[elevatedsoul]

i don't know what to do with myself

i can't say that i hate myself...
because i love myself dearly... atleast currently...
but the feeling can shift quickly...
because of everything i go through...
have been through...

i found myself sobbing earlier...
but having to come to and be with my father and brother,
mentoring again

how can i go on like this?
how can i exist if i dont exist?

i don't know feelings anymore...
im not sure if i have ever known feelings...
i just know that i have a huge amount of energy inside of me
tornado's and storms...
they are what i call feelings, they are uncontrollable...

how can i exist with such a "condition" and still provide such "services" to others...?
how do i hide this world inside of me from the world outside of me?

how is it that no one can understand me or see the pain that i am in

i can't stand it... much longer i dont know how much longer i can stand it...

for people to keep telling me that i need to just get control... like its something that i lost to begin with...

i am truly starting to dread it all...
truly starting to despise others... and just wanting to be alone...
no one will ever understand anyway..

all i have ever wanted was to be loved, accepted, understood, protected...
not to be hurt... or betrayed...

everyday... same story... different day...

[Fuzzybear]