[windysmile12]

I had a guy that was interested in me for a while. I told him at a few points not to get involved, because I knew how I was. But then realized how bitter I was becoming one day and suggested we try dating, after all. He had already witnessed me being hospitalized twice by then, and said he accepted my mental illnesses as long as I was willing to get better.

Well I did get better for a while but then I relapsed into the borderline chaos. And after months of him standing by my side through the weeks where I layed in his bed, too depressed to move, the shouting matches, me pleading him to go, he got sick of it and said we needed to take a break.

So then I became very scared of him leaving. Because fear of abandonment, act... And clung onto any interaction we did have, making anything to do with him some part of the holy grail. I went back to school and got a job, because he said these were things I needed to do. I got my binge eating under control. But I did it to get back with him. And that is not what he wanted. He wants me to get better for me, so there can be two sane people in the relationship.

After I freaked out on him a little over two weeks ago because he didn't want to kiss me when I was drunk, he said he needed to distance himself further. Which is understandable. But it also really sucks, because I was doing well when I was with him, in terms of functioning. It is like I need other people around me to function.

I felt so rejected after the drunk incident that I cut off my hair and got drunk, slept with someone else. In my friends bed. Which was really disrespectful. Now, my friend doesn't want me to be at her house anymore. Which is understandable. But I don't do well with being alone.

When I'm alone, its almost like I'm addicted to making myself miserable. I bie eat until I can't move. Lay in bed all day! Put off things I need to do like studying. Don't shower. Stop exercising. I don't know why, but I he

[windysmile12]

I haven't left my house in two weeks, not really showered, relapsing into binge eating... Can't seem to stop destroying myself in any way possible. The breakup in my fault. All my friends are now gone too, as a result of my behavior. But I just don't seem to care about anything anymore and I really wish I did. Breakups leave me wrecked.

[windysmile12]

My partner couldn't take the possessiveness and instability. And I can't blame him. But he was the center of my world. My motivation to get out of bed. And that very dependency drove him away. I haven't gotten out of bed since he had to step back. I haven't been showering. I got into a really good self-care routine when we were together... I was goim to the gym, doing yoga, cooking healthy meals for us... But I've stopped doing all of that. Im so mad at ruining the relationship that he says might stand a chance of beginning again if I can get better, that I am not slowing myself to get better. It is like I am addicted to self destruction and can't stop doing things that will hurt me... Like binge eat, sleep, avoid responsibilities. I really got my binge eating under control when we were together, but have completely relapsed into it. And I can't find anything to get me out. All that I love is gone. And I don't even know how to love. Its like I just use people for motivation to not destroy myself.