.... without having any sense of time or continuity of memory about my whole experience... just seeing these things whir past me in a flurry of events that just dont seem to make sense anymore.... its not so bad when you are just getting high and drunk all the time because you not even really thinking about how F'd up everything is... but i have read much and i just haven't come across a story that seems similar to mine... ? or maybe i have read stories that are dauntingly similar and just go into denial over it and cant remember them... how is this possible? and yet i sit here again, writing a message that i dreadfully wish not to send... but knowingly that if i dont i will be stuck with the same amount of answers (zero)... i feel so retarded, so fake because i feel like no one can understand and that what ever is wrong with me doesn't exist... feel that when i say something people will think i am a liar.... or exaggerating hysterical melodramatic... but i always say things the best i can... and i have no interest in any attention or any type of gains... just want answers... so im not making things up or exaggerating... i usually try to underplay things to avoid those things but thats when people seem to think i exaggerate... which just makes you feel more like not even saying anything at all because if they cant believe the underplayed reports then how can they believe the full fledged report of my plague? i go in and out... falling in and out of this bubble for another bubble... but im getting so dizzy and cant keep up anymore and really do need support before i get too far gone again and just stay in bed for a month again without thinking about anything but how miserable this life is... no escape... trapped... trying to hold onto the hope that maybe someone can help me to understand things... but that hope has never been very big  i dont even know if what i feel is dissociation or not... all i know is im so tired of this and want to know what its like to feel alive... to have a life and to know who i am, where i have been, and what i am doing... what its like to be happy, content... to know whats happening and to be able to remember things... like when someone asks you a question, to be able to give an answer instead of "uhhh im not sure..." when on the inside you are screaming omfg i cant remember! why cant i remember! feels like my only mission is to try not to let go of that strand of hope, the mission is to drag this body to the clinic and try to tell them that something is really wrong and please help.. i want to get better but i cant do it on my own because i dont know what is wrong... the pdoc i was seeing before i think became mad at me or hated me or something because i kept trying to tell them quietly that i didnt agree with the bipolar dx... and that i never have mania... and that all the meds weren't helping.. but thats all i can remember about that as well... they just told me to stop playing doctor and that i was manic... even on all those meds? i couldnt believe it... i dunno what else i told them or why they kept saying i was bipolar/ manic... maybe i acted really crazy to them or said a bunch of things that werent true... but i dunno why i would of done that when i was trying to just get help for the depression and anxiety, i dont know why i cant remember things... dunno why he said i was non compliant... but i really dont think i can keep going on like this... i have to find some kind of information or some small answer or else im really just going to give up and start drinking again to try to hide the pain from myself since everything else is hiding from me.. feel like everyday i lose more strength and become weaker because of the fruitless efforts... and the other parts inside that just want me to give up and do other things to make the pain go away are getting stronger... i dont think that i have cut in a couple weeks so atleast i have been able to fight that off... i know its been a week atleast... and i haven't actually gotten drunk or high in more than 3 weeks... i dont even know what i've wrote in this message now grrr... but it seems to be long so im just going to re-read and make sure i spoke in english through the whole thing and post.... sorry about being confusing if some things dont make sense... its really hard to focus and write about these things... i have to do it through a hazy mind... so foggy that i know im making alot of mistakes and explaining things bad but im really trying... just wish that i could make it all disappear and just smile and be happy like it is sometimes, but even when its like that i know there are pain deep inside...
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 Fuzzybear, kamikazebaby, Out There, Unrigged64072835, Wild Coyote
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#2
Jul 31, 2016, 11:26 PM
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Hi,
I think what you're describing is being fragmented, where pieces of your soul just flew up and aren't ready to be embodied - severe and repeated trauma will do this. Soul loss is the term you are looking for. Fragmentation Part I | Metaphysical-Studies.com |
| elevatedsoul
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 silver_fairy
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#3
Aug 01, 2016, 11:28 AM
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High-functioning, quiet BPD, perhaps? It's "easier" to keep a low profile if you avoid relationships. I've become avoidant myself over time, and it sounds a lot like what you're describing. Plus fragmentation and dissociation, which are very common with BPD.
It's hard to be happy when you're in pain and "unseen". 
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please don't make any sudden moves we don't deal with outsiders very well Listening to: http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list...SBuNDsHkQN_HUW 
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| elevatedsoul
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#4
Aug 01, 2016, 04:34 PM
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appreciate the replies...
that is some interesting stuff you shared starblue.. i used to be fairly religious in the manner that my mother was a preacher and my entire family are christian and pretty much all they say for pretty much all problems is that you need to pray and ask jesus to fix it for you or whatever, you know that kind of thing... but i am very analytical and can be obsessive so i went on with my own private/personal studies and decided to myself that religion really isn't anything but another cage for me that i dont want to be locked up in... so i started to read more about other things and other religions to look for my answers and became pretty spiritual for a good while ... still a bit spiritual but im just weak and out of strength to believe there is anyone on the other side that can do anything to really fix my problems for me ... have to figure out how to fix things and do things on our own.. not that maybe if there is another side (or many sides) in existence that they dont care, but just probably dont interfere.. not sure i read about it quite the way that website speaks on it though.. is interesting... i think that some borderline things do make sense to me and it would be nice to know if that is whats up so that i can just work on this crazy stuff... but some things dont really line up... but im on the inside looking out and clearly even if i was on the outside and able to make good observation my vision is so clouded that even then i wouldnt be able to determine whats up... i know that when it comes to personality issues and dissociation stuff things can get a bit jumbled together or whatever so im not trying to focus too much on really... its just that i need to know... tired of being so different and not knowing why... not knowing how to improve things... and i am getting too old for this * as the old cliche goes dont wanna be trapped living like a dependent 6 year old for the rest of my life... but the type that i am i don't reach out, dont talk.. im practically a mute in the sense that i won't go out as agoraphobic and wont initiate conversation with my family that i live with or wont talk about my problems, even having a very hard time trying to say things to the therapist... i dont ask people for anything, i dont act out at all... people really do think that i am ok... besides that i am quiet most of the time and read alot... dont eat much... dont go out much... but put me in front of someone and its like me disappears and i just do what i have to do to get out of the situation so i can go back into hiding and just be away... without drawing too much attention to myself... i dont know how those things are possible.. everyone i have seen with mental illness of any sort you can sort of tell something is up from a sort of presentation... but my presentation is so weird and i have never met anyone that acts like this or has these things happen.. but then again im not sure i really have ever talked with someone in life that had bpd.. or any sort of dissociative disorder for that matter... i started to talk to the therapist about thoughts on it and said a couple words but i got scared and i guess some sort of dissociative process hit me and i forgot everything i was going to say or wanted to say.. i dont really like talking about this stuff at all because i have always been looked at as the stable one by everyone on the outside... everyone thought i was the genuis that would be different and not crazy like the rest of my family... and have a good life, successful, but look at me now.. on the outside some people would probably still think that, besides being a little confused about my situation of being unemployed, not able to drive, living with my parents... ect ect... but those are some of the things that i don't mention and hide because im just so ashamed that i couldnt be what everyone expected me to be.. i guess my great shame fuels the prison darkness, the locks and bars are reinforced by shame and fear... but i continue to work hard to learn more about myself... whats happening with me, what happened to me, what to do about it... its just really hard and it really hurts sometimes... and i guess thats why i just have a hard time staying present... dont want to deal with anything, dont want to... just go away... dont think about it... dont think about it... im not here, everything is fine, until you really are not here, and you really cant think about it, and you go away and really dont deal with it... but then kind of 'snap back' 'wake up' 'realize' where you are and that your life is f*d up and need to do something before you are an old man or young and homeless starving on the street dieing of some rat plague or something because you cant even take care of yourself anymore and no one wants to help you because you cant keep yourself present long enough to really explain what you are feeling.. blah, i dont know what im going to do if i wake up and my situation is worse... dunno how many times it can happen when you are trying so hard and not making any progress that you just give up completely and let the bad habits take over, just get high and forget about the pain and recovery, let that part die and just move on i wish i didnt feel so ashamed.. then maybe i wouldnt try to be so careful with words and i would just blurt everything out and maybe that would make sense even though probably look and sound super crazy... i cant help it though, i just dont wanna say bad things about myself or anyone, dont want anyone to think anything bad about me - i dont even want to think bad things about me... just dont want to think about it, but i dont have a choice anymore; no one is going to fix it for me it seems and i dont want to throw away the little life i might can have left i dunno, have any of you smoked weed...? you know that feeling when you feel high...? (not stoned) thats how i feel ALL the time... im not high, im not smoking.. im sober... but my mind is really messed up apparently... so foggy, so much confusion... my bubble... i guess... sorry.. when i let this stuff come through it makes me feel really really bad... depressed..
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| Wild Coyote
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#5
Aug 01, 2016, 08:33 PM
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I hear you. It's a perspective that might give you another vantage point on how to look at this, and maybe allow for some room to give you a way of detaching from the thought process and just allow.
There's a tendency to overthink, trying to find relief and resolution through matching sequences. But consider that we may be lacking or missing specific codes due to trauma and they are vital in figuring things out. So what happens is we get stuck in a circular pattern of thought that's a cycle of non_stop repetitious behavior that is almost trance like. But we can't stop because to do so would mean death, defeat. So we start again. Truth is those missing factors do reside within but are very well hidden due to defence mechanisms put into place through trauma. Accessing the data needed to complete the cycle and move forward requires piecing together the fragmented pieces. Once that occurs the knowledge and wisdom can be reached and remembered. Resolution reached and symptoms abate. Quote:
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| elevatedsoul
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#6
Aug 01, 2016, 10:49 PM
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Quote:
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| elevatedsoul, shezbut, Wild Coyote
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#7
Aug 01, 2016, 11:39 PM
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| StarBlue, Wild Coyote
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#8
Aug 02, 2016, 12:23 AM
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Every girl needs some good guides - start here
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| elevatedsoul
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#9
Aug 02, 2016, 10:01 PM
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i appreciate it, i've watched a minute of the video but my internet is limited right now due to the stupid nature of throttled internet... so im gonna have to finsh it later...
i know i probably seem girly but i am a guy, i just have a really messed up feminine side i guess  even my therapist said that she really only see's women come in with these kind of symptoms, talking about a hit... not that i really care, always knew i was more sensitive, but just wish that the world didnt care so much about guys being sensitive  before any doubts arise though... i am totally straight... and dont have any judgements about gays, just not what i want... not sure if any women are interested in a guy that has feelings either though
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| Wild Coyote
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#10
Aug 03, 2016, 05:12 AM
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Quote:
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| Wild Coyote
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#11
Aug 03, 2016, 03:25 PM
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thanks, i try not to think about it too much.. i mean im not all strange and stuff and no one really calls me out for being mushy but on the inside i guess i have a lot more feelings than normal - sounds.. smells.. emotions... ect ect
i also try not to think about finding a relationship too much either since i probably need to work on myself alot before i could really be any good for any girl.. although sometimes it seems like it would be beneficial to have someone to hold me at bad times :/ maybe someone to understand me and possibly tattle on me to my therapist about quirks that i probably dont even notice or maybe to scared to talk about its just difficult dealing with so many complicated things that really screwing your life up and you dont even have a name for what it is and cant understand it or anything... but im trying to teach myself to not think about that too much as well... i just really wish i did know what my afflictions were so that i could understand myself a little.. would feel like i might could make some progress then if i actually knew what it was, but where im at right now im just lost in the dark all broken apart with no lights or friends or help and no hope on finding any of that or ever really understanding any thing about anything its so messed up you know? 
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| Wild Coyote
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