[elevatedsoul]

i just need someone to talk to...

i awoke having more nightmares and dreams of childhood stuff...

almost immediately having an epiphany; i realized something my therapist tried to tell me repeatedly... that i dont know my own emotional needs...
i put everyone elses needs before my own and ignore my own needs...
i dont recognize my own needs...
i abuse myself... and when needs of my own pop up i condemn them and get angry for having needs...
i get angry at myself for not being able to fix other people or help other people fix themselves...

its not my place to help them solve their problems... i cant fix them... i cant solve their problems...
i need to learn to listen to my needs... i need to help myself... i need to stop the abuse cycle...
i just dont know how... i dont know how to help myself...
im trying so hard and yet i fail everywhere... how could it be so hard to hear your own needs... how could it be so hard to know your own emotional requirements... ive locked myself away from myself for so long i dont even know myself...

im emotionally broken... i throw everything away just to try to make everyone else feel right and good trying to make myself feel better because i thought thats how i needed to survive as a child... but im an adult now and its ****ing me up and i need to tell everyone to **** off and treat myself like a human being and take care of my own needs so that i can feel good instead of abusing myself for the sake of others own selfish desires...

but its all coming out wrong... im sick.. im in trouble... i need help...

no one understands, i cant talk to anyone about my problems...

im trying to get in touch with my case manager so i can talk to her about things... talk about going to a treatment hospital... not a stabilization unit... because i dont need stabilization.. i need help, a lot of help...

i just dont know what kind of place that is...

and when i get out i want to go away i think..
i dont really want to go away... but i think i need to go away...
i cant help anyone here... i need to run away and help myself...

but i have no work abilities... work history... no disability... no income...
no friends anywhere... no where to go...

i dont want to go to any family... i want to go far away from everyone...

just dont know how to do it..