[MobiusPsyche]

I've come to hate this term.

We learn to self-soothe when our caregiver soothes use adequately as an infant or very young child. We are crying, we are soothed, whatever pain was making us want to cry goes away.

I never had that. I suspect many of us on this forum are in the same boat. If I was never soothed sufficiently as an infant, how am I supposed to do it as an adult?

Don't get me wrong, I am trying and I engage in the self-soothing behaviors recommended in all of the DBT books. The problem is, they don't work. They work to distract me, but not to soothe me.

So am I doing it wrong? Or is the idea itself misguided, that someone can learn to provide themselves with something they've never had to begin with?

[HD7970GHZ]

Hi Mobius,

This is a great question. Something I struggle with too! You aren't doing anything wrong, it is a matter of finding what works for you and the only way to discover that is to keep trying.

Self Soothe has been my saving grace through my trauma this past two years. I utilize comforts from childhood as well despite the fact my parents never really soothed me the way healthy parents typically would.

I found that when I self soothe I have to be mindful. Mindfulness in DBT is supposed to be utilized in conjunction with the other skills. When I wrap up in a diaper, blanket with a teddy bear: I have to be mindful of the soft fluffy ears on my teddy bear and the smile, and the cute beady eyes, and the soft blankie and the warm hug sensation that a diaper gives me. If I am not mindful of these things it will work as a distraction but it won't soothe me. It is important to try to be mindful.

I have not come to a point of satisfaction in terms of providing the soothing comforts that a healthy parent figure could. I find that self soothing is a much better alternative to self harming and I think that is partly it's function. Choosing to steer away from unhealthy coping mechanisms is a form of self soothing in itself; adding to it an item or anything that is soothing to you is a very healthy thing to do. Perhaps right now you find that self soothing only works as a distraction but the fact that you actually try it is something to be validated and is a very big step in the right direction. Perhaps you will never provide the comfort for yourself that a hug from someone else can, but that is normal. We are social beings and we all have needs. There are certain needs that can only be fulfilled by other people and there are certain needs that can only be met by ourselves; learning to balance and substitute one for the other is where we can master this skill. (this is my opinion)

Be gentle and kind to yourself and explore what is soothing to you. Try not to set such high expectations for self soothing and effectiveness; it is important to reward yourself with gentle kindness. As much as I like diapers, teddy bears and blankies - I would much rather have a mommy figure hug me and cuddle me and tell me everything is going to be okay... No matter how much I practice self soothing I know I won't learn to provide that level of soothing for myself, by myself... I don't think human beings can deny themselves the human condition - which includes needs such as companionship, nurture, love, comfort, etc...

I am a little. I want a mommy to take care of me too like an infant. I regress when I am stressed and I feel so hurt when I don't have it. Self soothing keeps me going but it is by no means the end all be all. It is simply a mode of survival for when I lack an actual mommy figure (which I hope to find someday.)

I think a good exercise for you would be to ask yourself this question...

What would the ideal parental figure do to soothe you in times of distress?

Whatever those things are - you want to practice providing those soothing techniques to yourself as if you are the parent... You know yourself best, so you can learn to soothe your inner child when you are scared / hurt / sad / angry, etc

If it is hard to come up with specifics, you need to explore these things. It is fun - you get to try all kinds of lovely things and be kind to your body, mind and spirit.

I hope that helps.
HD

[Pastel Kitten]

Soothing in my early childhood years consisted of my mom hugging me and saying "you know I love you, right?" after screaming at me among other things and making me cry to begin with. My stuffed bunny made me feel safer than she did.

[magicalprince]

Have you ever felt happy before?

What made you feel happy?

One way that you can self-soothe is by remembering the things that have made you happy in the past.

If it's not enough to just remember them, then you would want to expose yourself to something related to a good memory, like your favorite CD, or a book you loved as a child, etc.

You cannot necessarily give yourself the warmth of a mother but, the brain is fundamentally wired to move towards comfort and avoid uncertainty. Everyone, in order to survive, has to have found some kind of comfort or coping resource at some point in their life and self-soothing means you try to tap back into those things.

Relative to your own emotional reality, there is always more soothing or less soothing things to focus on. So the skill is more about identifying when it's time to turn your thoughts to a more soothing direction. It can't be perfect but it always can help to some degree.

[MobiusPsyche]

Thanks for your replies everybody. Some of your responses clarified what I'm reacting to.

It feels like a pale imitation of real soothing from another person. I feel like it's the clinicians telling us not to hope for real soothing, you're a loser with BPD so you have to settle for this.

Yes I'm projecting because it's been twenty years since I've been in a romantic relationship but there's also some truth in that.

[magicalprince]

Originally Posted by MobiusPsyche

Thanks for your replies everybody. Some of your responses clarified what I'm reacting to.

It feels like a pale imitation of real soothing from another person. I feel like it's the clinicians telling us not to hope for real soothing, you're a loser with BPD so you have to settle for this.

Yes I'm projecting because it's been twenty years since I've been in a romantic relationship but there's also some truth in that.

It is a pale imitation isn't it! But, you have to start from where you're at. You can't start from where someone else is or was or has been at. Everything is relative to your own situation.

You might not be able to feel as good as someone else but you can feel as good as you are able to feel right now, which is better than feeling less good than that. And even if you just do that more often than you used to, that means you're a happier person than you used to be. And eventually becoming a really happy person is just an ongoing process of becoming a slightly more happy person than you used to be.

It can be hard to accept other people's solutions because the feeling is that they don't really understand the problem. And the truth is that they don't understand it. Your problem is uniquely your own and other people's advice will only apply once you personalize it to yourself in exactly the ways that actually make sense for you.

It's just a process. Hang in there.

[Fuzzybear]