[subtle lights]

Since about I started therapy it's like my internal monsters started to wake up again...I am sabotaging myself, like my goal is to get worse, not better.
There is this need to go so deep down that people will realise how horrible I feel inside. But then I freak out and just want to make it seem that I'm okay.
I feel like I'm losing it...

[Pastel Kitten]

I switch between making myself get worse and get better.

I went for months without SI and suddenly started again, along with my drinking and other bad habits.

I told my therapist last session that I don't know if I want to be happy, but then just today while I was crying I told someone that all I wanted is happiness.

I think that's the back and forthness of BPD...and it sucks You aren't alone.

[shezbut]

I think that this pendulum swinging is normal for all people ~ BUT, ours goes a bit faster and a lot harder than most.

I've been working hard in therapy for years ~ and have made some great strides! Yet, it sure feels like a BIG part of me is still a real mess. And that's when I want to give in to the dark side...enjoying just a tiny bit of my time. *sigh*

[subtle lights]

I need to be self-destructive so my therapist can see that I'm not okay. I even told him that I feel that he is always saying things like, "this is normal", like he is not acknowledging that I'm not okay. i know he wants to normalise stuff for me so I could view everything in a less dramatic way, and accept things as they are, but still.
I haven't told him too much about the correlation between the self-destructive urges and my need for him to care. It's kind of embarrassing, but I feel that way. That I want desperately for him to care. Maybe I should tell him, I don't know.

[shezbut]

I have a deep attachment with a few of my doctors, so I think that I have a slight understanding of what you're talking about.

I had told my boyfriend that I dreamed of getting married (but that was a small part of the dream) ~ the main part of it was that my therapist was walking me down the aisle, like he was my father. The dream was very strong & stayed in my memory. The reason I tell you this is because my boyfriend told my therapist about this dream that I'd had... I was SO embarrassed! More than anything, however, I was terrified that if my therapist knew how attached I feel to him, that it would freak him out or something.

Thankfully, that hasn't happened. He sort of looked at me, with a surprised look on his face, then nodded and let it go. I'm not sure if I should have talked with my therapist about the feelings ~ but I was embarrassed and happy to let it go (at that time).

Maybe simply talking about those feelings would be a healthy move for you to make. It just might make those dark temptations go away. (((hugs))) to you!

[subtle lights]

Originally Posted by shezbut

I was SO embarrassed! More than anything, however, I was terrified that if my therapist knew how attached I feel to him, that it would freak him out or something.

Thankfully, that hasn't happened. He sort of looked at me, with a surprised look on his face, then nodded and let it go. I'm not sure if I should have talked with my therapist about the feelings ~ but I was embarrassed and happy to let it go (at that time).

Maybe simply talking about those feelings would be a healthy move for you to make. It just might make those dark temptations go away. (((hugs))) to you!

This sounds inspiring and I can imagine it must have been difficult to talk about that.
I am somehow afraid that if I tell him there will be this huge disappointment after, that he will be confirming to me the boundaries between us and I'll feel very alone, and disappointed, and will have to abandon my need for him to care.
He is very good at keeping boundaries, and I'm probably somehow trying to break them down. I know I shouldn't but it's hard, I need the closeness. It's like I need it to be able to trust him.

Subtle,
I have BPD and have been in therapy many years. I, too, have had the feeling that no one knows how much pain I am in and it is scary. I keep thinking that if the way I felt inside emotionally was transferred to being something physical that was easily observable, that I would be put in the hospital. I think this comes from not having our emotions validated when we were young.
I notice that you talk about your T telling you "this is normal", like he is not acknowledging that you're not okay. It is very important that T's validate how we are feeling vs. trying to normalize it. You talk about trying to view things in a less dramatic way, but I would have you view it exactly as it feels to you. Tell yourself, that this is massively painful and then be compassionate with yourself. You say you want to accept things as they are, which starts with accepting yourself as you are, accepting how you view things as being true for you. Your knowledge of your self-destructive urges being correlated do your self-destruction urges is quite astute. Tell your T this. Instead of self-destructive acts, tell your T that you really need him to hear you and to care about you. Try to talk about it if you can. Let us know how it goes! For quite awhile, I had a t who had no clue how to deal with me and it made me worse. Now, I have a T who gets me, and I am increasingly starting to get myself. Best of luck to you.

[Ms.Lizette]

Originally Posted by subtle lights

Since about I started therapy it's like my internal monsters started to wake up again...I am sabotaging myself, like my goal is to get worse, not better.
There is this need to go so deep down that people will realise how horrible I feel inside. But then I freak out and just want to make it seem that I'm okay.
I feel like I'm losing it...

I completely understand you...I get into the same thing very often. I feel so much better when I'm being taken care of, this has been a dream since I was very young, and I always felt ashamed of feeling this need.

I have no good answer to you because I haven't resolved it myself...but I think it's probably hard to just "solve it" in one go because it's kind of the core of BPD...... I think you shouldn't be hard on yourself or try to stop feeling this way, but instead try to be open about the feeling with your therapist. He should be able to use that feeling in therapy in a constructive way.

The good news is that people who have got better from BPD say they are now able to provide this care they need in other ways, so it is possible...I just don't know how