[annabelle124]

I (27F) have BPD and dating has been an absolute nightmare as I find it extremely hard to move on from a relationship after it has ended (even if the guy is not a good person at all). However I have had a tendency to get involved with abusive/toxic men so it can be hard for me to trust my judgement about the situation.

I was seeing a guy(28) for a a little over a month earlier in the year. The guy is an alcoholic and a heavy valium user and we met in the most unfortunate circumstance a year ago. He took me on a date where his ex girlfriend (who he is still friends with) was at the bar we were visiting and she proceeded to sabotage our date by constantly interrupting him to talk. He left me at the bar continually throughout the night to talk to her and her friends outside and he then shrugged when I told him I was leaving when I was quite upset about this. Through mutual friends, somehow crossed paths again a year later and he was deeply apologetic, saying he was drunk at the time. I told him that being drunk was no excuse for this type of behaviour, however I forgave him and we became good friends but due to our intense attraction to one another we eventually started dating.

For a few weeks of dating, things seemed to be going surprisingly very very well, but out of nowhere it turned really sour when he would get into very irritable moods and become very cold and quite insensitive and condescending. This obviously triggered me and I would get emotional about it and try to assertively talk through it and he ended it then and there saying that he is a jerk and is going to get 100 x worse the more I get to know him (especially when he drinks) and because I am so sensitive, it will only end up a total disaster.He said that he needs to be with a girl who will tell him to shut up and puts him back in his place when he acts up.

It was a terrible decision, but we agreed to stay friends with one another and communicated via Facebook messenger. I guess I instigated this routine, where we'd chat like we used to before we got romantically involved, then one of us would confess to each other that we still had feelings for each other, we'd both agree that we found talking was making it difficult to move on and to give each other some space until we were ok to talk again. After that agreement my clingy borderline behaviour would set in and I would get this overwhelming need to talk to him and need for validation. The need to speak to him was very intense and I'd break the agreement and cave in and start chatting again. I would then realise that I needed more time, I'd apologise and I'd back off. This cycle went on for about a month and each of these discussions were spaced around a week to two weeks apart. During every one of these discussions he never raised having an issue with me breaking the contact and he'd continue to speak me to me like usual and quite willingly engaged with me. He even told me that I can break the contact rule at any time if I was in a bad place and needed someone to talk to because he still 'really cares' for me.

After the last agreement for no contact, I caved in and got in touch to tell him that I really wish we were able to make it work and that I was struggling to move on. He responded saying that he feels exactly the same and that something deep down makes him want to say, 'stuff it lets just be together', but he knows because of his drinking, it would be catastrophic for both of us and that he has a lot of growing up to do. Two days passed with no discussion between us and I continued the conversation. He said that he was just drunk when he wrote that stuff to me, he doesn't even remember saying things about still having feelings for me as they are no longer there for him anymore. I tried to engage further and he ignored my messages, which set me off to ask him if he was ignoring me.

After two days, I wrote in to apologise for bombarding him with those messages and he told me that he is done talking with me now and doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore because I keep getting in touch, I keep asking the same questions and it keeps going around in circles and he just wants to have some peace. He said that he has told me time and time again not to communicate with him (however he never once did express this), he has tried to be polite and has tried to respond to all my messages but now he wants to cut off all contact for good. I apologised profusely to him as I felt terrible for misreading the situation and overstepping his boundaries by smothering. I felt so ashamed by this and begged him not to end it on such sour terms and he told me that it's the only way and he can't help how I feel. I asked him if this is really what he wants and he said 'there is another question, I told you to stop communicating with me, yet you still keep going'. I then expressed that I will back off and apologised for all of this.

A month later when I finally moved on from the shame of it all, I got a message from him out of nowhere apologising profusely for being so selfish and such a 'pig', saying that even though it isn't an excuse, he was in a bad place at the time and he hopes that I am ok. At the time I was doing a bit better and I politely responded some time after by thanking him for writing this and wishing him all the best, which gave me this amazing sense of closure.

In the last week I have been changing medication and my anxiety and depression levels are off the charts. I had a dream that he had taken his life (I know that he struggles with these thoughts) and I woke up feeling this intense need to write to him to tell him that if he is in a bad place he can reach out to me as I still care even though things ended so badly. He wrote back thanking me, and said 'likewise' and asked me how I was. I kept it brief and told him that it is best we don't talk as I don't want things to get nasty, however I am here if things get dark and we left it at that.

The two days following I could not control these intense feelings for him reemerging and I was absolutely pining for him. I couldn't stop thinking that maybe he had gotten better and maybe I was the one who got away to him and he wanted me to write to him to tell him how I felt but was too scared that I would reject him, so I reached out again and told him I still have feelings for him. He responded saying 'sorry...I shouldn't have messaged before'. He then said that he thinks its best we block all communication for our own peace and I apologised for being such a nuisance. He then said that he was the nuisance for being so selfish all along and that he hopes one day we cross paths again later in the future and wished me the best and then proceeded to block me on messenger.

I am so conflicted by this. I feel like I smothered him and behaved in a very unattractive, desperate way that borderlines are negatively represented as and he views me as this obsessive, crazy stalker ex who has been an absolute pest in the last two months and I can't deal with the shame of being interpreted this way. It is also so shameful for me to have been blocked by him as I feel that this is reserved for very extreme circumstances.

I have just come off the waiting list for an intense DBT program which I hope can help prevent me from acting out like this when dating in the future, however the shame I am currently experiencing is so overwhelming and all the non-borderline people around me don't seem to comprehend how awful this experience has made me feel about myself.

Would anyone have any perspective on how I can help myself move on from the shame of this?

[Skeezyks]

Hello annabelle: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

Another forum, here on PC, that may be of interest would be the relationships & communication forum. Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/rela...communication/

You may also be interested in the coping with emotions forum:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/coping-emotions/

I'm sorry you had this unfortunate experience. But I was glad to read you are going to have the opportunity to participate in DBT. You asked about ways to move on from the shame you feel over how you acted in this relationship. To me, from what you wrote at least, there was plenty of blame to go around. It sounds as though the young man you were seeing has some serious problems of his own. And, although he may recognise he has them, it doesn't sound as though he is actively seeking any solutions for them. This is a bad sign in my opinion. It may well be that you did the best you could under the circumstances & have little or nothing to feel ashamed of. But, of course, I understand how these things go.

Here are links to a selection of articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that hopefully may be of some help as well as interest:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/learni...ys-to-move-on/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/let-go...give-yourself/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/shame-...ave-it-behind/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/learn-...give-yourself/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-do-...give-yourself/

https://psychcentral.com/disorders/b...ng-with/?all=1

https://psychcentral.com/lib/an-over...avior-therapy/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/12-way...-broken-heart/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/help-o...om-heartbreak/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...ver-a-breakup/

My best wishes to you...

[MDDBPDPTSD]

So sorry honey. Relationships are very difficult for people without BPD and much harder for those with it. It really sucks to have this disease. I understand the shame that you speak about and it can be immobilizing. I don’t know of any short cuts to get through it. It takes time. I do think you dodged a bullet though. You don’t need a life built on the shifting sands of an addict. I pray that you will see your tremendous value and hold out for a genuinely good guy. Or maybe even just be with yourself for a while. I am by myself for the first time in my life and I am an older lady. I always thought I had to be with someone, but I don’t. In fact I don’t ever want to pursue another romantic relationship again. Life with only me is so much better. Probably because, like you, I chose men who were not good for me. I did that because I saw myself as broken and so I was grateful for the attention even from bad guys. Now that I am older, I can see things I didn’t understand then. I encourage you to hold out for someone who treats you well. Hugs.

[Unrigged64072835]

I've been in abusive relationships for a lot longer than I should have, because negative attention was better than none at all.

I did find someone that was good for me, but I still struggled until I did DBT and worked on my childhood issues with a really good therapist.

[Fuzzybear]