[TishaBuv]

After nearly 4000 posts, I come to the crystal clear realization that my struggles are all about control.

I am not at all a controlling person. I have a domineering, controlling mother. When I have tried to control anything within my right to, she battles me. My reaction becomes overwhelming emotion, BPD, PTSD.

When I tried to control my sexuality with my h, he simply did not comply because what I wanted meant change from him to be something he is not, so he just didn't do it. Rather than being honest and rational with me about my unrealistic desires (that he could not deliver because he ??? I still don't understand why), he gaslighted me this whole life together. This also caused my reaction to become overwhelming emotion, BPD, PTSD.

That's it for battles for control in my life. No issues like that with any one else.

Now the battles are done. I lost. So did they.

I will not get in to any new battles with any one else, now understanding my repercussions of SH. For my own self preservation, I must stay away from control issues.

I have been thinking about control issues a lot lately as well and feel like a sure way to eventually lose someone's love is to be to controlling. We have a right to be the person we naturally are and want to be. We can encourage and accept others (and vice versa). Maybe with this battle behind you, you will begin to move on with your life? I hope so. I care about you and want you to feel better.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

I have been thinking about control issues a lot lately as well and feel like a sure way to eventually lose someone's love is to be to controlling. We have a right to be the person we naturally are and want to be. We can encourage and accept others (and vice versa). Maybe with this battle behind you, you will begin to move on with your life? I hope so. I care about you and want you to feel better.

I see you are also up in the wee hours... yes, I blew it with my h, but we weren't intimately compatible

[TishaBuv]

Maybe it's worth trying a med for anger as a last ditch effort to stay in the marriage.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Maybe it's worth trying a med for anger as a last ditch effort to stay in the marriage.

But are you angry now? I don't think meds fix relationships; only dampen our emotions, help us sleep, speed us up, that kind of thing. Your posts make me think that your anger is softening. Is it?

[TishaBuv]

No. Heads are rolling. Now my other sister who I get along with is on my shyt list, too.

The conversation this morning was her correcting me in what I told her about my results from my procedure (she is wrong), and patronizing me as she always does regarding the blow out with the rest of the family, implying there is really nothing wrong and I will get back involved with them. Also, zero empathy, zero help regarding my being ill.

Now, I know I must look like the problem to any bystanders, but it really is them. It's unbelievable.

I'm terrified to take the meds for anger. Read about the med I was prescribed two years ago, bought, and never took. I'm too scared of the side effects. I am not imagining these people treating me with disregard, they really are and I can't stand it.

I need to just end these relationships and find the strength to do so.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

No. Heads are rolling. Now my other sister who I get along with is on my shyt list, too.

The conversation this morning was her correcting me in what I told her about my results from my procedure (she is wrong), and patronizing me as she always does regarding the blow out with the rest of the family, implying there is really nothing wrong and I will get back involved with them. Also, zero empathy, zero help regarding my being ill.

Now, I know I must look like the problem to any bystanders, but it really is them. It's unbelievable.

I'm terrified to take the meds for anger. Read about the med I was prescribed two years ago, bought, and never took. I'm too scared of the side effects. I am not imagining these people treating me with disregard, they really are and I can't stand it.

I need to just end these relationships and find the strength to do so.

You've described enough to me to make me think that you are not the problem in regards to your mother. What you are saying about your sisters in the quote above does not seem unimaginable. Your emotions about your H sometimes seem all over the place. Of course I cannot judge what is going on from afar and it is hard to tell the whole story here (maybe we shouldn't be). It does seem like the marriage therapy is hurting more than helping because rather than really listening to you, it is two against one!

[TishaBuv]

I told her that her patronizing was obnoxious. That's that. Maybe she'll never call again, either.

I can't fathom telling your family what I told them and getting zero compassion. Seriously...

If I had cancer, I wonder if their reactions would have been different? I don't even think so.

[TishaBuv]

I think you are seeing it very accurately. I have been push/pull with h. My mother has been horrible and the surrounding family has been not peace-making.

[TishaBuv]

My h actually called my mother and told her how upset I was and begged her to apologize, and she unleashed the fire-breathing dragon on him! Called HIM a mercinery little b**ch, too! And even went right for the jugular about something concerning his parents that she distorted to make him look bad to hurt him with.

He hung up the phone and said "we're done with her".

This is after he was such a good son in law to her and gave her a lot of money.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I told her that her patronizing was obnoxious. That's that. Maybe she'll never call again, either.

I can't fathom telling your family what I told them and getting zero compassion. Seriously...

If I had cancer, I wonder if their reactions would have been different? I don't even think so.

Maybe your sister is just convinced she is right when she is wrong plus wasn't feeling empathetic. Does she have days where she is more caring? I am not an equally caring person each and every day. I have "off" days in regards to listening sincerely to people's problems. Again, I am not trying to change your mind about your feelings about your sister. Just wanting you to think back to the sum total of how most of your conversations go.....

[TishaBuv]

She has zero empathy, always. She always goes on rants 'teaching' me things I usually already know. She is not always wrong, just this time. I didn't even argue with her, telling her she was wrong. Only said her patronizing was obnoxious. That's the first negative thing I ever said to her. This is the sister I DO get along with!

[TishaBuv]

Mom emailed saying "I hope you get better. Miss you."

I called her. She's 'dying' (is she really?)

I said "I want to get to the bottom of what happened here."

Her story changed, yet again. She is gaslighting me.

I reminded her how her story can't be accurate "remember the scene where you called me a mercinery B?"

I said I wish I could understand what happened, and why this whole family is not being helpful. She said because they all know I am wrong.

So I took the prescription pill and a third cup of coffee. I'm not strong enough for this.

[TishaBuv]

Now I sent an email to the whole immediate family asking them to be involved figuring out what happened and making peace and how this has severed my family from the rest of the family. I said Mom and I are both very sick and I don't want this to upset the both of us anymore.

I wonder if she has dementia or if she's just nasty. (I didn't say that in the note) Honestly. I told them if they tell me to drop it, just don't talk to me again.

[Patagonia]

Maybe I don't belong in this post, but wanted to comment & you can ignore if you wanto.
You talked about trying to control your sexuality & asking for change from husband. I can understand this. I've asked my husband to change & for some reason, embarrassment or religion, idk, he won't change. So I've found change outside my marriage. Not a great idea, which has caused me more internal suffering. But I've realized & some would call it a mid life crisis, I don't, that I need more.
I've conformed to my husband & his life for over 20 yrs. he's molded me into what he needs to be happy. I've obliged. But now the anger & resentment is overwhelming.
I've always thought that my depression, ptsd & other disorders were chemical based, but I've started to realize that much is situational bec I've been too scared to live or ask for what I want. It's not acceptable.
A few yrs ago when I went in for my 22nd round of ECT, before it started my psychiatrist told me that none of this would work if I didn't work on my anger. That was the last time I did ECT. No drugs or procedures will help my anger.
So now I must decide what I want from my life. To be free to live it the way I want & find out who I truly am or live it for my family & conform to them & society.
Am I worth the change? Is it worth all the pain it will cause?
Idk. I really have no idea so I flounder & watch my life drift by.

Are the connections we have in our lives fortifying us or suffocating us......
I truly hope you find some answers. If you do send them my way too.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Now I sent an email to the whole immediate family asking them to be involved figuring out what happened and making peace and how this has severed my family from the rest of the family. I said Mom and I are both very sick and I don't want this to upset the both of us anymore.

I wonder if she has dementia or if she's just nasty. (I didn't say that in the note) Honestly. I told them if they tell me to drop it, just don't talk to me again.

I hope that expressing yourself in that email helps you. Maybe let your H continue to run interference between you and your mom (ie continue to stay away from her longer)? You are still healing. You have been the one that lives closest to your mom and has bore the brunt of her verbal abuse. It is good that one of your sisters stepped in to help her financially. You and your H have already helped at great cost. Sit back and let others take care of it. Rather than take the drug for your anger, arrange your life so that you do not talk to anyone that upsets you for a while (though this is impossible in regards to your H, it IS possible in regards to everyone else you talk to). Please tell me if I ever say anything that triggers you as I do not want to contribute to your stress. I give way to much advise given all the foolish things I have done in my life.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

I hope that expressing yourself in that email helps you. Maybe let your H continue to run interference between you and your mom (ie continue to stay away from her longer)? You are still healing. You have been the one that lives closest to your mom and has bore the brunt of her verbal abuse. It is good that one of your sisters stepped in to help her financially. You and your H have already helped at great cost. Sit back and let others take care of it. Rather than take the drug for your anger, arrange your life so that you do not talk to anyone that upsets you for a while (though this is impossible in regards to your H, it IS possible in regards to everyone else you talk to). Please tell me if I ever say anything that triggers you as I do not want to contribute to your stress. I give way to much advise given all the foolish things I have done in my life.

Nobody stepped up with money except my aunt must have given a little more. My sisters don't have money. One said she would cash in her retirement the other's husband got an inheritance from his father, but now just lost his job. Neither of them have a job.

The family is legitimately reeling financially. My h makes good money. I, personally, don't because I am always too depressed to really work. Although, I could make good money, if I did put my efforts to it. Then again, so could the rest of my family. They just don't.

So there's an element that they resent us. I think that is really what this all is about.

I feel like Cinderella, after she marries the prince. He drives her crazy, and her wicked step-mother and sisters demand that she gives them and gives them, and they still treat her like shyt!

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Now I sent an email to the whole immediate family asking them to be involved figuring out what happened and making peace and how this has severed my family from the rest of the family. I said Mom and I are both very sick and I don't want this to upset the both of us anymore.

I wonder if she has dementia or if she's just nasty. (I didn't say that in the note) Honestly. I told them if they tell me to drop it, just don't talk to me again.

This went horribly. Bad idea. The one sister I have never fought with, sent me a scathing email. I'm just stepping away from all of them now.

[RainyDay107]

We can only change ourselves. Once I accepted my mom was abusive and wouldn't change, I was sad but a burden was lifted. Ditto for my ex-husband but paperwork was required.

[Unrigged64072835]

I've had to walk away from my family for a long time, until just before my mother died. I couldn't get involved with the drama anymore. I had enough on my own. It was really bad every time I stopped in from being in the military. I gave that up.