[HD7970GHZ]

I frequent a local coffee shop and I have occasionally ran into a girl who works there who I am attracted to. Over the past year I have made an effort to stop by when I am in the area and when she is working I say hello.

Today I got the courage to ask her if I could buy her a coffee..

I had a near panic attack and approached her when there werent too many patrons around. She was at the till. I was stumbling for words and said, "I was wondering if it's possible to buy you a coffee sometime." She smiled and replied, "I get free coffee." She laughed a bit and looked down. I said, "Would you be okay with it though?" She said, "I'm going to have to say no for personal reasons." I said, "did I do something wrong?" She said, "no, it's for personal reasons."

I left.

I walked out of the coffee shop feeling pains in my chest.. It got out of hand and I texted a friend for advice. We decided that I should go back to the coffee shop to journal and trigger myself inside the discomfort and gutteral pain of abandonment and rejection that I was feeling. I was not going back for her, nor was I going back to be a weirdo! I made sure not to interact with her so as to respect her boundaries.

When I got back to the coffee shop she saw me and went into the back room. I bought a tea and sat down and journaled. Then she came out of the back room and was really loud and abnoxious with her male coworkers; clearly to get on my nerves. I didnt look at them, I just journaled. It hurt so much. They laughed a lot and my mind went back to when I was bullied and people were laughing at me. It went back to being rejected in the past when asking girls out...

I was alone.

I am now at home and feeling intense physical pain, shaking, sweating, tense body, barely breathing... I am hurt.

How do I move past this without wanting to burrow into a hole and never approach a girl again?

Thanks,
Hd7970ghz

[cryingontheinside]

Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ

I frequent a local coffee shop and I have occasionally ran into a girl who works there who I am attracted to. Over the past year I have made an effort to stop by when I am in the area and when she is working I say hello.

Today I got the courage to ask her if I could buy her a coffee..

I had a near panic attack and approached her when there werent too many patrons around. She was at the till. I was stumbling for words and said, "I was wondering if it's possible to buy you a coffee sometime." She smiled and replied, "I get free coffee." She laughed a bit and looked down. I said, "Would you be okay with it though?" She said, "I'm going to have to say no for personal reasons." I said, "did I do something wrong?" She said, "no, it's for personal reasons."

I left.

I walked out of the coffee shop feeling pains in my chest.. It got out of hand and I texted a friend for advice. We decided that I should go back to the coffee shop to journal and trigger myself inside the discomfort and gutteral pain of abandonment and rejection that I was feeling. I was not going back for her, nor was I going back to be a weirdo! I made sure not to interact with her so as to respect her boundaries.

When I got back to the coffee shop she saw me and went into the back room. I bought a tea and sat down and journaled. Then she came out of the back room and was really loud and abnoxious with her male coworkers; clearly to get on my nerves. I didnt look at them, I just journaled. It hurt so much. They laughed a lot and my mind went back to when I was bullied and people were laughing at me. It went back to being rejected in the past when asking girls out...

I was alone.

I am now at home and feeling intense physical pain, shaking, sweating, tense body, barely breathing... I am hurt.

How do I move past this without wanting to burrow into a hole and never approach a girl again?

Thanks,
Hd7970ghz

First of all good on you for being brave enough to ask her out. There was a chance she could of said yes and you wouldn't of known if you didn't ask.

Rejection is horrible and I hate it. I've never asked anyone out but I've been rejected a lot by friends and an old bf that texes me now and then but then ignores my texts and calls . he had broken up with me without any reason I can think of and he said it was because he has personal issues . when I was ill in hospital he sent me a lovely message that he really wanted to see me and then he ignored all my texts and phone calls . I fell out with some friends too and they keep rejecting me and that hurts a lot more than the ex bf . even some time has passed and I'm not over the rejection from them .

This girl you asked out doesn't sound like a nice person by how she handled the situation . in fact she sounds very immature .

I can't say you will get over it fast because I'm still not over the rejection I have faced . BPD and rejection does not go well together .

Just remember you will never get rejected here . this is a safe place and we all want each other to do well.

Don't forget how brave you was to ask her out . I'm sorry for the out come but maybe you are better without her from how she reacted . and you have a good friend who supported you after the fact .

[Quarter life]

Dear HD7970GHZ.

Failing at stuff is part of life. If we never try, then we've never lived. And yes I agree ...good for you for putting yourself out there.

We can't pretend to know another's mind or motives, she may be engaged, be gay, have a boyfriend, or she may simply have a rule about not dating customers. But its important that you don't take this as outright rejection...she isn't rejecting you as a person...she is saying no to dating you...there is a world of difference. There are girls out there who will jump at the chance to have you buy them a warm beverage. Just keep being positive and just remember...a smile and simple hello goes a long way toward making connections with others.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Well done for trying, H.

[HD7970GHZ]

Thank you soooo much for the responses! I felt so validated and less alone. I want to power through this inevitable learning experience of putting myself out there and being vulnerable and being hurt... It hurts so much. I want so badly to NOT be alone anymore, but I have so much work to do. It feels hopeless sometimes. Thanks for the words of encouragement. I will continue to take baby steps towards my goal and I will be gentle with myself and let myself cry when I feel alone and am hurt.

I feel little right now. lol.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

[Carmina]

Well done for plucking up the courage at least, I wish I could

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

See, even a sophisticated artist like Carmina finds it hard. Mind you, he does have a bright purple head

[Carmina]

Only when I blush

[HD7970GHZ]

lol Thank you Carmina.

I wouldn't say I was acting on courage, I would say was primarily driven by anger resulting from years and years of being alone and realizing how painful it is...

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

H, it's hard for straight men, who still seem to have to do the asking. I'm a liberated woman. I've never asked. So, I'm full of admiration for anyone who screws up their courage and spits it out.

It sounds like you're doing everything right.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Originally Posted by Carmina

Only when I blush

This is Carmina

[Juni35]

Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ

I frequent a local coffee shop and I have occasionally ran into a girl who works there who I am attracted to. Over the past year I have made an effort to stop by when I am in the area and when she is working I say hello.

Today I got the courage to ask her if I could buy her a coffee..

I had a near panic attack and approached her when there werent too many patrons around. She was at the till. I was stumbling for words and said, "I was wondering if it's possible to buy you a coffee sometime." She smiled and replied, "I get free coffee." She laughed a bit and looked down. I said, "Would you be okay with it though?" She said, "I'm going to have to say no for personal reasons." I said, "did I do something wrong?" She said, "no, it's for personal reasons."

I left.

I walked out of the coffee shop feeling pains in my chest.. It got out of hand and I texted a friend for advice. We decided that I should go back to the coffee shop to journal and trigger myself inside the discomfort and gutteral pain of abandonment and rejection that I was feeling. I was not going back for her, nor was I going back to be a weirdo! I made sure not to interact with her so as to respect her boundaries.

When I got back to the coffee shop she saw me and went into the back room. I bought a tea and sat down and journaled. Then she came out of the back room and was really loud and abnoxious with her male coworkers; clearly to get on my nerves. I didnt look at them, I just journaled. It hurt so much. They laughed a lot and my mind went back to when I was bullied and people were laughing at me. It went back to being rejected in the past when asking girls out...

I was alone.

I am now at home and feeling intense physical pain, shaking, sweating, tense body, barely breathing... I am hurt.

How do I move past this without wanting to burrow into a hole and never approach a girl again?

Thanks,
Hd7970ghz

Take some deep breaths and lets try to look at this another way. I know it is easy to think the worse things possible but try to silence them thoughts.
Perhaps she said no because she is with someone. It doesn't mean it has anything to do with you or how you asked her.
Now later on her going to the back could be because of it being slightly awkward or it could be because she had things to do back there. She is working so I am sure she is prolly back and forth with her work. Her coming out with the male co worker being loud and stuff could of just been something as simple as they were having an amusing conversation. It doesn't mean she was trying to get under your skin or to hurt you.
The best way to get past this is by trying to look at the other possible reasoning for things. It is easy to think the worst things, and to feel embarrassed is normal. You stood up and took a risk. You should be proud of yourself. The more you do things like that the easier it becomes. Don't let this drag you down.

[Carmina]

Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue

H, it's hard for straight men, who still seem to have to do the asking. I'm a liberated woman. I've never asked. So, I'm full of admiration for anyone who screws up their courage and spits it out.

It sounds like you're doing everything right.

I've never asked anyone out, all the women I've had relationships did most of the asking, in a few cases most persistently (ie till I gave in, often against my better judgement - that also reflected my lack of self esteem as it tended to be a mistake - one of which I married)

[All Is Revealed]

I feel terrible for how awful you feel. Getting rejected hurts like being shot in the chest. And then bleeding until you either die or get back up and heal yourself.

This is where my positive advice goes sour: I'm happy you got rejected. Why? Because she wasn't that great after all. It's interesting how beautiful she appeared when you asked her out, but so ugly the next time you saw her.

I'm happy that you're still single and free. I'm even happier that you don't have to deal with another shallow human being that takes pride in rejecting people. She's not worth your precious time. There are many better women out there that would to be with you.

[LittleEarthquakes]

We don't know that she took pride in rejecting. We only know that she said no for personal reasons. Her reasons do not matter. It was brave that he asked. People have their reasons and we have to let them. It was an experience. He wanted to ask her out and he did. There are others who will gladly be able to accept a cup of coffee or a date. Focus on your quality of being brave and try to move forward. It will hurt. Hurt is okay. We can not run from our emotions but accept that we have them and continue living.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Originally Posted by Carmina

I've never asked anyone out, all the women I've had relationships did most of the asking, in a few cases most persistently (ie till I gave in, often against my better judgement - that also reflected my lack of self esteem as it tended to be a mistake - one of which I married)

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Crikey. Did you know when you got married that it wasn't right?

I've never been married. When I was younger, I had a terrible fear of being trapped. I swore I wouldn't get caught like my mother had (she was lovely... my father was not).

I'm older now but still don't want that.

I can love people, though

I consider it a small triumph, after my rubbish upbringing. I remember in my teens thinking, very clearly, It's impossible. I'll never be able to trust anyone. I just won't

But I did.

[Carmina]

Yeah I knew but thought I could come to love her in time. Fact is she was 9 years younger than me and I wasn't really that attracted to younger women, put her off for nearly 2 years but she kept chasing me (even finding her in my bed once after I got in late) while at the same time getting into relationships with a series of bastards that were just using her sexually. In the end I thought I was rescuing her by offering her someone who wouldn't use her like that, I'm afraid that's what broke through my resolve (pretty much put my own needs off as I always do).

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

It seems like your motives were good. If it had worked out, that would have been a romantic start. It's a shame.

[HD7970GHZ]

Wow thank you for all the responses! There is a TON of wisdom and insight here. I will take time to reflect on it.

I have been really low since this happened. It hit me pretty hard. Rejection is a huge trigger and it spiraled off into suicidal ideation. I saw the same girl on Remembrance Day as I was passing through the coffee shop. She and I met eyes but she looked down and seemed to be uninterested in interacting with me... I suppose that is just how it has to be? Seemed a bit sad. I guess when you ask someone out and they keep seeing you at the coffee shop it might come across as awkward.

I will continue going to the coffee shop and if she is there I will be very mindful of her boundaries and try not to bother her at all.

I will also try not to take this personally and learn something from it.

Thanks so much for all the responses!!!

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

[offroad711]

I know I am late to this post but just wanted to say it took a lot of courage to not only ask her out, but then even more strength to go back and face that. I could literally feel your pain and anxiety sitting there when you went back and you just decided to stay and keep writing. No way I think I could have done that would probably have picked up a table and threw it if I forced myself to somehow stay.

I do not think I have ever truly asked a girl out sober. Did not lose my virginity until I started drinking when I was 18. Before that I would literally freeze and not be able to speak even if a girl showed she was extremely interested in me. From then on I used alcohol with every initial interaction with a girl and that is how I began every relationship. I am now sober 2 1/2 years, but I have had the same girlfriend since before that.

Long story short I think what you did was amazing given the emotional response we BPDers have in a situation like that...

I still have many situations every day I cannot face, but maybe this will inspire me to face some of those.

[Unrigged64072835]

Good for you for trying and facing your discomfort.

I'm female and asked guys out, and I usually was rejected. I still had a lot of BPD symptoms until recently, so I wasn't a good date anyhow. I finally lucked out with this third marriage and it's going well.

At least you realize she may not have been for you. As others have said, there's a lot of nice people who would love a cup of coffee. I just wish the girl wasn't such a jerk afterwards.

[HD7970GHZ]

Originally Posted by offroad711

I know I am late to this post but just wanted to say it took a lot of courage to not only ask her out, but then even more strength to go back and face that. I could literally feel your pain and anxiety sitting there when you went back and you just decided to stay and keep writing. No way I think I could have done that would probably have picked up a table and threw it if I forced myself to somehow stay.

I do not think I have ever truly asked a girl out sober. Did not lose my virginity until I started drinking when I was 18. Before that I would literally freeze and not be able to speak even if a girl showed she was extremely interested in me. From then on I used alcohol with every initial interaction with a girl and that is how I began every relationship. I am now sober 2 1/2 years, but I have had the same girlfriend since before that.

Long story short I think what you did was amazing given the emotional response we BPDers have in a situation like that...

I still have many situations every day I cannot face, but maybe this will inspire me to face some of those.

Thank you for sharing and for showing support. It means a lot. I am so happy the community recognizes how hard these changes are to make in our lives. I hope to regather myself and build up my confidence / self-esteem so that these rejections don't hit so close to heart.

I can also relate to your feelings of insecurity around social settings, let alone members of the opposite sex. Alcohol was, at one time, the only way for me to get over the social inhibitions and social anxiety necessary to be around women. I also just acted really stupid because then I could break the ice and not have to pretend to be comfortable. Looking back, I wish I could have just opened up and been honest that I was uncomfortable, because as we all learn sooner or later, dates and or acknowledging any sort of attraction to another human being is one of the MOST awkward things to do.

I respect that you have been sober. I cannot express how amazing that is. I am also VERY happy to hear you are still with the same girl. Looking back, how did you meet the girl that you are still with? Did you use alcohol on the first meeting?

Now that you are sober, do you feel more comfortable around women in general? I know you are with a partner, but even in daily interactions, have you noticed it is easier or do you still feel the need to go back to alcohol to aid with the ice breaking tension?

I am typing this in the same coffee shop and the same girl is working right now. She came over to a nearby table to pick up some trash and she was wearing a set of red christmas deer-antlers on her head. I said I liked the antlers. She smiled and said ya thanks. I asked if it was mandatory and she said no, that she wore them because she wanted to.

I think that went okay. Not sure exactly how things are going but it could have been worse.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

[offroad711]

I cannot believe you still have the courage to still talk to her after everything. By continuing the small talk you are showing that her rejection is no big deal and does not phase you. Her loss!

I definitely crave the alcohol for pretty much all social and business situations. I honestly come really close to thinking I am going to drink once a week on average if I am being honest. However being in a long term committed relationship there is no fear talking to another women. And actually if a attractive woman tries to talk to me I instantly show that I am not interested because I would not want my girlfriend talking to another guy she finds attractive although she has but that is for another topic.=-lol

And there are many things in business I can no longer do since getting sober. I used alcohol for networking etc. would instantly take my mind from thinking I am not good enough etc. The exact same as you spoke of.

I would rather not say how I met my current girlfriend not something I am proud of and could probably trigger me-lol I did use alcohol in our beginning social interactions as she did as well. She is also a alcoholic, but now has over four years sobriety. However she does not have any mental issues like myself at least since she got sober---when she drank she eventually became completely insane stealing cars, swat team showing up, she then would get put in a straight jacket, etc. How we make it work with all our past baggage I have no idea and have broken up more times then I can remember both done things neither of us are proud of. Sobriety is very much apart of our lives as all of our friends and people we work with are sober as well. We are constantly trying to help others that want to get sober, etc. And finally we both have a huge passion for animals....

I also agree completely with what you said about somehow in the past finding a way to open up and being honest instead of just bottling it all up and then just using alcohol to act "normal" Think I have probably rambled enough....