[elevatedsoul]

how do i learn to trust the people trying to help me?

i tried to trust one time but was disappointed to say the least...

i feel like its different this time but having a hard time befriending them...

i have a lot of trust problems..

[Fuzzybear]

I have a lot of trust problems too I don't have any easy answers, I don't think there are any...

I've been disappointed to say the least in a few as well (a kind way of putting it )

There are some "good trustworthy people" I've found

[HD7970GHZ]

Elevatedsoul,

I empathize with you greatly. I am in a similar place right now. I will share some insights in hopes that it will help. I apologize if it triggers you.

"Trust is earned, not just given."

Give it time and patience. Do what feels right but also remain aware of our tendency to generalize about everyone due to past abuses and traumas / betrayals of trust. Just because one person hurt us does not mean the rest will... I know this statement may not comfort us, but it does remind us of the importance to challenge ourselves just enough to take baby steps outside of complete isolation. In our interactions with others we absolutely must set boundaries so that if someone is untrustworthy, we will not be so completely obliterated by it... The idea with boundaries is that, over-time, if someone proves to be trustworthy, we can then (and only then), lessen the boundaries we have and feel confident in the solid foundation the relationship is built upon. When we do this we become vulnerable and when we are vulnerable and are still accepted and able to trust, we built genuine intimacy; which is a HUGE source of purpose and living, and of life itself. If we are lucky, this experience is often experienced in therapy, which can help enable us to approach other relationships with the same positive candor.

As Fuzzybear said, there are some good trustworthy people out there. Fighting through the pain and potential harm we can sustain is worth it. We just have to be careful and take baby steps.

The protective mechanism that flares up when we interact with people exists for a reason and it is a valid reason. Moving into the future it still has a purpose and so it is important not to ignore it. However, the gut feelings we have surrounding trust are on overdrive (as it is for most sufferers like us). We are hyper-vigilant, our amygdala's are going off like wildfire. This sensitivity can make us susceptible to ruminations and over-analyzing, which can lead us to make mistakes when knowing if someone is trustworthy or not; ultimately this can re-traumatize us and keep us under the illusion that the world is a scary dark place. The last thing we want to do is shut the door on someone who seems untrustworthy, but who - in actuality - may be one of the only people we can trust. The only way to build trust is to give someone the opportunity to be trusted; that in itself involves vulnerability and risk... For those of us who have had our trust shattered, the risk is usually far greater. The alternative is to live in a scary dark place and never associate with others... This is a VERY lonely and depressing life to live, none of us actually want this, however, our trauma can take control of us and make it a reality... It is a vicious cycle to be in. We can intellectualize it, we can be aware of it, but we need to constantly challenge ourselves and our desire to run and isolate. Isolation can feel safe and sometimes it is, but if it becomes our go-to coping mechanism we chance losing out on life and living. Friendships and relationships are a HUGE source of MANY positive aspects in life. (As positive as any fallible relationship can be, they also come with a fair share of negatives). We can learn to provide ourselves with some of these positive things without the need of others, but we can never do it all.

Currently I am FORCING myself to stay in therapy with a therapist who has given me many red flags to RUN. I have been hurt in therapy and so it is possible that my therapist will hurt me, however, in retrospect - it is also possible that any therapist I see will hurt me, let alone any other human being outside of therapy. If I run from everyone then the problem doesn't solve itself, it just becomes compounded with each person I shut the door on. I have almost quit this current therapy so many times. It is so completely frustrating and makes me so angry at the people who hurt me! I am constantly challenging my instincts, remaining aware of the control my past traumas have on me and hoping that my therapist will prove me wrong; that people can be trusted. I don't even want to think what happens if she betrays my trust... Hopefully she can instill the sense of trust that I lack through genuine trustworthiness in a therapeutic setting, so that I can go out into the world with faith in humanity and approach new relationships with a brain that is more relaxed and willing to give benefit of doubt and trust.

Trust is NOT naivety. People CAN be trusted, you just gotta take it slow to find out who is trustworthy and who is not.

That whole, "trust your gut," sentiment is very real and very important... However, for us trauma survivors, we need to remember that our gut instinct is linked to our PAST traumas. While our guts can help us and save us from harm, sometimes our gut senses something is happening when in fact, it is not... Constant awareness and introspection can allow us to navigate these gut instincts and make the best of a potentially harmful situation, but it can also keep us from running from a potentially helpful situation too...

Don't allow fear to hold you back from living life. Everyone gets hurt, it is part of life and the human condition whether we like it or not. Best to harness this fact rather than avoid it and isolate for the rest of our lives. *Easier said than done.* I am a hypocrite because I am currently battling this crap RIGHT NOW and I am still regressing and isolating...

Sorry if I rambled. I just feel like this is such a relevant issue in my life and wanted to share what little insight I have gained in hopes that it will help you and others.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

[Fuzzybear]