My NP refuses to consider I might have BPD

Pastel Kitten · Dec 22, 2016 at 01:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Icare dixit

I've stolen and lied just because, but it's by no means the hallmark of BPD. Many therapists are useless.

If anything, the hallmark of BPD is most likely the fear of abandonment.

Bugs-N-Hugs · Dec 23, 2016 at 05:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pastel Kitten

If anything, the hallmark of BPD is most likely the fear of abandonment.

That's pretty much my biggest fear. Being left alone and lonely. Even though I self-isolate so much everyone I know is worrying about me. At least they seem to be. But the idea of losing someone or not really having them--or thinking I have them only for them to dump me or phase me out is terrifying. It makes me want to sob until I puke. I push people away before I have a chance to love them because if I'm gonna lose them anyway, might as well get a jump on it, right? Why wait and drag **** out? And why be the dumpee when you can be the dumper? Saving dignity, right?

Riiiiiight.

Pastel Kitten · Dec 24, 2016 at 03:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bugs-N-Hugs

That's pretty much my biggest fear. Being left alone and lonely. Even though I self-isolate so much everyone I know is worrying about me. At least they seem to be. But the idea of losing someone or not really having them--or thinking I have them only for them to dump me or phase me out is terrifying. It makes me want to sob until I puke. I push people away before I have a chance to love them because if I'm gonna lose them anyway, might as well get a jump on it, right? Why wait and drag **** out? And why be the dumpee when you can be the dumper? Saving dignity, right?

Riiiiiight.

I can't stand being alone because it leaves me with my thoughts, which can often become very negative. It's like I need someone to drown them out for me or they get louder and louder. That's why I know that when I want to be alone, I'm in a very bad state of mind because I don't really want that. I know what you mean with pushing people away, but for me it manifested in a really subconscious way. After a lot of abandonment and/or failed relationships with people, I realized that overtime despite being able to talk to people fairly easily, I could not bond with them easily at all. It's like my heart locked itself up overtime to protect me. There have been exceptions to this, but it's very rare.

Bugs-N-Hugs · Dec 24, 2016 at 03:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pastel Kitten

I can't stand being alone because it leaves me with my thoughts, which can often become very negative. It's like I need someone to drown them out for me or they get louder and louder. That's why I know that when I want to be alone, I'm in a very bad state of mind because I don't really want that. I know what you mean with pushing people away, but for me it manifested in a really subconscious way. After a lot of abandonment and/or failed relationships with people, I realized that overtime despite being able to talk to people fairly easily, I could not bond with them easily at all. It's like my heart locked itself up overtime to protect me. There have been exceptions to this, but it's very rare.

We may have been separated at birth, because that's me all over, alas. Being alone with my thoughts is the literal worst for me. Just--awful. I can't focus on the things I use to distract myself, so it's a nightmare these days. One that only gets worse over time. Plus, I'm socially facile on the surface, but underneath, I'm . . . not at all enjoying myself or comfortable. But I put on a very good act. Intimacy of any kind is terrifying and horrifying to me, and yet I crave the thing I fear most. If only because when one is taken up/taken over by others, one has little time or inclination to focus on or drown in oneself.

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My NP refuses to consider I might have BPD

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