BPD and 3rd marriage.

--THIS IS SERIOUSLY LONG, AND NOBODY HAS TO READ IT, MOSTLY IT IS JUST GETTING THOUGHTS ON PAPER -- OF COURSE, ANYONE IS WELCOME TO READ AND RESPOND. BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO. I AM NOT NEEDING KUDOS OR HUGS. JUST OTHER PERSPECTIVES. --

I have BPD, BP, GAD. I am on my 3rd marriage.

1st marriage: after being stalked 21 months, I met a friend and lost a job, and got married because in the weakened state of having been stalked, I needed some support. On a Monday night, after begging me to marry him for 3 months - I said yes, and we did it about 4 hours later. Not because I loved him, I knew I didn't. But because it was Vegas, and if I didn't do something - he would want to watch the Simpsons that night, and I frigging hated the Simpsons. 10 years. I stayed 10 years because it was marriage. Never liked the guy. Tried hard to be perfect. He was very demanding. He liked me moldable, he didn't like me developing who I was.

2nd marriage: less then 1 year after my 1st marriage broke up, my best friend had terminal cancer. She was also my Sensei. I was nuts, my mental illnesses really reeking havoc, and I wasn't treating them. I lived with my Sensei/friend and rented out my place. I told her when she died, I couldn't live there anymore because it would be inappropriate, and she was angry and said that would be when her family would need her the most. I married her husband like 5 months after she died in some warped attempt to do some noble thing. He wouldn't stop crying. It was the only thing I could think of to fix things, and raise her son - who was his step-son, and he wanted to give the boy to some of her cousins to raise, because during her illness he has lost everything trying to care for her un-insured cancer.

3rd marriage: I really love this guy. He is funny and relaxing. I am smiling just thinking about him. First time I have been married to someone I chose, who I love, who loves me back. We have been together 9 years. I am 24 years older then he is. He never cares about my age. It is a non-issue, even though statistically it doesn't look good.

Here is the thing: we don't have sex - I think he is Asexual. So, not having sex is fine. I am past menopause so even though I still sometimes have desires, not having sex is fine. It took me a few years of feeling rejected and unwanted to learn that - I am loved and wanted, just not sexually - because he doesn't have those desires. If we slept together, it might happen more, due to friction he said, but we don't. Since we both create our own hours - creating our own sleeping spaces just happened organically. It is kind of freeing, never having to worry about sex. I do miss feeling desired sometimes. The emotional feeling of being wanted physically was satisfying and powerful.

He doesn't want children because the world is overpopulated. He prefers dogs, so that isn't an issue for his future. With the age difference, of course I worry about things he will miss out on, being with me. But, he isn't interested in propagating. Plus, with the age difference, he could have children for decades yet, if I pass, and he changes his mind. He says he can't see himself ever marrying again. I am too perfect, what we have is too perfect. He is in it until death. He says wonderful things like that.

I own a house, that I gave him half of last year, to protect him in the event of my death. I have been trying to get him to go to college, or somehow prepare himself for when I die, but he doesn't want to do anything. He says he can learn or teach himself anything. Not to worry about him. But really, what will a man who is maybe 40-50 do - if he never has a job, and just lived with his wife all his life? So yes, I worry that he will be unprepared to care for himself if I die.

So, here we are, with our dogs, and no car, living in this little house, and taking a cab into town 2 times a month for groceries. He lives upstairs, and I live downstairs.

It is kind of like just good roommates.

I like taking care of the house, and I cook and clean, because accomplishing tasks fulfills me. Plus, it gives me a needed feeling of contributing, and just being busy. I like to have my chores.

He does the lawn in the summer. And he shovels sometimes. But basically, I am wondering, "Is this all there will be?"

I mean, I am content. Safe, accepted, not threatened or abused or bullied. What I think, how I act, if I clean or not - all is accepted. That is huge. Being accepted for myself. But I kind of want some invisible more. He says I do this every winter because I get cabin fever.

I would like to put some dreams of something more on his lap, and have some feeling of hope for new stimuli. I would like to think that we are aimed at something, instead of just gaming and computers and living off my social security disability check. It would be nice if he got a job - even a temp job, to make it possible to buy more stuff. I would like just a little more. We usually end up fighting if I suggest it. I am not accepting him as he is. But, I can't work - well, I could and have begun to look, but I will never be able to work full time again. My disorders had gotten that bad. I understand my limits.

He also doesn't like me suggesting that he go to college, or anything about his life. So, year after year goes by and still we sit in the house, gaming. (We met online, on an MMORPG game).

I mean. I do love him. And, he loves me. And - we get along, but it is starting to feel like it isn't even marriage.

My ex (2nd husband) called me a week ago and basically invited me to join him in a retirement I would love. A motor home, travel. I think in his mind I am the one that got away. He outlines his pension, that he is fit still playing handball, that he will be set up quite nicely with a pension and ss, how much he has in savings and that he wants to buy a little motor home or camper, and travel around the country. That he misses me. My moods made things fun, and he would be leaving in June.

Basically he handed me my dream of retirement - but with the wrong leading man.

The only problem is, I don't love him. We get along. I like him. But the thought of having sex with him - blech. I had 7 years of no orgasm with him, and 10 years of no orgasm with the first husband. As rare as sex might be with this husband, at least I orgasmed nearly every time. Loving someone opened me up to allowing it.

I wouldn't mind the traveling. I even miss the super bowl with husband #2. We are nearer the same age - he is 10 years older then me, but I don't care about age. He is quite nice. He would be an equal, and it would be nice to be an equal instead of always the one handling everything. I could afford more. I could afford margaritas, and sit on a beach again.

He knew all the right things to say. I wanted that dream, but with husband #3 - who doesn't have that dream at all. He doesn't want travel, he just wants what we have here. He says this is a castle. Am I a fool? I never understood those people who could marry for money or position. Yet, here I sit, looking over the fence and thinking that grass looks mighty green.

The idea of living in society again. Living some life of more then just sitting here on a couch with a husband upstairs that I talk to a few times a day...

What is this?

Am I even married?

With my issues, I do like a lot of alone time. Alone time calms me down. The house is very quiet. I am alone maybe 22 hours a day or more. Cumulatively, I like it - it is restful, but it is also boring, and sometimes lonely. But then, sometimes, spending time with my husband is tiring. I can only take people in short spurts. When we do have a chat about once a week, it might be 2 hours. But there is very little interaction.

But, I am married to someone who has garbage on the floor of his room. He is stuck in some place. He really needs to be challenged.

But who am I to say that? I am not his mother. If that is what he chooses, isn't that respecting him and accepting him as he is? Maybe, - maybe marriage and relationships don't have a specific definition.

We work.

If my ex hadn't called me, I wouldn't be thinking about him.

I wish this husband had a little more giddy up.

I am more energetic then my husband, even though he is so much younger then me. I like to make thoughts and plans, and goals. But on my disability check, none of these things can come true. He says I do this every winter. Start complaining about wanting something more, and getting cabin fever.

I wrap my world around making him every pleasure I can from my life. I try to make sure he has soda, and chips. And I make the meals he likes. But, I don't feel the effort is reciprocated. I enjoy thinking of ways to please him, and he enjoys being pleased. If I wanted more happiness for myself, he tells me to find it. He says he doesn't make me do kind things for him, and if we can't afford soda for him, why do I buy it? I am not allowed to ask him to clean those rooms up there. We agreed to that this year. That I won't try to control his space. Also, I may not clean his areas.

I do feel loved. And I feel loving toward him. I feel like we work. But, I don't know what to call us. I guess, marriage is anything 2 people want it to be. People work out their own needs and rules.

Am I a fool?

It is the Super Bowl this weekend. I miss what my ex and I did on Super Bowl weekend. We had rituals. Holiday, and event rituals that older people do. Christmas trees, and hot wings on Super Bowl Sunday. This husband doesn't even like ritual events or holidays.

I do miss my 2nd husband at times. I even miss my first husband when something needs fixing. Both my first 2 husbands were old fashioned men who found projects. My current husband - well, doesn't find things to do. He did teach himself computer programming, and he makes music and games.

Am I married? Or ..... did I somehow surround my life with my children, and find a permanent replacement for them? Am I living a life of a perpetual Mom with no husband? Is that, for me, what I wanted?

It would be nice to be married to my ex again. For some things. Like, just having a man to count on for being the one with the final say. Being taken out to dinner.

Maybe I am just being bored, BPD, and wanting some excitement.

I don't want to make a mistake, and have more lost years I regret. I want to give genuine love, and I get to do that with this husband. I truly love him and want to help give him a happy life. But, having some kind of 'more' would be nice too.

I like this husband, but waiting for him to grow up is taking a lot more years then I thought it would. I don't understand why he thinks we are married, and why this is happiness for him. He thinks this is a castle, and we are so well off. He could never want more.

Usually, I find things to occupy myself, and I try to not want more too. In the summer, I can keep myself distracted.

But to have someone call me on the phone and offer a silver platter with my dreams.

But, I wouldn't want to leave my 3rd husband. He is the only one I loved.

I will keep waiting I guess. Waiting for my dreams to come true with this husband. Or, as I decided last week - I will try to change my dreams. Maybe, I have the wrong dreams of retirement. I have always been a traveler, and a wanderer. It is nice, having some stability. For me, with BP and BPD, stability feels boring sometimes. But, maybe other people might want more, even without those disorders.

My life just feels a little bit too small for me. Just a little.

I just want a little more money, to be able to maybe plant a little garden, and it would be nice to paint the shed without having to worry and scrimp over where I will get the $70 to do it. It would be just nice to be able to buy more things here and there to have a bit more joy in life. I wish my husband wanted a little more.

Am I wasting my years? Am I married? Is learning to be content with less going to eventually be reached? How do I unlearn an old dream? Statistics do not look good for a marriage of 24 years apart, and I am certainly not getting any younger. If this husband leaves me in 3 years, will I spend the rest of my life alone in this house, having missed a great opportunity to travel with a peer? Being left up in no mans land with nothing but taxi drivers to mingle with?

Later the same evening, after writing this, my husband came downstairs. I said to him," Are we doing some strange acting out of the mother and son relationship?" He said, "When you put it like that....", and grinned and sat down for a chat. We talked about what marriage is to us. What we are doing. If we like each other. It was the same as usual - a relaxed, smiling conversation where we both acknowledged feeling that invisible, but undeniable wisp of loving that moves in between us, and surrounds us. We work. Plain and Simple. For us, we work.

Perhaps it is the dynamic of 2 very wounded, messed up souls that found the perfect balm.

My husband had been terribly abused growing up. Think handcuffed to a basement pole for 3 days abused. He had even lived on the streets for awhile. When we met on the internet, he had gotten his own place, and had a job paying nearly double the minimum wage of the time. But he threw chance to the wind and moved 5 states away from everything he had known all his life, to take a chance on this relationship.

At first, it looked like everything would be fine. We both worked, until I got a 2nd promotion on a different shift, and we decided he should stay home.

Soon, the stress began to activate my untreated illnesses. I started to display more and more inappropriate emotions, until finally I was let go. This started a chain of events that led to a credit rating in the 300's, a repossessed car, and nearly losing my home. It has been an uphill battle.

When I cried to him that I thought I would lose the house, he said, "then we will live on the streets". For 5 years, I couldn't go anywhere alone. If I wasn't with my case care aid, my husband would be with me. The year I had agoraphobia, my husband rode a bicycle into town to get groceries. It's a 5 mile trip both ways. When I am too long in the bath, he comes and checks on me. Even if I am outside too long, he comes out to see that I am well. He says, "I am looking forward to changing your diapers when you get old and senile". I tell him to please remember to pluck my chin hairs too. He says smiling, "Only if you're good".

He was firmly against me giving him half the house. "That is not why I am here! How many times do I have to tell you, I am not here for the money!"

The other day I woke up from one of my med induced naps, to find my eyelashes dry and flaky. I put some oil around my eyes, and went upstairs to say something to him. He glanced up from what he was doing, and, looking alarmed, immediately asked me if I was okay, I looked like I had been crying due to the shine. If I had been, he would have stopped anything he was doing to help me through that rough patch. In December, when I barricaded us in the house and booby trapped the doors because I thought I had uncovered a fb code a criminal gang used to communicate - and they were clearly coming to kill me - he rode the storm out.

I did have him go to counseling the first 2 years we were together, but he didn't like participating in that, and mostly jerked her chain.

He has issues. But, since we have been together, the volcanic temper has become slow burning coals, only warmed by stirring. Last year we only had 2 arguments. He stopped drinking by the end of year 3. He has never hit me, and doesn't insult my feelings or my brain. If he does anything I don't like, I say something. Same for him. We are both able to be honest.

Maybe sometimes counseling cannot help people get over wounds as much as time. Perhaps, in some way, we are a loving older woman offering kindness and support to a younger man. And, a younger man giving an older woman a sense of being needed, in a world that doesn't need her. But we are also equals with respect for each other.

We both are committed to that.

Maybe, for people like us, marriage isn't as much creating and fulfilling dreams together - as it is, having someone who will help create a safe environment for us both. So we have very few triggers going off. So, we have the private space we need when the emotions are in upheaval, to sort through them without ridicule, accusations or interference. Perhaps, instead of living out a fantasy idea of what marriage is supposed to be, based on society's template, the two people must create their own unique situation. There is no set location for the bowls to be. Just because I always kept my bowls on the 1st shelf doesn't mean he was wrong to put them on the 2nd. Eventually, I learned things like that don't have a right or wrong. What's the big deal? So now, the bowls are on the 2nd shelf, and we use 2 tubes of toothpaste, as per my desire. We found what works.

My life prior to him was a crazy and unpredictable series of impulsive choices, never attained goals, and painful mistakes. Looking back on my road, I see terrible twists, turns, broken things abandoned along the way - until the road meets this man. It slowly begins straightening out. I can make sense of it.

Maybe the me that had gold and pink sparkly dreams in the air was the same me, that crashed and burned coming down. Over and over again.

Now, this small life has consistency.

And perhaps someday, he will be healthy enough to want to have more.

But, the same way he put up with my emotional outbursts and set backs, maybe he still needs more time. Just because he doesn't display his emotions in some dramatic display, doesn't mean he isn't still processing internal changes. He did just within the past year, begin talking to other humans beyond just typing. He interacts with a team of people, and is finally developing his first friendship outside of me. That is very healthy.



I feel better. It is understandable that a call - offering me a more adventurous life - would appeal to the old impulsive me. I have lived all over, and been pretty adventurous.

But learning to dive down to the still deep water, instead of staying tossed about on the surface takes choices and sacrifice. But, what I will gain from it will undoubtedly be better for my untamed inner core.

I needed to get this out. Thank you, I feel better. <3 Peace