[Ms.Lizette]

After a very difficult session the other week I couldn't cope with therapy anymore. I have been feeling too affected by it, too many feelings and I can't even explain any of them.

Maybe this is why I ended up drinking 2-3 vodka shots before my last two sessions. Just enough to make me space out a bit without him noticing (I make sure to chew gum and put on perfume etc, I am almost 100 % sure he has not noticed). It has helped me to cope with the therapy, but I know it is wrong.

It feels weird to drink vodka at 11am before my therapy but I find it impossible to break this little new habit and go to therapy as before.

I am worried he will get disappointed or think I have an abuse problem if I tell him I don't have an alcohol problem, at least I don't think so, but I do drink to cope with strong emotions.

Don't know what to do

[Ms.Lizette]

I am a complete failure, I don't deserve therapy

[RubyRae]

Hi there.I am not borderline but I have been in your shoes before except I wasn't brave enough to actually drink before sessions because I was afraid my T would smell it and judge me.I did go in high though and at times drank cough medicine with codeine in it or took other medications in order to deal with the way I felt.

I did finally tell my T about it though and instead of judging me we worked on ways to cope with strong emotions.By telling him and talking about it he was able to understand how hard therapy was for me,how much I was hurting and struggling and was able to help me.

You DO deserve therapy,and I think maybe you should talk to your T about it so he can help you.Chances are he probably already knows anyway,perfume,gum,etc doesn't really cover the smell of alcohol,I have learned that from experience.

[Ms.Lizette]

Originally Posted by RubyRae

Chances are he probably already knows anyway,perfume,gum,etc doesn't really cover the smell of alcohol,I have learned that from experience.

I feel really really bad about him knowing about it feel so ashamed

[elevatedsoul]

i told my T i got high before coming in once, she just looked at me and didnt say anything about it

i was like it was either get high or not come in... which would you had prefered...

[RubyRae]

Originally Posted by Ms.Lizette

I feel really really bad about him knowing about it feel so ashamed

Yeah,I understand that,but really,I highly doubt he will think badly of you for it.I'm sure you're not the first one to have done that.

[subtle lights]

I would tell him so he could understand more of the context, and how overwhelmed you are. I understand though your reluctance and fear, but based on what you've been sharing here about your T, he seems to me the kind of T that would be very understanding. Maybe are, I don't know.

[just2b]

I drank vodka before a session about three times before. It was because of the same reason. I haven't recently, and she never noticed. Even had brought it in to a session once. It was mixed with Gatorade.

[Ms.Lizette]

Originally Posted by just2b

I drank vodka before a session about three times before. It was because of the same reason. I haven't recently, and she never noticed. Even had brought it in to a session once. It was mixed with Gatorade.

Did it work for you? The worst part for me is that it really worked....so I am temped to drink sometimes before sessions now. When I am "normal me" I can't even connect with my emotions in therapy, instead I act normal, whilst I feel so bad and crazy inside. It is so frustrating that all the bad stuff has to come when I am OUT of therapy

I think I have almost decided to tell him though, but still pondering on it.

[elevatedsoul]

.................
dont listen to me.... sorry..........

[subtle lights]

Originally Posted by Ms.Lizette

Did it work for you? The worst part for me is that it really worked....so I am temped to drink sometimes before sessions now. When I am "normal me" I can't even connect with my emotions in therapy, instead I act normal, whilst I feel so bad and crazy inside. It is so frustrating that all the bad stuff has to come when I am OUT of therapy

I think I have almost decided to tell him though, but still pondering on it.

I can relate to this 100% ....I'm sorry you are going through it too, I know it sucks.
I've been tempted to take something like Xanax before T but that just shuts down my brain and when I'm overwhelmed it's like sugar pills.

[HD7970GHZ]

Hi Ms Lizette,

Do you trust your Therapist?

It is okay to feel guilt and shame, but you must befriend your emotions and listen to them, otherwise you'll be ignoring important signals that your body is telling you. Clearly your body is telling you something... I genuinely think you know what to do. You say you know drinking before the session isn't good... IF you truly feel this way, then you should try your best not to drink before a therapy session.

Simple as that. You don't even need to tell your therapist if you don't want to. Be your own therapist; do what you know is right.

Having intense emotions and reactions in therapy is okay. If you have a trustworthy and competent therapist - I believe you are safe to show that side of yourself that you may feel guilty or shameful about; including having a few drinks. IF your therapist judges you for having a drink before a session and claims that you are an alcoholic - he is an incompetent therapist.

I think if anything he would recognize how hard it is to share with him. He may even respect you for desiring a change. There is nothing wrong with that.

My advice: I would tell him. But if you do tell him, tell him why you were reluctant to tell him so that there is no further miscommunication.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

[HD7970GHZ]

Originally Posted by Ms.Lizette

When I am "normal me" I can't even connect with my emotions in therapy, instead I act normal, whilst I feel so bad and crazy inside. It is so frustrating that all the bad stuff has to come when I am OUT of therapy

Hi Ms.Lizette,

I just seen this. I want you to know that you are not alone in feeling this way.

How long have you been seeing your therapist? Do you trust him?

Reason I ask is that I relate to what you are saying. For myself, I often feel this way until I have managed to build enough trust to become, "vulnerable." Becoming vulnerable in therapy is where you ultimately want to end up if you are looking for the most effective treatment possible. Make sure you trust the therapist before you do this... As soon as you get to that place, you will no longer feel like you are unable to talk about the things you want to talk about... Instead you won't have enough time to talk about all those things. You will be real. Less guarded, genuine, etc. It will all come out when you are ready. This is where intense attachments come into play. Those in the professional setting often refer to this as, "flood gates opening." You are so guarded in the real world, unable to connect with your emotions because in normal situations and relationships you cannot be vulnerable. Therapy is a unique environment that allows us to be 100% vulnerable. That is what you need.

You can start by telling your therapist that you had a few drinks before a session. That is a risk you are willing to take towards vulnerability and it is genuine. It is real. Competent therapists WANT to hear that stuff.

I assume you've had other therapists, in which case I apologize if I am repeating what you already know, but I hope this allows you to feel more understood.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz