BPD marrying a BPD... advice?

Wordy. I'm sorry. I can't seem to verbalize this properly, but I'm going to try. Please bear with me.. My fiancée and I are being wed on Halloween, this year. We've been moving toward this for over two years. Both of us have BPD and DID. (We can handle the DID better than the BPD, go figure!) With just 29 or so days ahead, I am finding myself growing increasingly sad, worried, removed...

See, I moved from Philadelphia, PA, a very large city, to a tiny little town of merely 1,000 people here in North Carolina in February. I adjusted to being absolutely alone, aside from my cats, pretty well. It was the very first time I actually lived alone (I'm almost 45) aside from the rare visitor. I've only bothered to get to know 2 folks - chief of police and a bar maid. I guess I've grown accustomed to isolation.

My fiancée has a lot of responsibilities that will eventually land in my lap as well. In order to be together, he decided to purchase a house a town over that his dad, 2 kids and (here comes the stick point) HIS EX WIFE will live in. He's coming here from Florida. Please don't think I'm closed to the kids... The children, of course, are welcome at my place but as a homestead (due to schooling issues, one child is high functioning autistic, special schooling is in that area not here...) he had to go a town over. He will be here with me, and assisting at the homestead with the kids daily. He is a wounded Veteran, so he has the allowance of time on his side to do this.

From all I can see the romantic relations with the EX are absolutely over, but he's BPD too... and things happen when we're afflicted with this, as I'm sure you probably know too. Yes, he's screwed up before with her while we were a couple...

On one hand I feel exceptionally loved that someone is going to go to that extent for me - for us to be together. I mean really - he's moving mountains, purchasing a HOUSE that costs more than what I paid for mine, but is choosing to live here in my lil bungalow. That is overwhelming. BUT he's also lugging the EX along as she simply cannot seem to get things going on her own. She is also going to assist with the children, obviously.

So that said as complimented as I am that he's going to this extent, I also really REALLY wish she was not part of the deal. I don't feel secure whatsoever... The idea that she will be a mere 2.5 miles from me is very disturbing. And she's verbalized to him "I'm not going to give up" (on chasing him) - despite her seeming to be ready to date others, of course this statement echos in my mind over and over and over.

Having BPD, I have so many feelings and they all seem to be in conflict right now. I'm marrying the man I love, He's moving HERE for ME.. I should be thrilled!! But, I find myself sinking deeper and deeper into something that is not "happy." Do I love him? Yes. Am I ready for Marriage to him? Yes. Does the fact he has BPD also scare the bejezuses out of me? YES. Does this make me really sad??? YES...

I have to pull myself out of this funk.. FAST. He moves up here on the 19th. I'm going down on the 17th to help him pack, while the EX, his dad, and kids get a mini vacation and literally do nothing.

I don't know what to feel. What I do feel, I cannot express... I simply feel adrift. So many words I just wrote to try to describe the hollow inside, and I don't think I touched on anything!

Am I nuts for believing in this?
Can two borderliners find any balance in love/life?
What am I getting myself INTO...
How do I handle the EX?
What's the best way to incorporate the children into this new lifestyle?
How do I trust when he betrayed our relationship in her bed before?

Oh the questions... where are my answers?

Hello walktheborderline2: I'm sorry you are confronting such a difficult & convoluted situation. I don't know as there is much I can offer with regard to this. But I saw that no one had replied to your post. So I thought I would. Personally I would have to say that this situation is so fraught with potential landmines it is a road down which I would fear to travel. So I would like to validate all of the feelings you are experiencing.

I would have to say that, personally, family relationships have never been important to me. I have left many people behind in my life. So what your fiancé is doing, as far as moving all of these family members & ex family members to where the two of you will live, is beyond my ability to understand. From my perspective, this is a perfect example of divided loyalties. And, while it may be admirable on the surface, it strikes me as creating so many potential problems that the thought of it makes me shudder.

I would be kidding both myself & you if I were to suggest that I have any worthwhile suggestions to offer here. From my perspective, what you are perhaps going to need to do is to get with your therapist if you have one, or find one if you don't, & begin to explore in depth & over time what this all means for you & how you will handle it as the situation evolves. There may also be some value in you & your fiancé participating in some couples counseling. If he will not, this could be a red flag, to my mind.

Your title asked if a person with BPD can be happily married to anaother person with BPD. I don't know the answer to that. I presume it is possible. But, to me, the fact that the two of you each have been diagnosed as having BPD is almost a side issue. What is of real concern here is all of the complicated interpersonal interactions that are going to have to be navigated in order for this whole arrangement to succeed. I wish you all well...

It sounds like you are passively accepting all these major life changing decisions that your fiance is making. Did you and he sit down and discuss each and every part of this and come to these solutions together? Or did you just allow him to arrange his family to flank about your cozy cottage? I might have said No to all or some of these decisions. I think you are going to need to set some boundaries with this man. What and how much family time are you going to be comfortable with? And what about him? I think you two need a marriage councellor or couples therapist. I see a lot of red flags that need to be addressed before going further. Just my 2 cents.

How long have you known each other?

Boundaries. If you two love each other and communicate very well it will be helpful.

How long have they been divorced?