[subtle lights]

I'm afraid...and I don't know exactly why. I was so happy a few hours ago. Then all these thoughts came. Everything just collapsed. The aloneness feels like it will last forever. It's like all the pain comes up to the surface. Maybe it wants to be resolved. But I have no energy.
All these fears are coming up now...but I don't want to deal with them. I can't.
I just want to let this all go. To end.
I'm alone, I've always have been. Maybe this is how it should be?
Aaargh. I'm oscilating between pain and anger.
I see people expressing their emotions freely and powerfully IRL and I'm angry.
Why was I not allowed??????

Too late now, I became me based on that.
Maybe my fault? Maybe I haven't tried enough? Maybe I was just genetically predisposed to suppress? But it's hard for me to believe that, I don't know.

[subtle lights]

I don't uderstand, a year ago I was okay being alone for days, couldn't wait to just meditate, do self-loving stuff, etc. Still, with breakdowns but I looked at those as breakthoughs, opening up, facing issues.
Now it's this hopeless aloneness. It feel like it will never end
I just want someone to care...
They say they do but it's not enough

Possible trigger:

I have very sudden and intense suicidal thoughts, they go away and come back

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((( subtle lights ))))))))