[buglady0258]

My T doesn't want to put a hard dx on me but borderline was one of the things she suggested (also dependent and avoidant). I know that, in the end, it doesn't matter what the name is but borderline scares the hell out of me. It has such a horrible connotation and everything you read about it makes it sound like I will forever be a scream-crying mess who can't keep a relationship healthy.

And it just feels so damn unfair. I did nothing to deserve these feelings. I am paying for my parents neglect and invalidation. Why do I have to spend my life feeling like this because of them? It feels like they're ruining my life all over again. I hate feeling like there's a bully inside my brain forcing me to say things I don't mean to people I love (namely my husband). I don't like that he has to weigh his options of whether staying with me is practical because borderline is something you can't ever fix or get rid of.

I hate this. I'm going to a MD on Monday to go back on an SSRI. I was on one long ago and eventually learned to suppress feelings enough that I went off the meds just fine. Well, just fine because I refused to see any of the pain that was, and still is, there. I feel like if I'm taking this journey I can't do it without some kind of drugs. I have been trying and I still feel worthless and in a severe state of despair for hours or days - but it's never predictable.

What the hell did I do to deserve people who are supposed to be there to support me putting this stuff in my head? I feel like I can see everything I'm doing but there's no way to stop it. I just want to stop crying and screaming.

[Unrigged64072835]

I think a lot of us could say that.