[subtle lights]

My T did say he cares, and other stuff, but I just can't feel it. I remember at the beginning when in a session I was very down he seemed to be genuinly worried, and was talking to me on a very warm, genle voice and telling me that I can contact him by email when I'm in crisis. I want that back. How can I have that back?

Now since he's decided that I have BPD he seems colder. I don't know if it's just my impression or it's related.
I'm usually in this defence mode there, though now I'm starting to slowly open up. Maybe I am blocking him from getting closer?

But I NEED to feel that warmth, that caring, that gentle voice. I need that support now, I need to become a chid sometimes, and him to care. I don't care if it's good or bad, I need it SO MUCH!!!

Honestly sometimes I want to hurt myself just to see him worried and see he cares.
I'm so sad now and alone

[Ms.Lizette]

Originally Posted by subtle lights

My T did say he cares, and other stuff, but I just can't feel it. I remember at the beginning when in a session I was very down he seemed to be genuinly worried, and was talking to me on a very warm, genle voice and telling me that I can contact him by email when I'm in crisis. I want that back. How can I have that back?

Now since he's decided that I have BPD he seems colder. I don't know if it's just my impression or it's related.
I'm usually in this defence mode there, though now I'm starting to slowly open up. Maybe I am blocking him from getting closer?

But I NEED to feel that warmth, that caring, that gentle voice. I need that support now, I need to become a chid sometimes, and him to care. I don't care if it's good or bad, I need it SO MUCH!!!

Honestly sometimes I want to hurt myself just to see him worried and see he cares.
I'm so sad now and alone

I think many therapists lower their guard a bit when they think we are more safe. This is of course wrong, because when we try to feel better and trust, that is when we are the most vulnerable and we need the help the most.

I have experienced this feeling before in my life, of therapist not caring the same way all of the sudden , and it can often drive one into getting worse, so I think it is good to talk about it....

The day we feel better for real we will feel really better and not feel like we need to harm ourselves to be taken care of, this proves you are not doing well and he needs to give some extra care. I think it is good to talk about it with your T. I know it is hard, but the truth is, you need him now.

Can you email him? I am not allowed to do that (I have to call the emergency or a crisis line), but if you are allowed to mail him maybe it is a good idea?

[subtle lights]

Originally Posted by Ms.Lizette

I think many therapists lower their guard a bit when they think we are more safe. This is of course wrong, because when we try to feel better and trust, that is when we are the most vulnerable and we need the help the most.

I have experienced this feeling before in my life, of therapist not caring the same way all of the sudden , and it can often drive one into getting worse, so I think it is good to talk about it....

The day we feel better for real we will feel really better and not feel like we need to harm ourselves to be taken care of, this proves you are not doing well and he needs to give some extra care. I think it is good to talk about it with your T. I know it is hard, but the truth is, you need him now.

Can you email him? I am not allowed to do that (I have to call the emergency or a crisis line), but if you are allowed to mail him maybe it is a good idea?

I actually have these strong feelings after my session with him usually, which was today, so now I have to wait a week and until then I'll go through various emotional states. It's hard to remember when I'm in another emotional state...
I can only email him "in crisis", and I have done it a couple if times but he never brings up anything from emails. Only what I say in session. But up until now I've been in fight or flight mode 90% of the sessions.
We've touched slightly on the topic of me needing more closeness today, I felt like he is suggesting that I am the one blocking it, but at least I've opened up a bit.

Still, the need for him to be more gentle and warm is still there. I hope I'll be able to tell him so he'll understand. I'm afaid to be so direct about this but maybe this is the way?
I don't know if I should tell him about the need to hurt myself so that he'll be more caring.
I am so afraid that he will never be the way I need him to and I'll spend all my sessions hoping he will.
I wish I could email him