Feeling so exhausted!

I feel so tired and alone! My BPD is kicking my butt! I was diagnosed about 4 years ago and feel like my symptoms are going out of control! I've been in therapy for about 9 years and it's helped somewhat. At this point its getting so hard to keep my head above water. I'm still in therapy but I feel like it's becoming less effective and that's scaring me. Can you relate? Feedback much appreciated!...

Sorry you're having a difficult time. Please know that you are not alone. I was dxed about 15 years ago and my bod is getting better but relationships are still hard for me and I can digress quickly over out of control emotional states. Also difficulty lately with identity issues. What do you find hard right now?

Thanks so much for your reply! It is comforting to know I am not alone especially when I feel so alone! The thing I find the hardest right now is the loneliness and hopelessness. I also feel like no one really understands what I am going through. My family is generally pretty supportive but burn out pretty easily when I talk about what I am feeling for too long, which I understand! But the thing about that is when the time of talking to them is over, I'm just back to myself in my head and feel like I cant escape.

Lately I feel like I have been on autopilot, basically just existing and not really being fully present in my life, so I guess I would say thats been another hard thing lately.

I say this with caution because I was seeing a t for 9 years too. I was horribly attached to that t. So that is why I say this with caution. I got to the point you are now. Have you thought about changing therapists? Doing DBT?

9 years with many different therapists! And yes I have tried DBT and found it to be pretty invalidating actually! What therapies have you tried?

I think even though it took a very long time 9 years total psychodynamic and reparenting. Then I attended DBT but I had the ground under me and more ego strength. I was a lot older when I was dx with BPD. So age was also a factor. Until the end I had a really good T. He fired me. UGH!!! Because I was regressing instead of getting better and he pull the plug UGH. I went to 2 different DBT T one had been trained by Marsha herself. I was lucky with that.

Are you still doing DBT?

I graduated and I use the skills in my everyday life

Oh ok. I could never seem to be able to see how I could use the skills. To me DBT seemed like a way of avoiding talking about root issues

Hey, how are you doing? It is scary when we try so many things for so many years and just don't get "better". When I feel really bad I keep telling myself that it will pass, it always does. Just do whatever you need to do to comfort yourself. That seems to help me. Of course, I'm not suggesting or condoning the use/misuse of (illicit) drugs or alcohol. That just makes things worse. Simple things like staying home in your pj's reading all day. Drinking cocoa. A gentle walk in a field, along a country road, at the beach, in a park. You take care.

Yeah it is so hard when I've tried so much to get better and nothing has really worked. It's so frustrating!! Honestly, I am not doing very well at all! At this point I am desperately trying to stay away from the psych ward. I've never had an inpatient hospitalization but I feel very close to one purely out of pain and desperation that I am feeling. I wouldn't say I am suicidal but the ideation is just as bad! Help!! Feedback is greatly appreciated! Going outside and doing things to distract myself only makes me feel worse!

Are you on any medication?

It allows you to think (clearly) about ways to improve without the confusion, impulses and anxiety making it impossible.

Yes, I am on 2 meds. One for anxiety and the other for depression. I have been on meds for about 6 years and they have done little to help me so I might be getting off them soon because I feel its unnecessary to be on meds if they are not helping me. So I am at my wits end as to what else to try. I feel like my psychiatrist and therapist don't truly understand the pain and desperation that I am feeling and thats so frustrating!

Have you tried an antipsychotic?

It makes emotions (but not anxiety, not directly) less meaningful/powerful. Indirectly that reduces anxiety (and with that the desperation). It reduces the need to express your emotions, your impulse, because they affect you less strongly. You have time to think and your beliefs are more stable.

I have not. Are antipsychotics addictive?

No. There's a short period where symptoms probably become a bit worse than before you started taking them (that happens with all meds) when you stop taking them, but far less so than anxiety meds and pretty much all other psych meds.

I'd really recommend them for a while just to think clearly and better analyse your emotion regulation, (like) (impulsive) behaviour and question your beliefs (in a deliberate way).

I need them for BP as well, but it has helped (and helps) people with just BPD. I'm just lucky.

I am nervous about trying anymore meds. BPD is said to be med resist anyway so its not something I am willing to do anymore. I am at my wits end as to what is helping

Hello, i can somewhat relate...especially to the exhaustion part...i feel tired from constant "self-repairing and correction", while my overall quality of life is still suboptimal (and its an understatement...some things are better and in those areas i see great improvement (impulsivness, anger issues, self-destructive behaviors) but i am still dealing with profound anxiety, derealization, depression and constant oscillations, (and i am now well into my 30s)...i do all it takes to deal with this...i am questioning/counterargumenting my cognitive distortions, i try to activate myself, i observe my emotions instead of being "in them", i am writing different perspectives/sollutions to current problems...i am controlling the inner chaos with rational mind, but i am still far from emotional mastery...and its really exhausting (the enormous effort exerted to control things, combined with low positive emotions)...from my experience (and it is of course not to be generalized), meds are useful in short terms (current crisis symptom control)...overall, what keeps me going is the satisfaction and pride i take from every little achievement i ve made, better insight that i have after all these years, and better overall control that enables me to function on a daily basis...

Thanks so much for your response! The thing that is really feeling like a block for me is doing all the skills to feel better. It feels like so much effort and thats when I stop. When something takes to much emotional effort, I shut down. So thats where I am right now. I just cant take myself anymore. I am in so much emotional pain. I also had a lot of childhood trauma (I'm in my mid 20's). The trauma is really catching up with me and haunts me daily.

I can only talk from my experience since bpd clinical picture is heterogeneous and we all have different sets of symptoms (although we fit into general dsm criteria)...i am not familiar with dbt (not available in the area i live in), i am applying basic cbt and it has been relatively useful...i understand you are in great emotional distress and i know it can be very hard at times...every day is a battle for me too, some days are better some are harder, and i have made it my "life mission" to find strategies and tools that work for me (trial and error). symptoms are constantly shifting and i try to find best ways to cope. it requires effort, and yes i'm tired. But for me giving up is not an option. I'll give you an example...years back i had excessive panic attacks and have developed severe agoraphobia (at one point i couldnt leave the house). after period of desperation i decided to do something. i have read a lot on the issue, talked to my therapist and made a plan. i have gained theoretical baseground and tools but needed to put theory into practice. I had to learn to stay "calm" during panic attacks and have walked 50 m longer every day dealing with great fear. It was hell, it was the unknown, i couldnt know if it was going to work, and i had to do it by myself, alone. But i kept going and it took me some (longer) time to actually walk around without severe anxiety (this was my way of dealing with the problem, other people might find different approaches more useful)...but what i want to say, is that the effort i put into all that was essential to the end result, and the strategies and skills i have gained through that experience are now helpful in many different areas. Dont give up on yourself, every micro step forward is a true victory!

p.s. excuse my english (grammar mistakes), it is not my native language