[UnforgivenII]

Hi all.
I apologize in advance as this will be a long post.
I am in a relationship with a 47yrs old BPD man.I am 48. I want to add that I love and respect him deeply. I have done many mistakes-human ones I guess- before I understood his condition. I apologize for any mistake as English is not my first language. I read Stop Walking on Eggshells and it was a real eye opener for me. But the emotional weight of this relationship in addition to my own issues brought me to a diagnosis of PTSD last summer. I have been in therapy with a very smart EMDR therapist. The journey of self knowing through therapy has been very important for me.
My partner has been very vague about his condition. He admits he has one. I found a paper with the name of a very famous mental centre in my town, he hid it after two minutes. It moves me so much that he is actually doing something for himself, I respect the fact he does not want to share it with me even if I did with him. I do not see his diagnosis (my therapist made it and it was confirmed by his mother) I see him. I mean, I love him as a person and his diagnosis is just a part of him.What I see is....there is so much good. So much. And there is...something else.
I appreciate so much his intellectual skills, his depth of perceptions, his care for any form of life, even small insects, his social commitment. I am scared by his rages, his outbursts.
The infidelity would be a real deal breaker for me. I cannot say he has been unfaithful but he has lots of female friends. And he seems obsessed by an ex even if he claims it is me, that it is not actually true. But it is. After he dumped me for a silly reason I stayed with my pain and I never looked for him. He was wrong and he had to admit it. He tried to contact me in silly and childish ways, through friends or hanging up the phone or following me. I managed to stop them all.
Finally he went back and admitted his faults and asked me back. He is unable, really, unable to express his feelings, and I have cried a lot for this by myself. But he speaks "huggese" :-) I can sense what he means from his hugs. Or someitimes I just sense it deep within me. I know it sounds stupid but it is true. I mean there is such a strong connection between us and it was there even when I did not see him physically.
I "know" he loves me. I hope you get it. I am not deluding myself. I would prefer a painful truth, believe me. I Know he loves me. But I sense many more things.
Physical intimacy is an issue. In 8 months of relationship we have had some heaven moments. But I can count them on the fingers of one hand. The rest of the time it has been.....weird. Unsuccessful. Sad.
There are times when he looks for me but long periods where he does not touch me at all. It can last several weeks. So it is understandable I feel jealous or insecure or rejected. But I cannot express these feelings. He feels criticized and he rages. He says he feels so frustrated I do not get he loves me. Yes but I am frustrated too.

Can any of you please try to explain me why physical intimacy is such an issue? I am quite an attractive woman for my age. Oh I understand the push pull.....at a rational level. But the more I get closer to him, the more he rejects me. It hurts. It hurts so much.

Please .Any help would be appreciated. I have already mourned the relationship I wished I had with him. I accept and cherish the one I have. Do I have to mourn physical intimacy too? I am not sure I can ever accept or understand that. Oh why.

[UnforgivenII]

Please. Can anyone help? Thank you in advance.

[UnforgivenII]

65people Read. Not one spent a word.
So be it.
Thank you!

[crimsoncat]

im sorry that nobody has replied to your post ,maybe like me they are at a bit of a loss as to what to say,I know that this can be difficult in any relationship but maybe more so if one has bpd,I how you find the help you need soon .

Sorry I can't really answer. I have no idea. But hugs to you. I hope you find some answers.

[Fuzzybear]

I'm sorry I don't have an answer either. Hugs to you

[Arctos]

The only thing i can think of, and its only from my own personal experience as it were, you say he loves you, and i have no intentions of trying to contradict you, but perhaps, he is afraid the closer he gets to you, the more you will leave him?, i don't know if I'm wording this right, its hard for me to express what i feel in words most times. for me, the closer i get to someone i love weather intimately or just romantically, the more afraid of being rejected, of being abandoned, so i personally keep them at bay, regardless of how much i love them. so, its possible, again this is based on my own experience, so take it with a grain of salt, but perhaps he "rejects you the closer you get' in an attempt to protect himself from real or imagined pain of abandonment or rejection.

I hope i have been able to give even a little bit of an answer, if not i do apologies.

[jjh78]

I understand a bit of what you're going through, Unforgiven.

My girlfriend was very affectionate when we first started dating. And as the months went by those moments got fewer and far between. It was if I was sharing my home with nothing more than a roommate. Now some of that had to do with her internal shame of not having a job and relying on me to pay for almost everything. Regardless of how much I told her not to worry it had the opposite effect.

She doesn't like to be touched at all when she is raging, but won't allow me to leave the room during this time.

But back to the affection. It is hard to not take it personally that someone with BPD does not want to touch you, let alone give you a kiss or more. It's even tougher to have a conversation about that with them. All I can suggest you do is take care of yourself right now.

I know that isn't much help, but I wanted to let you know you're not alone and will be glad to speak with you if you ever need someone to listen.

[ScrewedUpMe]

I haven't been in this forum for a while but just saw your post and wanted to try and help. I have BPD and intimacy is a huge issue for me. I have hardly been intimate with my husband in years and it's always been difficult. For me, being intimate would require me to relax and that's something I rarely ever do. When there is so much going on in my head, so much angst, rage, intrusive thoughts, obsessive thoughts etc etc. I cannot allow myself to slow down or stop or relax because these thoughts would become unbearable. Even when my husband tries to hug me, if I am stressed out I can't even stop for that one minute to hug him. I need to keep busy, distracted. I rarely stop, sit down, watch a movie etc. because my mind is always racing. I have no idea if this could be what your husband is experiencing but just wanted to share in the hope it might help. Hope things improve