[adashofhope]

I have not been diagnosed with BPD but I identify with many of the diagnostic criteria. My husband agrees that I do as well. (I have only been diagnosed with depression) I thought about posting this in a marriage forum but I thought more people might understand better because I do recognize that I have issues with my behavior. I have a lot of problems with anger and jealousy as well which has negatively affected all of my relationships throughout my life.

Although it would be ideal to provide more background, I don't want to write a super long post. I am very angry about a particular situation right now and I would like to get some perspective on it before I try dealing with it.

I don't know if I am being rational and fair to the people involved. I often don't know if my anger and/or hurt feelings are justified.

I have been married for a year. I know that I can very jealous of relationships that my husband has. He is pretty close to his mother and sometimes I don't like it.

The more I think about certain things like how often they talk on the phone or text or how she called him several months ago and suggested that we move in together because she wanted to get a divorce from her current husband and was afraid she couldn't afford living alone. This was only a few months after we got married, and I don't know her that well. I also didn't appreciate that she only called him and asked him. Of course I wasn't happy about this and he eventually called her back and said that basically that wasn't going to happen because he's married. But he did admit to me that he felt bad about doing that and that he wish he could have been there for her because she seemed to desperate. The thing is also is that she seems to go back and forth a lot about this divorce thing with her husband. They have been unhappy for some time now. I think that she needs to make her decision before asking other people to live with her. Regardless, I don't want to live with my mother in law, but I think just in general, what she did is disrespectful. I still think about this and I get really angry.

Since then, my husband has suggested about 2 or 3 times that maybe both of our mother's could live with us because he knows I miss my mom (she lives in another country) and that I really need more support as well. My mother has already said she doesn't want to do this and I just want her to be happy. He brought this up a couple more times though and I feel like he said this not just for me, but also because he feels bad for his mom because she is in an unhappy marriage. I feel like in some way he is trying to "save" her, i guess. She is 60 years old and she is still working. I don't know her financial situation well so I don't know how hard it would be for her to live alone but she lives in a nice house right now that her and her husband plan to sell.

Also, his mother is a massage therapist and offers to give massages to a lot of people (including myself, but I haven't take her up on that yet). I feel like its weird that she gives my husband massages even though that's her profession. And the more I think about it, I also feel its weird when he rubs her shoulders or anything like that. I mean, I'm definitely not trying to insinuate incest. I just think its too touchy feely for me as a wife to see that.

My mother in law is also having a lot of problems with her own husband and I feel that she is too reliant on my husband for support. My husband has told me that he has felt like a therapist at times to both his mother and her husband (my husband's stepfather). This upsets me because it exhausts him and I feel that they should not be doing that to them because they are adults and that is their personal business. They should go to a therapist or talk to friends or other family members (like people closer to their own age), not her son. But they don't want to see a therapist for various reasons. They are supposedly preparing to officially separate right now though. Me and my husband have our own problems and I think it is wrong for them to unload so much on him.

My husband is used to everyone in his family relying so much on him. He doesn't like it but its a role that he is used to and doesn't know how to let go because he still cares deeply about his family.

I feel really angry right now because my husband accidentally texted me when it was supposed to go to his mom. He said that he would take her up on a massage that she offered. He then realized he sent the text to me and said it was an accident and was supposed to go to his mom and put "lol". I didn't find it funny, it actually really pissed me off. He kept talking to me about other stuff but I wasn't saying much, I haven't told him how I feel but he probably has a feeling. This happened while I was working and so I told him that I couldn't talk.

Are there other married people or people in long-term committed relationships here who can share their perspective on this? Am I being too sensitive and jealous?

My husband knows I can be very jealous and he knows how I feel to some extent. I'm not sure if I should bring this up again though because I don't know if I am being unreasonable. Of course I realize that being in his mom''s life is normal. I just don't have a good handle on what are healthy boundaries in many situations and if their interactions are healthy considering that he is married. He told me before that she is codependent. I don't know if that is really true but I can see why he has said this in the past. He hasn't brought it up recently though.

Thank you in advance for reading my post. Sorry if that was too long.

[Unrigged64072835]

My husband used to be the 'fixer' for his stepmom and grandparents. He gave up that role when he married me and became stepfather to my daughter. His stepmother complained but soon realized that he has his own family to take care of now. Saved us a lot of eight hour trips to where she lives. Her son moved in with her so he now takes that role.

I guess it depends if you want to continue having his family take up both of your time.

[Daisy Dead Petals]

Your anger sounds justified to me. It is wonderful when parents and adult children remain close; however, it sounds like your husband and MIL's relationship definitely leans toward unhealthy codependency. It is never okay to use one's child, even an adult child, as a therapist or surrogate spouse.

In my experience, your husband will need to learn to set better boundaries with his mother if this situation is to improve. Can the two of you seek therapy together to work on this?