I honestly do not believe anyone is real and that I'm stuck in some kind of a lucid dream right this very moment. Sometimes I wonder what will happen when I die, maybe I will wake up in some weird world in a hospital? This belief has killed me inside and don't know how to shake it. It has caused me to plan out my suicide a ZILLION times, about once a week. Suicide planning frightens the hell out of me but at the same time it makes me feel very happy.

I was wondering if there’s anyone out there who has this horrible thing.

I must be the only one here who believes in that. I’m not crazy! Countless times throughout my life I’ve seen sooo many things that can only be explained by a dream or matrix. This doesn’t feel like a computer simulation. It feels like a dream reality. I also have this deep sense that I need to purify myself before dying which is ONLY reason I haven’t ended myself in this dream yet because it takes a long time to purify.

[Diai]

You're not the only one. To be honest, the thought has crossed my mind a lot of times too, and it refuses to go away once it appears. It gives this weird sense of reality, yet is plagued by a lot of things that seem impossible or straight out of a dream... However, I believe there's something in this dream or in this life that I *have* to learn in order to be able to wake up properly, and if I wake up before knowing it there's a risk of ending up in nothingness... Maybe that's why I try to learn whatever is available. I mean, why not make the most out of this dream before waking up? It may just be a desperate attempt not to feel worthless, though. I don't really know

[Ms.Lizette]

Once I had a bad trip on weed (the first time I tried) and I was sure I was dead. Since then I have had this recurring feeling once in a while about being dead already, and it can surely trigger suicidal feelings.

It is impossible to know if the reality we live in is the "real one", it could possibly be there is no real reality, but many, or endless, all equally real. If you die it could happen you go to another reality, but who knows if you remember this one? And when you die in the other reality, maybe you go to another one? It surely can become a nightmare when one starts obsessing with these topics.

I think it is good to create a belief that makes one life here and now, a less painful one. I have decided to believe that whatever happens after death it will be OK, whether it is just death, reincarnation, or just moving to another reality until eternity.

The truth is no matter how much you try, you will never know for sure what is really real. And suicide will not change that. Maybe nothing is real, or maybe everything is real: kind of the same thing.....

I say ground yourself in this reality that you know, and try what it has to offer. You will get somewhere else sooner or later, and then maybe you will know how it really is, or maybe not.

Stay grounded we are all here right now

[elevatedsoul]

i feel that way...

i just dont plan my suicide...

i do have suicidal thoughts sometimes... not wanting to live anymore and stuff...
because its just too much to bare...

but maybe like Ms.Lizette mentioned.. maybe its just because we live in a quantum universe...
an existence of limitless existences... simultaneous possibilities... multiple dimensions...

where things are happening all at once, thousands of times different...

but my brain is so tired i cant go on into this subject right now...

the piece of advice i try to carry with me is that whatever the case may be, obviously its out of my power grasp, out of most humans power grasp if not all...
so i try to just get through the day the best i can, even if that means living in a matrix, just have to try to make it enjoyable...

maybe ill have the answer one day, but until then i have to survive...

just know you're not alone with this feeling

It feels a million times better knowing I'm not all alone! I like all of your ideas especially the idea where death is an awakening to another level of dream, and that eventually leads to another one. This kind of reminds of a tv show call quantum leap where they leap to some reality where they're stuck there until they solve something. When solved they leap to another reality, and then another and another. This also reminds me of the Dalai Lama and Tibetan monks where they talk about hopping from body to body endlessly from lifetime to lifetime.

I'll try to stay grounded but it seems a fact that in a week or so I'll start getting that crazy feeling that pulls me like a blackhole to seeking an end to this life. The curiosity alone of wanting to know what will happen drives me crazy. Planning it out brings such happiness.

[subtle lights]

It's so interesting (and strange and maybe scary) that this thread just popped up for me today.

I've been through some spiritual experiences these last years, I mean I've been really searching for answers and kind of started being pulled into it, I couldn't stop it. And I didn't want to stop it, because I felt there is this strong pull, some kind of calling, I know it sounds crazy.
Since then I went through all kinds of beliefs and belief changes, sometimes almost daily, and felt my mind spiraling into a space which it couldn't comprehend.

This is a long story and it's incredibly difficult to make it clear and understandable, partially because now I'm at a stage where nothing is clear or understandable. Some people have told me that the depession I'm going through now is related to some kind of spiritual awakening, and I don't know because how I see it now, nothing is real, or rather, nothing matters, there is no meaning in anything and if I could I would make this experience stop because it feels like I don't exist anymore and some people say this is what this is. That we really don't exist...

Anyway, this probably souds crazy, but this is something that my mind is going through and the worst thing is that I feel incredibly alone because this somehow means I'll always be alone and all this has been giving me the most powerful suicidal thoughts and urges....
Today I've been feeling this very strongly again and then I saw this thread.

I hope it will make sense to at least someone what I've written here...

[Ms.Lizette]

Originally Posted by subtle lights

It's so interesting (and strange and maybe scary) that this thread just popped up for me today.

I've been through some spiritual experiences these last years, I mean I've been really searching for answers and kind of started being pulled into it, I couldn't stop it. And I didn't want to stop it, because I felt there is this strong pull, some kind of calling, I know it sounds crazy.
Since then I went through all kinds of beliefs and belief changes, sometimes almost daily, and felt my mind spiraling into a space which it couldn't comprehend.

This is a long story and it's incredibly difficult to make it clear and understandable, partially because now I'm at a stage where nothing is clear or understandable. Some people have told me that the depession I'm going through now is related to some kind of spiritual awakening, and I don't know because how I see it now, nothing is real, or rather, nothing matters, there is no meaning in anything and if I could I would make this experience stop because it feels like I don't exist anymore and some people say this is what this is. That we really don't exist...

Anyway, this probably souds crazy, but this is something that my mind is going through and the worst thing is that I feel incredibly alone because this somehow means I'll always be alone and all this has been giving me the most powerful suicidal thoughts and urges....
Today I've been feeling this very strongly again and then I saw this thread.

I hope it will make sense to at least someone what I've written here...

It makes sense to me

So I saw someone in the bipolar thread posting about how the world is fake and I agree 100000000000000%. I wanted to reply in that thread but he's having some life issues right now so it's not right for me to post such things there. I wish him the best, I really do! But how do we know he's not correct? So I'm certain I don't have schizophrenia so maybe this deep feeling I get that everything I see right now is fake and not some torture chamber reality? Ugg sorry it this sounds crazy.

ps no worries I'm not losing touch on reality but feel like going really crazy

*crazy, as in blowing up the world...if that was possible hahaa

I think suffering makes me go crazy!

[subtle lights]

I feel like going crazy too.
I'm tired of one side saying it's just some sort of psychological dysfunction, and the other saying that it's a spiritual experience. I mean, it's both in a way, but where is the bridge between them? Everyone is so skewed into their own little belief system.
So I use all kinds of crap to cope, unhealthy stuff.
Anyway, sorry if this doesn't make sense.
I've found you posts here relatable but maybe it's just my interpretation of them.

[elevatedsoul]

i read that with borderline we can have like breaks with reality...

i know that im fighting hard to ground myself some how in "A" reality so that i can live "A" life...

because im not living right now...

right now im just watching this person move through hours of what people call a day, struggling, miserably, trying to survive... failing though...
like a screenplay... grainy... foggy... distant... detached... its not very fun... its not comfortable... its very disturbing when i think about it so i try to avoid the thought... try to focus on other things, which maybe why my addictions are kicked into high gear...

i just haven't felt real, Ever... my memory is messed up bad... really bad...
but i have this 1 memory that has stuck with me for ever... when i was a little boy, around the age of 3.. 4...6 years old.. i cant remember how old... because it all blurs together...
i was playing hide and seek, i started counting hiding my eyes by a tree... and i got to 10 and turned around and everything went way out, turned fake and weird colors... and i blacked out or something because the memory cuts off...

so i've been dealing with this fake like stuff for my entire life... trying to make myself feel real, trying to figure out if i am really alive... if i am in hell.. if i am dead.. if i am being tortured for something i did thousands of years ago and that why im in so much pain now... ect...

its awful... i dont know what to do about it

i don't have a belief system anymore... it blew up, it was destroyed... my paradigm was destroyed... my beliefs were destroyed... i dont believe in anything...
its bad... its really bad... i dont know what to do about it...

the only thing i really believe is that energy is everything... and everything is energy... and its all together... and all energy that was in the beginning... still is... and all energy that will be in the end.. still will be... no energy is ever lost... or gained... so we will never die... or go anywhere...

we are trapped eternally... what we are to do... maybe is up to us... but i dont know why im so miserable... and in so much pain...

Lately people at PC are talking about psychosis. I honestly 100% believe this reality is fake, an illusion, but I acknowledge that i could be wrong. How is that psychosis?

okay maybe only 99.99999% certain my reality is fake

If scientists one day discover our reality is a complete illusion then does that mean all the people who thought reality was not an illusion were truly the ones with psychosis?