[cnk0601]

I need some support. I lived my entire life (40 years) in repression, denial, burying feelings and being co dependant. I was a people pleaser and ignored my needs until I had nothing left. I lost my main loved one who raised me as a co dependant 5 years ago...the shock of that woke me up. I started to see my pain, let it come to the surface at times, but it was so painful that I drank for a while in a last ditch effort to keep my pain down. It didn't work.

So now I'm taking meds, just starting work with a therapist. I'm ready to feel my feelings and try to get healthy. BUT...

I got into a relationship that at first was a healthy good thing, but that I started to grab onto and manipulate into making me feel good in ways I should have done for myself. That person retreated from my unhealthy attachment and it "triggered" the most desperate, scared, painful abandoned and rejection feelings I could ever imagine existed!!

I see what I did wrong. I've stopped. But I'm so afraid I've messed up the good part I could have had by this relationship. I'm covered in guilt and shame. It hurts to see how "emotionally disabled" I really am.

I see my therapist in two weeks...but I need to do my part to control my way too intense over emotions right now.

Can someone tell me I'll be ok. There is hope to fix things and I'm not alone?

I feel like such a mess and I created a mess with someone I could have used as a real support.

I was abused and neglected, kept from healthy attachment starting before the age of one, before I had language. And it's hard to realize just what that did to me. I've never fit in and always wanted to be a "normal" person...but that won't happen. All I can do is try to be better and heal every day.

Thank you for reading if anybody does. I'm just looking to not feel so alone.

Well, you're most definitely not alone in your struggles cnk0601, that much I do know. And even though you're going through a pretty rough patch a present, just stay on track with your therapy, keep reaching out, and things will begin to settle down and improve again, you'll see. It'll be okay, don't worry. A lot of people can relate to what you posted here.

[Skeezyks]

Hello cnk0601: Congratulations on facing your fears & doing what needs to be done in order to heal. Yes, things absolutely can get better. And you're definitely not alone... especially now you're here on PC! I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[Unrigged64072835]

(((((cnk0601)))))

It's good that you're recognizing some things and are willing to work on yourself. I do hope you achieve peace in this manner.

[Daisy Dead Petals]

Please know that you are not alone. I'm at a similar place in my life where I'm realizing just how deeply childhood trauma has limited my adult relationships.

Attachment disturbances are very confusing and painful to work through. Fortunately, it sounds like you have an excellent grasp of your issues. So many who struggle with developmental trauma are unable to even reach this point. I hope your therapist is able to help you build on the work you've done on your own.

[jean17]

Originally Posted by cnk0601

I need some support. I lived my entire life (40 years) in repression, denial, burying feelings and being co dependant. I was a people pleaser and ignored my needs until I had nothing left. I lost my main loved one who raised me as a co dependant 5 years ago...the shock of that woke me up. I started to see my pain, let it come to the surface at times, but it was so painful that I drank for a while in a last ditch effort to keep my pain down. It didn't work.

So now I'm taking meds, just starting work with a therapist. I'm ready to feel my feelings and try to get healthy. BUT...

I got into a relationship that at first was a healthy good thing, but that I started to grab onto and manipulate into making me feel good in ways I should have done for myself. That person retreated from my unhealthy attachment and it "triggered" the most desperate, scared, painful abandoned and rejection feelings I could ever imagine existed!!

I see what I did wrong. I've stopped. But I'm so afraid I've messed up the good part I could have had by this relationship. I'm covered in guilt and shame. It hurts to see how "emotionally disabled" I really am.

I see my therapist in two weeks...but I need to do my part to control my way too intense over emotions right now.

Can someone tell me I'll be ok. There is hope to fix things and I'm not alone?

I feel like such a mess and I created a mess with someone I could have used as a real support.

I was abused and neglected, kept from healthy attachment starting before the age of one, before I had language. And it's hard to realize just what that did to me. I've never fit in and always wanted to be a "normal" person...but that won't happen. All I can do is try to be better and heal every day.

Thank you for reading if anybody does. I'm just looking to not feel so alone.

I am so sorry that you are feeling so bad. You have probably seen your therapist by now so I'm hoping that she/he has helped you. I know that it is hard feeling so bad and feeling so alone. But we are here for you and we do understand. Give yourself a big hug. Congratulate yourself for trying so hard. You are doing okay. Take good care of your physical and emotional needs. Try some self-comforting. Stay warm. Read or watch a nice movie. Drink some hot chocolate. Take a nice walk. I send you