[Pastel Kitten]

This has to be the worst symptom for me, when it comes to BPD.

It has caused me incredible amounts of pain and anxiety.

I've been doing well with mindfulness, which is great and all, but I really need to focus on lessening my abandonment fears.

My boyfriend is getting a job soon and I won't let myself succumb to the same hell that I went through with my ex, when he worked.

I had panic attacks nearly every day and believed he was dead or would never come home again.

His new job (if he gets this one) will make him have to take international business trips sometimes, and I need to be prepared for that.

This is gonna be one tough monster to beat...

[elevatedsoul]

i've always been alone...

besides the single long distance relationship that i had that lasted for ... 4..? 7 years..?
it was absolute hell... abandonment fears to the max? long distance? yeah...

guess what, i guess it did end in me being abandoned... so my fears weren't false...

:
edit---

i have a question though... its off topic...

how does a decent looking guy go for ever being single and alone?
what the hell is up with this? do i just put off a bad vibe that scares off girls?
do i just intimidate them because i look like this?

[Ms.Lizette]

Originally Posted by Pastel Kitten

This has to be the worst symptom for me, when it comes to BPD.

It has caused me incredible amounts of pain and anxiety.

I've been doing well with mindfulness, which is great and all, but I really need to focus on lessening my abandonment fears.

My boyfriend is getting a job soon and I won't let myself succumb to the same hell that I went through with my ex, when he worked.

I had panic attacks nearly every day and believed he was dead or would never come home again.

His new job (if he gets this one) will make him have to take international business trips sometimes, and I need to be prepared for that.

This is gonna be one tough monster to beat...

I can relate 100%. Last year was the worst year of my life and it was due to the exact same situation. My BF had gotten a new job and I was at home alone a lot, in HELL.

I feared something might happen to him or I simply felt abandoned, worrying he would love his job more than me, worrying he would like his colleagues more than me, or worrying about his female colleagues. I felt like ****
My self esteem hit rock bottom in this situation, and all I did was barely survive the days, with excessive daily alcohol intake and self harm as coping mechanisms.

We have now moved to a new country and both looking for jobs, and he has much more chances than me getting one, so I believe he will be the one working first and me the one having to take being home alone , again


I hope I will be able to cope better than last time. It was a horrible HORRIBLE time. Pure hell, the abandonment fears were torturing me so much and it hurt so badly. Words can't express how bad I felt

So I can really relate. Hugs and love your way, you are not alone

[Pastel Kitten]

I'm really sorry to hear that you've experienced a similar hell. It REALLY IS hell.

You definitely can cope. I believe in you.

I have slowly started to find my inner peace, and take control over my emotions instead of vice versa.

It is NOT easy in the slightest, but it can be done. Don't give up.

I won't give up and let this thing inside me try to destroy me again.

[subtle lights]

My abandonment issues are somewhat different, also somewhat similar. It's usually more about friends, I get freaked out when they are getting close to other people because I'm afraid they'll like them more and leave me (and I had a lot of experiences like this). It's a horrible feeling hard to explain. I get convinced that they will like the other person better and that I'm worse then them. I haven't found a solution for it yet.
In a relationship usually manifests through jelousy and needing to be extra sure that the person will not leave me, otherwise I never feel safe.
It worked in my very long term ex-relationship..but it backfired at the end, and I left and I still don't understand it completely. He was there all the time almost and we became like one person...melting into him...but that's not healthy.
So I'm still searching for healthier ways but not sure I can do it.

[Pastel Kitten]

Originally Posted by subtle lights

My abandonment issues are somewhat different, also somewhat similar. It's usually more about friends, I get freaked out when they are getting close to other people because I'm afraid they'll like them more and leave me (and I had a lot of experiences like this). It's a horrible feeling hard to explain. I get convinced that they will like the other person better and that I'm worse then them. I haven't found a solution for it yet.
In a relationship usually manifests through jelousy and needing to be extra sure that the person will not leave me, otherwise I never feel safe.
It worked in my very long term ex-relationship..but it backfired at the end, and I left and I still don't understand it completely. He was there all the time almost and we became like one person...melting into him...but that's not healthy.
So I'm still searching for healthier ways but not sure I can do it.

I understand that type of abandonment fear too. I started experiencing that when I was really young and could never identify what it actually was.

I get so jealous and pick up on every little "cue" or "sign" that the other person is "withdrawing" from me and slowly gravitating towards other people.

So I really do get that, it just doesn't cause me to have panic attacks because I do not get the deadly attachment to friends as I do with my romantic partners.

I've always had a shaky sense of self, so I start to practically make my partner my identity - so if something were to happen to them, what would come of me?

I'm very co-dependent and trying to break free of this but it's SO hard.

I don't want to be a slave to my fears anymore.

Thank god my psychiatrist last year was able to identify the source of this fear for me because I had no idea what BPD was or that a person could even become so insanely attached until I was caught up in this hell.

[HD7970GHZ]

Hello all,

This is such a core issue...

The funny thing is, no matter how aware or mindful we are of these abandonment triggers, it still hits us hard. It is as if that longing to connect and to be filled with another human's intimate love and attachment overrides our ability to make wise-mind decisions and thus, we lose the ability to stop ourselves from becoming "too attached." Perhaps in time and with practice, we can become aware and recognize the precise point in time when we step past the, "point of no return," and can then make a decision to set boundaries for ourselves in order to limit the impact this attachment can have on our-selves and others. Then again, perhaps we want to attach so that life feels real.

The pain is worth it... Some will say. But is it?

Attachment to us is like a drug; (arguably) it meets all our unmet needs from childhood and in life; makes sense that we would grasp onto whatever gives us that satisfaction... How can we possibly blame ourselves for this? It is logical given our life circumstances.

If only there was a single human being that could fulfill all our needs… (Perhaps this is why so many humans turn to a higher power, like Jesus...)

I have had many therapeutic relationships, good and bad..... (Long story) Despite the fact that I have been through it time and time again (the attachment, abandonment, etc), there is still that same old intense attachment and abandonment that arises. Despite my awareness, the point of no return comes too quickly and my ability to walk away or set boundaries goes out the window because that yearning to have 100% connection takes over me. It is like being effected by whatever “that thing” is in life that gives it purpose. It is something elusive and addicting despite the pleasure and pain that is associated with it...

I don't think mere awareness and mindfulness is enough to tackle this core abandonment issue. For one: all humans (even those without BPD tendencies) will experience that longing to connect and be made whole. Perhaps that is why no one enjoys being alone. We are social beings designed to be amongst one another in communities with support and understanding.

Perhaps we are too hard on ourselves. There is a reason we feel this intensely about these particular matters - anyone who is capable of empathizing will agree with this. We need to remind ourselves that the intense longing and attachment that manifest themselves in the form of a single human being is a mirage. Attachment is good and healthy, but we need to meet a lot of our own needs first in order to have healthy attachments. It is a balancing act, especially for those of us who are prone to intense attachments.

I believe the trick is to take things slow, set boundaries, don't place all eggs in one basket, have multiple sources of internal stability that is outside the control of others. Building foundations within yourself is of utmost importance. It is extremely hard but it can be done.

Anyway, I’m rambling. Sorry for tangent, not really related but hope it plants seeds in heads.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

[Pastel Kitten]

You're very right when you say that it's of utmost importance that we build foundations within ourselves and meet our own needs without solely relying on others.

I in particular have a huge issue with over-attachment because I don't have any friends in real life, due to how many years I was a shut-in after high school and the fact I've moved twice, across the country.

This leaves me with only my boyfriend to depend on for real, physical support, and that's very unhealthy of course. I'd love to change this but sadly it's not doable from my current position (very complicated).

I still have it as a goal for the future. In the meantime I'm working as hard as possible to find my inner peace and foundation because I don't want to feel like a helpless child.

I want to be able to soothe my broken inner child who did not get the guidance and support she needed earlier in life.

At the end of the day I know that no matter what, I won't give up on myself no matter who comes and goes from my life. That in itself gives me some comfort and certainty in an uncertain world.

[Ms.Lizette]

Originally Posted by Pastel Kitten

Thank god my psychiatrist last year was able to identify the source of this fear for me because I had no idea what BPD was or that a person could even become so insanely attached until I was caught up in this hell.

Similar here, I was diagnosed with BPD some months ago. Until then and for years I just thought I was wrong and that I had to change this with my willpower. I have realised now that it was stronger that I thought and that the solution is more complicated than I thought.

I also want to believe I can overcome many of the symptoms of BPD though, like abandonment fears and extreme attachment. I just can't see exactly how atm. I can see how BPD could destroy my life if I don't fight against it. I am so tired but I have to fight against it, at least to minimize some symptoms.

It is like when I am with someone who is important to me I can't accept that person is someone else. It sounds wrong to me logically, but that is how I feel, simply put. I feel the person and I are one and any hint of that person detaching hurts extremely much and feels very unsafe.

[Ms.Lizette]

Originally Posted by Pastel Kitten

Y

I want to be able to soothe my broken inner child who did not get the guidance and support she needed earlier in life.

At the end of the day I know that no matter what, I won't give up on myself no matter who comes and goes from my life. That in itself gives me some comfort and certainty in an uncertain world.

How did you manage to decide you won't give up on yourself? I mean, was it something you worked towards in therapy? I need all the tips I can get about it, I want to achieve a similar feeling so that I can be a bit more safe from myself.

[Ms.Lizette]

Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ

Hello all,

Perhaps we are too hard on ourselves. There is a reason we feel this intensely about these particular matters - anyone who is capable of empathizing will agree with this. We need to remind ourselves that the intense longing and attachment that manifest themselves in the form of a single human being is a mirage. Attachment is good and healthy, but we need to meet a lot of our own needs first in order to have healthy attachments. It is a balancing act, especially for those of us who are prone to intense attachments.

Interesting. I mean, it could in theory be that the painful experience of attaching too strongly in fact mostly hurts us because of how we experience it and how we judge ourselves in the process. Of course, others will notice our behavior from outside, but maybe what hurts and torment us the most is in fact the awareness of the whole situation.

Example:
1.if I go into a new relationship with a friend or boyfriend, I start by not attaching too much because I want to stop myself in the beginning before it goes too fast (pain and frustration).
2.Then I realize I like this person way too much to not attach to him/her, so I can't help it and I give in a bit more (pain and frustration and maybe anger with myself again).
3.So the relationship continues and I start showing signs of exaggerated attachment and thus I start feeling the intense fear of abandonment. I start being careful to not push the person away yet I feel I can't help it because I am so afraid of losing something I now have made myself need so much (more anger with myself + thoughts of leaving the relationship myself to save myself from the foreboding pain when I potentially **** it all up).

In this example, the situation was experienced as painful already from the start form me, whilst for the other person maybe it was merely some moment or moments of some weird/impulsive/difficult behavior.

the point is, I think regardless of if we have been in therapy or not, part of our suffering comes from our awareness of not acting according to how we see or think others would act. In this sense I agree we are too hard on ourselves, and that it is necessary to accept that we have a strong need for connection. Denying it and fighting it only adds to the pain we already get through our behavior.

I am not advocating just going with the behavior and not questioning it at all, but excessive questioning without compassion isn't going to lead anywhere but inner torment.

[Pastel Kitten]

Originally Posted by Ms.Lizette

How did you manage to decide you won't give up on yourself? I mean, was it something you worked towards in therapy? I need all the tips I can get about it, I want to achieve a similar feeling so that I can be a bit more safe from myself.

First, I can't even begin to tell you how much I relate to what you wrote in your previous post about feeling you and your partner are one and that any sign of detachment hurts immensely and feels unsafe.

That is me in a nutshell! It's awfully hard but I know I'm slowly overcoming that thought process. It's so hard when you have an unstable sense of self.

As for me deciding not to give up on myself, honestly I was driven to the brink of insanity before finally putting an end to my self destructive behaviors (self harm, drinking, insulting myself etc).

It might sound silly, but I had a nightmarish experience on a med this past April, and it was probably the best thing that could have happened to me.

It gave me anxiety like none other before. I felt absolutely no sense of safety anymore, and I have always had an anxiety disorder so that is REALLY saying something for me in terms of anxiety.

While I was in this anxious state (and the weeks following it), I was forced to self soothe at all cost and utilize mindfulness wherever possible. If I did not do this for even one moment, I'd have panic attacks.

So I essentially was given brutal training to cope. Now I know I can overcome even the WORST of anxiety, and that it will always pass.

I'm still alive, and I have not gone insane, so I know that I can overcome my abandonment fears as well.

Because of how afraid I became of my mood changing without my control, it put an end to my desire to use mind altering substances like alcohol.

Self-harm in a way is also mind altering like a substance because of the temporary and quick relief, so I no longer give into urges like that anymore either.

I'm not saying I NEVER have these urges anymore, but I know for a FACT I want to remain in control of my mood at all times, and all of these things throw me off balance, chemically.

This has really helped me learn to start taking care of myself emotionally and that has helped me begin trusting myself.

I have a very long ways to go but I know that overtime I won't fear myself anymore. It's one of the worst feelings to be afraid of yourself because unlike another person or environmental factor, you can't run from it.

You have to fight it. NEVER give up, and I promise you that things can and will get better so long as you become your own protector. And remember, you are not alone.

[subtle lights]

This is very inspiring, but also painful because I'm facing my own ineptness and inability to change. I've been there, nurturing myself, taking care of myself, but it seems I was unable to do it right and fell back, way back. In my case I have no attachments almost now because I'm very very alone so no one can abandon me lol. Even like this, I live through this feeling of abandonment all the time, when people reject me or I feel alone and isolated. Then I attract relationships where the other is out of reach, and will hurt me. Which seems to be what I need because I am terrified of comitment/ in the same time all I want is emotional closeness. But I also have this urge to melt into the other person, and that's not the best way, but I need it. Now there is no one and I will probably be alone forever, actually I wanted to be alone at one point and not depend on anyone, now I'm just alone but still powerless.
Being now in a place with no life, no motivation, inability to focus, I don't have any motivation to nurture myself because I know I will be alone anyway and no one wants to see the real me...I know I should be striving and all...but can't..

Anyway sorry for the negative post, I'm really sorry. I don't want to demotivate anyone and I think you guys can really do this, maybe I will to, just in my case it doesn't matter anyway.

[HD7970GHZ]

Hello,

I am really impressed with the dialogue in this thread and I am learning a lot from everyone. I look forward to where this thread goes; it hits at the core.

Looking back, I thought I had finally found internal stability after I had some really intense, really deep and especially nurturing therapy with a Psychiatrist and two Therapists in a month-long, intensive program that included daily classes and group sessions. It really did bring me back to life.

Anyways, after I left this program I felt like I was back on my feet. I felt "ALIVE." I was convinced that I no longer required the admiration from others to feel good about myself, that I had left all that behind me... However, shortly after I left this nurturing environment I fell down hard. Since then I have been reeling into disaster wherever I go. I have tried to recreate that same nurturing environment that fostered so much growth and allowed me to move forward, albeit, for a very short period of time... I could never recreate that internal stability nor could I identify the secret ingredient(s) that allowed for me to feel so alive... I chalked it up to a brilliant team of therapists... Perhaps it was my attitude and willingness to be happy...

After many years of searching and introspection, I feel I have finally discovered what that secret ingredient is...

I believe that the only reason I did so well was because I felt, "loved," by the amazing mental health professionals and group members, combined with the feeling that I had been accepted for WHO I was. It was the, "environment," that allowed me to grow, not the sole dependence on any one single individual.

In recognizing this, I had to accept that I will never be okay being alone; nor should I. I am human, I have needs... I look back and wonder; how many of my therapists were single... In actual fact, only one. (Although she was recently divorced) If they had gone through what I went through... Being alone that long... I would assume they would also meet the criteria of Borderline Personality Disorder. I wonder why there are so many songs written about relationships... Is it because all the artists have Borderline Personality Disorder? Or is it because love and pain and attachment and abandonment are all a part of the human experience? (in varying degrees of severity, no doubt).

If I wanted to get better, I had to accept that I would never be truly happy without the support of others, period. And in all honesty, I hadn't met a single human being who was capable of doing such a thing... We are social creatures, we are designed to be amongst one another! I had to stop blaming myself for the attachments in order to move forward!

It is up to us to build an environment that allows us to grow. We need to build it for ourselves. And we can... We just need to think in baby steps and we need to find multiple sources of support; preferably independent from one another.

This is my opinion, and forgive me if it sounds preachy...

Attachment is a universal component of life. It is as much a part of our journey as is abandonment. There is no running from it. It is merely a part of the human condition and it is hard-wired into us whether we like it or not. The way through this mired, tar-stricken road is not through finding a substitute or ridding the need for attachment; it is through acceptance and learning to cope with our own individual struggles the best we can so that we can ride the roller coaster and allow ourselves to attach just like everyone else needs, wants and desires.

Everyone has traits of Borderline Personality Disorder. Period.

I think part of moving forward with Borderline Personality Disorder starts with accepting and normalizing our intense desires for attachment, thereby preventing secondary and tertiary emotions from blocking our attempts at meeting those attachment needs. (And others have already mentioned this in this very thread). The worst thing we can do is blame and shame ourselves for having needs. I think those of us who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder often live in shame - and shame only leads us to think that having attachment needs is bad, that we are bad for wanting attachments, that we will never have healthy attachments because we get too attached and blah, blah, blah...

Yes, easier said than done. Arguably we have a harder time with these attachment issues than most, however, we can learn to cope.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

[Ms.Lizette]

Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ

Hello,

I am really impressed with the dialogue in this thread and I am learning a lot from everyone. I look forward to where this thread goes; it hits at the core.

Looking back, I thought I had finally found internal stability after I had some really intense, really deep and especially nurturing therapy with a Psychiatrist and two Therapists in a month-long, intensive program that included daily classes and group sessions. It really did bring me back to life.

Anyways, after I left this program I felt like I was back on my feet. I felt "ALIVE." I was convinced that I no longer required the admiration from others to feel good about myself, that I had left all that behind me... However, shortly after I left this nurturing environment I fell down hard. Since then I have been reeling into disaster wherever I go. I have tried to recreate that same nurturing environment that fostered so much growth and allowed me to move forward, albeit, for a very short period of time... I could never recreate that internal stability nor could I identify the secret ingredient(s) that allowed for me to feel so alive... I chalked it up to a brilliant team of therapists... Perhaps it was my attitude and willingness to be happy...

After many years of searching and introspection, I feel I have finally discovered what that secret ingredient is...

I believe that the only reason I did so well was because I felt, "loved," by the amazing mental health professionals and group members, combined with the feeling that I had been accepted for WHO I was. It was the, "environment," that allowed me to grow, not the sole dependence on any one single individual.

What you write makes so much sense to me. I have never really been in a nurturing environment, for me it has been more a question of attaching to a person or a couple of people, only to realize it wasn't stable enough to give me the stability, safety and love I needed. I really believe that a nurturing environment would make a big difference to me and my BPD.

I tend to move a lot, which doesn't help. Moved country several times, or town, always looking for "the place". Now I am hopefully/probably settling down once and for all, and I am realizing I need to create that "place" for myself.

The only problem is that I do very badly in groups. I can't be myself. I pretend to be someone I am not, almost by default. Honestly this forum is the place where I am most myself.

The environment which can nurture and help me would have to accept I have been struggling with mental illness for 16-17 years. It is VERY hard to pretend I am just a normal 30-something year old, but still, that is what I normally try to do when I meet new people. This makes me feel fake.

Feeling fake is probably the most painful isolation experience for me. I can't even do it anymore......that's why the last 2-3 years I have isolated myself from almost everyone.

But lately I think the "real me" has to come out, otherwise I will just get more and more lonely.
The real me is a very nice person actually, but is struggling with mental illness.
The real me is a strange combination between emotionally mature AND emotionally like a small child (this confuses people a lot! and me too!!)
The real me is someone with very little stress tolerance.
The real me is someone who easily gets hurt.
The real me is someone who feels awkward and needs a lot of acceptance.
The real me reacts in weird ways sometimes but still wants to be loved and accepted.

Maybe I will lose some "friends" if I am more honest about how I feel, but anyway these "friends" just make me feel bad- since I have to pretend all the time. They might as well be out of my life.

Anyways, interesting thread.

[subtle lights]

Originally Posted by Ms.Lizette

What you write makes so much sense to me. I have never really been in a nurturing environment, for me it has been more a question of attaching to a person or a couple of people, only to realize it wasn't stable enough to give me the stability, safety and love I needed. I really believe that a nurturing environment would make a big difference to me and my BPD.

I tend to move a lot, which doesn't help. Moved country several times, or town, always looking for "the place". Now I am hopefully/probably settling down once and for all, and I am realizing I need to create that "place" for myself.

The only problem is that I do very badly in groups. I can't be myself. I pretend to be someone I am not, almost by default. Honestly this forum is the place where I am most myself.

The environment which can nurture and help me would have to accept I have been struggling with mental illness for 16-17 years. It is VERY hard to pretend I am just a normal 30-something year old, but still, that is what I normally try to do when I meet new people. This makes me feel fake.

Feeling fake is probably the most painful isolation experience for me. I can't even do it anymore......that's why the last 2-3 years I have isolated myself from almost everyone.

But lately I think the "real me" has to come out, otherwise I will just get more and more lonely.
The real me is a very nice person actually, but is struggling with mental illness.
The real me is a strange combination between emotionally mature AND emotionally like a small child (this confuses people a lot! and me too!!)
The real me is someone with very little stress tolerance.
The real me is someone who easily gets hurt.
The real me is someone who feels awkward and needs a lot of acceptance.
The real me reacts in weird ways sometimes but still wants to be loved and accepted.

Maybe I will lose some "friends" if I am more honest about how I feel, but anyway these "friends" just make me feel bad- since I have to pretend all the time. They might as well be out of my life.

Anyways, interesting thread.

This was so beautiful and inspiring. Thank you.
I do believe the real you deserves to be seen and loved :