Outwardly crazy vs in my head crazy

Sorry for the formulation, hope I don't offend anyone.

I was out shortly with a friend and she told me about a friend/ aquaintance of hers who has done some crazy things related to a guy she liked, because she was jelous of my friend and someone else. They were angry for the things she had done or said, but my friend said that the girl has "some psychological issues".

And this made me angry and idk if anyone will understand this. It made me angry because I am in a way the same, BUT I don't act out, I am just acting in, I'm just "in my head crazy". I'm suffering as hell, when I'm jelous but don't do stupid things (well I do but mostly against myself or the other person). No one can see, I have this internal censor, which doesn't let me act out.
So yay, people think I am so balanced.But I'm not!!!!
I die inside a million deaths but pretend to be so obedient.
So no one knows, no one helps, I cannot express my pain, and it hurts.
And I envy thos people who can...
sorry

There is a new variant of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) designed to help people who experience strong emotions but suppress them too much and have difficulty with free emotional expression, rather than overemoting. I'm trying to find the name of it so I can give you a link.

I do this too....

I have the same problem. For example I feel extremely angry and sad when I spend time with my boyfriend's family because I feel they freeze me out, but all I do is to just sit there, and maybe even be more nice or apologetic. I feel fake and overwhelmed inside, because I am constantly trying to keep up a correct facade to the outside world, whilst inside I am constantly self destructive and desperate.

I actually talked to my T about this the other day, and he said this way of acting is a type of "coping mode".
I really relate and I think it feeds the bad feelings about oneself because it makes one feel fake.

I don't know what the solution is exactly, I have tried to force myself to be more direct about how I feel and it felt uncomfortable when I did but better afterwards. In the end it is not worth faking I believe.

It is natural that we try to be "nice", since being "nice"makes us feel more accepted and loved, but then it backfires because we know we are not simply "nice", we are hurting and confused and feeling like crap sometimes, so it feels like the world likes someone we are not, they like the image we present, not how we really feel. This hurts.

My advice is to try to be more honest about how you feel. People might react a bit strange first, but most people accept others the way they are in the end....

Hugs

I can't relate because I've always been outwardly turbulent and (had) a really hard time controlling that when my emotions got too intense but I do see how the opposite would feel just as hellish.

I'm sorry you have to go through this and it does suck hearing other people make negative comments about people who struggle with similar things as you, even if it's not said directly about you (and in your case, is not even a thing they realize exists about you).

sometimes i just want to rip my heart out and throw it at people

arrrghhhh

i hate feelings!

I too used to hide my emotions and deal with things in an unhealthy way but over the years my T has encouraged me to be honest and communicate with people. It first started with other people in my DBT group who could obviously understand, this was a huge relief for me. Then I started opening up to my partner who is now my rock of support. Then I opened up to my sister and mum and close friends. Sometimes I'll just say I'm having a bad day and the accept that, other times I will be more open.

I hope that you become able to be honest with yourself and then gradually open up to people. It really does make the world of difference!!

Sorry you're having issues with this too.
I can relate to that kind of situation with your boyfriend's parents, I used to have similar experiences with my ex bf's parents. In my case I felt also angry and out of place all the time, but I could't step out of the "good obedient girl" role.
My T said about being like a different person with different people, that these might be still me, part of who I am. But I don't believe that was me, because if it were, then I wouldn't have felt the opposite inside, the anger and despair. But this is more of a philosphycal question now, which one is me...

Anyway, it's very interesting what your T said about coping styles, it makes much sense to me. And trying to be more expressive, even if it would seem like the solution, feels uncomfortable. Probably because this way of being is already very much imprinted in us and it feels dangerous to act otherwise.

I will be trying though to be more open, because I'm starting to see that this is the only solution. Only that it has happened that then I take it too far. It's like, I never know what is the acceptable limit of acting out. It's something that most people know and practice in a relatively healthy way but I feel like I missed the class where this was taught.

Thank you, this really gives me hope. With some people, like parents it's unimaginable for me to open up, but this is a long story. But it is definitely worth it to do it with others. And yeah, being honest with oneself is hard, when you are confused about what you want. Though probably thisis what actually helps to realise what is that. I'm just reluctant of facing myself for now, but yeah, hopefully in time...

This sentence really expresses how I feel often when I feel incapable of being open, it seems just impossible. Thank you...
And I'm sorry you feel this way too

Thank you for understanding...Yes, it's a bit like, "she can be messed up, because she's got issues, but you, no, you are okay, why so down, you have no reason to be down." And whatever I'd say there is just no understanding of the pain, they might say, "yeah, this is how I feel too" or "this is how everyone feels". And they get up and continue life like nothing happened while I'm in pain and going through inner crises which no one can see.
Actually the people with whom I cannot repress stuff for long and who can see my openly turbulent side are usually the very close ones, like when in a relationship or when living with someone but right now neither is the case. Even when spending more days with someone, travellin together or something, at one point the emotional storm does come out.
So I'm only lashing out at my T, but that also moderately because still don't trust him competely.

oh but please please please!!!

becareful about opening up!!

people are monsters and they dont care about our feelings and that we are 10000 times more sensitive than they are!

trying to be open and honest in a way that we may think could make us feel better and more secure for the day could burn our world to the ground for a month!!

or maybe thats just how it works for me

Yes, I completely relate. The 'in my head crazy' asks myself, What would happen if you just up and kissed your boss while he's giving you an assignment? Real me says Oh hell no! But I have to hold that crazy person inside back.

Yes, I have quite some experience with those people who don't understand it. So I'm extra careful, maybe too much. I refuse to believe people are monsters tho...otherwise I couldn't survive

i dont trust anyone

im so alone

I can't stand it when people tell me "yeah, everyone else feels that way too." It's pretty invalidating. I definitely do not outwardly express myself nearly as much as I used to for that reason.

I don't want to be overly outwardly turbulent anymore but I also don't want to be too closed off. People make it pretty easy to want to withdraw, afterwhile. Too much misunderstanding. Too much undermining.

Honestly if they were to step inside our minds for even a split second they'd see that the level of pain that people like us feel isn't exactly "what everyone else feels" or mental health care would be completely free globally because EVERYONE would need it.

I'm glad that you have your therapist as an outlet.

I'm a lot less emotionally turbulent, but my life is now structured in a way where I'm less involved with people. Even when I go out I'm pretty much ignored except with salespeople or wait staff. I'm usually with my husband so it helps.

If I got thrown back into society again I don't know what will happen.