[Skull&Crossbones]

I hope it's okay to post here...I'm not officially diagnosed as borderline, but I certainly relate to many of the symptoms: fear of abandonment, emptiness, having strong emotions that shift like crazy, rage for usually no good reason that's hard to control, a history of self-harm and suicidal threats, and not being entirely sure who I am or what I should do for a living.

I think there are attachment issues too since I have little to no issues around people I'm not attached to. As soon as I get emotionally involved or vulnerable around someone I start feeling clingy and needy. I try to avoid becoming close to people, but I did end up in a relationship.

He's sick of my "episodes" for lack of a better word. I honestly try to suppress any rage (as there's no reason for it) and anxiety/freak out moments. I certainly keep the self-harm urges to myself now. He says I seemed to have gained empathy but everything still revolves around me and I spin everything involving his feelings into being about my feelings.

I don't want to hurt him. He's the only person I've ever loved and the only person who's ever loved me. I don't understand why I seem to have this almost instinctive urge to lash out. I DON'T WANT TO.

We're considering asking our couple's counselor to become my individual counselor and figure out something else for couple's counseling if it's financially feasible. Is there anything else I can do? Am I going to have to be perfect from the get-go and never make a mistake or is progress good enough? I've made a lot of progress over the last few years, but it's not enough.

I really want to live with him someday, maybe in a year or two, but he's afraid that he won't be able to get space from me if I have an emotional episode. I'll admit that I'm struggling to understand why an evening or a weekend wouldn't be long enough to get away from me (like hang out with buddies or take a trip and then talk when he gets back) and why he needs weeks of thinking about it and avoiding talking about it while being cold and distant to me. He even says there's nothing to talk about when directly asked. Telling me everything is fine and then acting like it's not really throws me off and creates issues with me avoiding abandonment or wanting to lash out AGAIN. I just know it's on me to break the cycle. What gets me though is when I do get him to talk, everything is usually fine within a 20 minute conversation. I mean, he wouldn't avoid me in the first place if I didn't have emotional issues.

I do hope this subforum is less likely to dismiss me by telling me others have it worse and I should just get over it (yes I know, but that doesn't suddenly make everything okay). Also, my partner is a good person...yes, he avoids conflict a bit too much, tends to take my emotions personally, but he is really sensitive. He wouldn't have to avoid conflict if I didn't inadvertently create it. These issues are at least 90% me and maybe 10% him. So don't blame him; it's my fault.

[kiwi215]

Hey there. You are certainly welcome here as far as I am concerned. I "knew" since high school that I had BPD, but was never officially diagnosed until I was 22. I think this is fairly common... Regardless of whether you actually "have" BPD, if you identify with some of the symptoms and they impair you, then I think it's totally fair and valid and brave of you to reach out here. And yeah, the "just get over it" and "others have it worse" phrases are not helpful, and in my experience they can actually be quite hurtful.

As for you relationship struggles, I can't really be of much help as I've never been in a romantic relationship; never made it past 3 or 4 dates because I'm too scared and guarded and anxious. I can tell you that I have a friend with BPD and she goes to couples counseling with her husband AND she also sometimes meets with that counselor individually. Not as her own primary therapist (she has a different one), but sometimes they each see that couples counselor individually so that they have a chance to say things to the counselor that they otherwise might not say with the other person in the room and then the counselor can better understand each person and facilitate further conversation.

I would definitely recommend having an individual therapist that you can see regularly if you can make it work financially though. And it might be worth it to bring up the possibility of BPD with a therapist (although I will warn you that you very well might get shot down... therapists don't tend to make that diagnosis very early on and some even balk at the thought of it unfortunately). But I do think talking to someone about the symptoms and struggles you listed above could be helpful. And maybe try to find a DBT therapist and/or DBT group. DBT has a whole module that focuses on Interpersonal Effectiveness, and maybe you could get your partner involved in DBT too so you can practice the skills together.

And lastly, I don't think you have to be "perfect from the get-go." It's not possible anyway. Progress is progress, no matter the pace. You've made a lot of progress in the last few years, in your words, and I believe you can keep making progress, especially with your awareness and willingness.

[Fuzzybear]

You’re definitely welcome here

[Skull&Crossbones]

Wow, thanks for replying so quickly and for your support and validation you guys!

I just feel like I have to be perfect from the get-go because the next incident may be one too many. It's just difficult now since we've lived in two different cities for the last year (and will for another year at least) due to finances/jobs etc. The distance and space are incredibly difficult for me. I feel deep loneliness, emptiness, and boredom whenever I'm not working. And I can't work all the time because of the stress it would cause. He has a lot of stressors in his life right now which means he has little patience for me messing up.

And the last incident...even I don't know why or how it escalated the way it did. Something the night before did really upset me, but I don't know why it translated into a panic attack/tantrum/whatever it was.

I just want to be someone that he can live with...someone who lifts him up even in hard times...someone who doesn't hurt him...someone who makes him happy.

I will say that I feel leery of DBT and things like that only because they seem almost patronizing to me. And cold. That it again confirms that all my feelings and opinions are wrong and should be kept to myself. I don't know though.

I’ve never been diagnosed with BPD. I think have the symptoms of “quiet” BPD. I wish I had known and understood this earlier in life. I think once my eyes were opened to the actual issue, that was more than half the battle of managing and overcoming it. I have stopped villainizing myself and I’m giving myself compassionate space to make different decisions.

None of us is perfect. Everybody is working on some kind of issue. My hubby has dealt with difficulties from me that I now see and understand better. I’ve dealt with his difficult issues too. We’ve helped each other to overcome and heal from some similar problems we both experienced growing up. We have mostly good days but sometimes life is a struggle for one or the other and we stand by each other. I think people have their ups and downs in life no matter what and the best we can do is stand by each other.

My suggestion is not to try and be perfect for someone but to be with someone who is willing and able to grow with you. I’ve made a lot of mistakes and apologized a lot and I don’t know if that’s normal in a relationship. I probably don’t know what a “normal” relationship is. I do know I am now learning and working on how to give myself and loved ones space to learn and grow from mistakes. ❤️

[Skull&Crossbones]

Knowing and understanding the issues as much as I do (I'm sure I don't quite grasp the full picture yet) has done the opposite for me...as in I villainize myself more. If it weren't for the fact that he sits around and stews over things while saying there's nothing he wants to talk about instead of processing it and then taking the initiative to talk about it, I would say it's 100% my fault. I can't grow or fix mistakes if I don't find out about mistakes until after the fact. If I don't know something's an issue, I can't really stop, can I? By then it's a habit and it's harder to change.

He has difficulties too...we're all pretty sure he's an Aspie which if that's the case, our therapist thinks that's why he has so much trouble dealing with my emotions and processing if he's upset. But, he seems to have no issues communicating his feelings if I confront him and take the initiative to start the conversation. Which I would be willing to do, but I can't if I don't know there's an issue at all. Last night, he was saying something to the effect that he has to cater to and change so much for me (or something similar...I feel bad for not remembering the exact words). A lot of that he does without needing to and he could just say no. I feel like I have to magically know boundaries or know when to trust when he says everything is fine.

Or I just have to always think that things are never fine and just be prepared for the withholding of affection/abandonment several weeks/months after the fact. He knows I have trust issues and it's hard to be secure and trust when "I'm fine" means anything from "I'm fine" to "I'm so angry and upset with you but I don't want to talk about it so I'm just going to push you away".

But, to be fair, everything that could be going wrong in his life has been going wrong and for a while now so it's probably unfair to judge him on how he's dealing with this stuff now. Constant family emergencies and serious illnesses, having to move back home because no matter how hard he tries, he can't find full-time permanent work in his field (it's difficult to, but he's frustrated because he seems to be doing everything right but other people are getting the jobs), and feeling general shame and like a failure because he isn't married, doesn't have kids, doesn't own a house (and not even his own apartment at the moment) when all his peers do and he should by his age. He keeps saying when his dad was his age, he had bought a house. And I point out that his dad's career has more jobs and takes WAY less education. But then most people in his field have the full-time jobs and families by his age, so I dunno. But then a lot of them just stayed in school and didn't spend years in the military on top of it.

I just think I'm the one more thing he has to deal with and I think right now I just have to be 100% not an issue or it's going to be over. And my needs aren't going to be met and I'm so selfish for wanting them to be.

As a side thought...I work through emotions by sharing/talking about them and since it would be unfair to talk to him, maybe I should just dump them here...and if anyone is willing and able to give any validation or encouragement, it would be most appreciated.

[Skull&Crossbones]

It's probably very stupid, but I'm hurting and feeling rejected right now because if someone were to look at my partner's Facebook feed, he would look single. I'm not with him in anything he's doing. He usually shares relevant memories, but he didn't share one where I was the one taking the picture. Only with family. I'm clearly not family.

We've been playing in a band together, but I'm wondering if I should quit just so he doesn't have to see me if he doesn't want to? He did prevent me from joining another band with him a few months ago so when he's talking about their rehearsals and performances, it reopens that wound. I mean, I realize some people need more space but why doesn't he understand how much that all hurts? Why is it my fault for being upset by it? Would others not be?

[ShadowGX]

Eh, my post might not be what you want to hear at all... But maybe some harsh truth will help in the long run, even if it hurts to hear now, so I will risk posting. Sorry ahead of time. >.<'

BPD is extremely hard to deal with for both parties, this you've seen already. It takes a lot of effort and practice in keeping our cool, and even then, it will still be impossible not to slip up. He cannot expect perfection from you (or anyone for that matter, not just mentally ill people make mistakes). He needs to be willing to meet you half way in your efforts to get better while you keep trying to get better. Frankly, and this is the part that will probably hurt, he sounds like he won't be able to manage his part. It sounds like he expects you to get better like flicking a switch, but that's not realistic. Stewing over issues and expecting you to get it on your own is not going to work. "...he needs weeks of thinking about it and avoiding talking about it while being cold and distant to me" - this is a HUGE red flag to me. Someone who is able and willing to clearly communicate their own thoughts/feelings, especially regarding boundaries, is essential.

That said, I recognize I'm only getting what you've written here and probably not the entire story. Maybe he really is loving and caring and exactly what you need. If that is true and he is truly willing to work with you, I wonder if the videos I was shown recently will help you both? Another user here sent me a link to Dr. Daniel Fox on Youtube (just search his name on YT and it's the first one the comes up). He specializes in personality disorders. There's a video about strategies for dealing with loved ones who have BPD which may help, but definitely look at some of the others too. It may help you both understand this disorder more, and that's a big part of getting better.

Edit: And I just saw the post right before mine... Ugh, that would hurt like hell. I'm so sorry he's putting you through this.

[kiwi215]

Originally Posted by Skull&Crossbones

I will say that I feel leery of DBT and things like that only because they seem almost patronizing to me. And cold. That it again confirms that all my feelings and opinions are wrong and should be kept to myself. I don't know though.

I totally understand that and have felt that way myself. And I've felt that way with CBT a lot too... like saying my thoughts are wrong wrong wrong. It can be very invalidating if not done with enough genuine human compassion and validation. Same with DBT. I think the key is finding a good therapist. I had a therapist who was very new and hardcore stuck to the manual and was very quick to jump to problem solving, skipping the validation part. What I got from it was that I was just one big defective robot that needed to be fixed. That therapist could not interact with me in a way that made me feel like a person with emotions. It was a horrible experience to be honest. Horrible. I don't say this to scare you away from DBT though. I just want to validate your fears and I think you're right to be cautious. My thoughts on DBT are this: It can be a very effective and helpful treatment that can be generalized to a lot of different areas of life. It's a practice. But, if the person/people conducting your DBT therapy only see a problem that needs to be fixed and are quick to jump in and throw a DBT skill in your face, then that's not helpful and can be harmful. I also know, though, that there are good therapists out there who can incorporate DBT into your therapy without it being so cold and sterile. One of the therapists who leads the DBT group I am in is particularly good at this. She has acknowledged multiple times that DBT is a very change-focused therapy, AND that validation is necessary for change to happen. Some people need more validation than others, and that's ok. I'm someone who needs a lot of genuine validation and empathy before I feel ready/motivated/willing to change my behaviors or put DBT skills into practice. It's a balance of change and validation. If someone is only told to change change change without first having their emotions/struggles validated, they're likely not going to make much progress. On the other hand, if someone is ONLY getting validation and acknowledgment that their struggles are real and valid, then they're not getting any advice on how to make changes in their lives. It's a fine balance and a good therapist should be able to read you and know when you're needing more or less of one of those two things (well, client feedback is also helpful).

Anyway, long story short, I totally get your fears and validate them. From my experience, I would recommend giving DBT a try if you have resources to it, but shop around for a good DBT therapist. DBT (and therapy in general) is typically supposed to be challenging, but it's not supposed to be invalidating. Sometimes it's hard to discern between the two (at least for me... sometimes when the work of therapy gets hard or scary, I turn to blaming the therapist), but listen to your gut. I would just give it a shot. And if it's not the right therapy for you, that's ok. There are other kinds of therapy and help that you can get. That being said, this is a broken system that we are dealing with and I know it can be very hard to get access to helpful resources, unfortunately. I wish you the best of luck! And of course, this community is here for you

[Skull&Crossbones]

Originally Posted by ShadowGX

Eh, my post might not be what you want to hear at all... But maybe some harsh truth will help in the long run, even if it hurts to hear now, so I will risk posting. Sorry ahead of time. >.<'

BPD is extremely hard to deal with for both parties, this you've seen already. It takes a lot of effort and practice in keeping our cool, and even then, it will still be impossible not to slip up. He cannot expect perfection from you (or anyone for that matter, not just mentally ill people make mistakes). He needs to be willing to meet you half way in your efforts to get better while you keep trying to get better. Frankly, and this is the part that will probably hurt, he sounds like he won't be able to manage his part. It sounds like he expects you to get better like flicking a switch, but that's not realistic. Stewing over issues and expecting you to get it on your own is not going to work. "...he needs weeks of thinking about it and avoiding talking about it while being cold and distant to me" - this is a HUGE red flag to me. Someone who is able and willing to clearly communicate their own thoughts/feelings, especially regarding boundaries, is essential.

That said, I recognize I'm only getting what you've written here and probably not the entire story. Maybe he really is loving and caring and exactly what you need. If that is true and he is truly willing to work with you, I wonder if the videos I was shown recently will help you both? Another user here sent me a link to Dr. Daniel Fox on Youtube (just search his name on YT and it's the first one the comes up). He specializes in personality disorders. There's a video about strategies for dealing with loved ones who have BPD which may help, but definitely look at some of the others too. It may help you both understand this disorder more, and that's a big part of getting better.

Edit: And I just saw the post right before mine... Ugh, that would hurt like hell. I'm so sorry he's putting you through this.

The problem from his perspective is that he feels that he's met me more than halfway. I can understand why he feels like that, but I think he's running himself ragged doing the wrong things. Like instead of staying in a conversation that's upsetting to him because I'm freaking out, why not just say, I'm not going to speak to you until you calm down. That would be a good boundary for both of us.

And to be fair, he's not the one expecting me to be perfect. I just feel I need to be because every slip up seems to provoke him more. My last slip up was in Nov/Dec I think, so I can't be doing that badly. But, if our hypothesis is correct and he IS an Aspie, my "episodes" may be causing him to have meltdowns which is why it bothers him so much and he needs so much space. Maybe I'm being naive, but I think he thinks he needs so much space but it's actually detrimental to him. He feels so much better when I actually get him to talk about it. Our therapist said something along the lines of communication and emotions are probably difficult for him if he indeed has Aspergers. He had gotten better at asserting boundaries as we had been working on it in therapy. It hadn't been needed for a while (I don't think), so he hadn't gotten much practice yet. If I get to mess up, he should be allowed to mess up too.

Even in the best of times with no baggage, it's difficult to maintain closeness in the relationship anyway because we live an hour away from each other with sometimes conflicting schedules. And he's said that sometimes he wants to avoid spending time with me because he doesn't know what mood I'm going to be in. Which is fair I guess, but by avoiding me, it raises the chance of a bad mood next time because it messes with my "schedule" or whatever they call it in the video.

Anything out of the norm can trigger the hell out of me. Even something as silly as he left off the heart emoticon on his morning text will trigger abandonment. I trigger very easily because I don't see him. He feels like a stranger...90% of our four-year relationship is now through text. And I've been triggered by spending a weekend with him and then having to separate from him because I get very bad separation anxiety.

I can understand him being hesitant to live with me as it would feel like there would be no escape, but really that would just mean he would have to have a conversation in the moment or soon after instead of running away from it. And again, I could be naive, but with him around consistently, I'm pretty sure I will have less issues. Unless he spends nights away from me without telling me ahead of time...that would probably cause issues.

Right now we at least seem to be fine, but then it's through text. Without my emotional instability causing issues, we actually complement each other very well. We're also both sort of outcasts so we get each other. And we had been doing so well in couples therapy that our therapist had decided to go down to one month check-in appointments. And then I screw up.

[Skull&Crossbones]

I feel really bad today...depressed. It's affecting my ability to fake it (as in being happy) at work. And I was actually happy because I was having dinner with a teacher colleague and her husband last night talking about the upcoming school year and some of the students I'm working with this summer.

It just reminds me though that unlike most of the people I know, I'm not good enough, lovable enough, or even likable enough to be married or live with someone. I have a milestone birthday in about three weeks so it's even more depressing. I guess I'll be spending my birthday alone...there's nothing to celebrate anyway.

[Skull&Crossbones]

I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to. At least not in real time. The pain of loneliness is unbearable. I'm becoming depressed to the point that I'm unable to eat again.

[kiwi215]

Originally Posted by Skull&Crossbones

I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to. At least not in real time. The pain of loneliness is unbearable. I'm becoming depressed to the point that I'm unable to eat again.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Do you have an individual therapist? Also, I know it's not exactly "real time," and you probably know this already, but there are hotlines you can call/text:

1-800-273-8255 (suicide hotline)

741-741 (crisis text line).

Among others...

Again, I know it's not the same as having someone to talk to in person, but it can be very helpful to give these a try. I wish there was more I could do for you right now!

[Skull&Crossbones]

So, most likely he's going to break up with me. He wanted to wait until we met with our therapist because I guess he needs someone to hold his hand. I pretty much had to put the words in his mouth over the phone because he doesn't (and never did) have the balls to actually say what he wants or feels if he thinks it will make me the least bit unhappy. He has always told me what I've wanted to hear...I've given up almost everything I've wanted in a relationship or a sex life because he would tell me he would deliver and either comes back and says he doesn't mean it (and this could be MONTHS later) or he just leads me on and doesn't deliver.

Apparently, part of the reason he's leaving me now is because he doesn't think we have the relationship he sees other people have. We don't have the connection others do which makes no sense with everything else he's told me over the years. Because obviously, all relationships are as perfect as they appear to outsiders (sarcasm). He says he still dreads being around me because he doesn't know what mood I'm going to be in. We were doing fine for months and I mess up again and now it's back to that I guess.

He was thinking about what it would be like to move in together or get married. It had been almost four years and I was seeing my much younger coworkers getting engaged/married. Was I wrong to be upset that I wasn't one of them? I have known for a long time that I'd have to convince him to live with me and I never had the security of knowing (or even thinking) that he would take me with him when he got his fancy full-time job in another state.

It has felt like he's pushed me away but apparently, he feels like I've pushed him away. I find that I can't get close to someone who tells me one thing and doesn't do it or does something else. Like the other night, we had a gig (this is one of the few times I've seen him in person this month) and at first, he's nice and says how pretty I am. Then he's cold and says when he told me earlier in the month that we didn't have anything to talk about, he actually meant we do but he wasn't ready. He was deliberately withholding affection then because he didn't feel comfortable giving it. Is that normal? Do other people withhold love and affection when they're upset? I'm tired of having to earn love and affection. I never can do enough to earn it consistently. I didn't even want to be touched before him, because touch was not normal to me...I never really received affection. Now I want it, and now I'm going to lose it forever and go back to never having physical contact with another human being. He did eventually show me some affection when I started crying and said he was the only one I ever loved and the only one who's ever loved me.

I'm sad about losing his family and having a place to celebrate holidays. I tried not to get too close to them yet so it wouldn't hurt quite as bad, but now I'll have to get used to birthdays and holidays alone or with my cold distant family.

Originally Posted by ShadowGX

Stewing over issues and expecting you to get it on your own is not going to work. "...he needs weeks of thinking about it and avoiding talking about it while being cold and distant to me" - this is a HUGE red flag to me. Someone who is able and willing to clearly communicate their own thoughts/feelings, especially regarding boundaries, is essential.

Edit: And I just saw the post right before mine... Ugh, that would hurt like hell. I'm so sorry he's putting you through this.

Aren't I being overly sensitive to be hurt by it though? Apparently, he wasn't doing it on purpose. And do people who actually communicate and tell the truth actually exist? What I liked about him at first was how he seemed so honest and trustworthy. And I was suckered in. I already have trust issues and now they're about ten times worse.

Originally Posted by kiwi215

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Do you have an individual therapist? Also, I know it's not exactly "real time," and you probably know this already, but there are hotlines you can call/text:

1-800-273-8255 (suicide hotline)

741-741 (crisis text line).

Among others...

Again, I know it's not the same as having someone to talk to in person, but it can be very helpful to give these a try. I wish there was more I could do for you right now!

To be honest, those resources scare me. I'm always afraid it'll make me feel worse. I sometimes use 7 Cups if I'm desperate enough. I've had good enough experiences there. I'm supposed to meet the person who helped me through the last time he completely cut me out of his life. She doesn't know yet but she does know about the gay community in this city and I've been suppressing same-sex urges most of my life, especially with him when he could rarely please me at all.

[ShadowGX]

Originally Posted by Skull&Crossbones

Aren't I being overly sensitive to be hurt by it though? Apparently, he wasn't doing it on purpose. And do people who actually communicate and tell the truth actually exist? What I liked about him at first was how he seemed so honest and trustworthy. And I was suckered in. I already have trust issues and now they're about ten times worse.

Whether someone hurts you on purpose or not isn't the deciding factor if it should hurt you. Someone can accidentally hit you with a car and break your legs and it's gonna hurt pretty bad, regardless of if they intended to miss you. The same is true for emotional neglect and non-physical harm. Your needs are not being met and you're allowed to be hurt by that no matter what the excuse is.

As for people who tell the truth, we do exist (not to seem full of myself, because it's been a curse more than anything honestly). I don't know how to advise you to find us or really what to say to help you trust again. I struggle with trusting as well, so I can hardly lecture on that... I hope with time it gets easier to forgive and trust someone else. Every new hurt just makes it worse.

[Skull&Crossbones]

Sorry, I didn't mean I didn't think I should be hurt because he didn't do it on purpose, I just mean I don't think I should be hurt by it at all. How much love and affection is okay to want or need? He's the only one who's given me any so I'm probably asking too much. I still don't know if withholding affection like that is okay to do to someone. Maybe I'm just being a wuss for being upset by it. Or by being upset that he would pretend everything was fine and then avoided spending any time with me.

I'm really unsure if I should ever even try to make friends. Apparently, I'm a terrible person when people get close to me.

What's weird is that a lot of people I've worked with think I'm this wonderful hilarious person. Even the one who saw me exhibit a negative emotion.

If I've learned anything from this relationship though, it's not to exhibit negative emotions and take what you're given needs-wise and don't complain. That makes everything about me.

[ShadowGX]

Ahh sorry, I misunderstood then. >.<' How much is ok to need is a very difficult question I don't really have a confident answer to. Maybe someone else can better answer that. Thing is, what might be an ok level to some people might not be ok to others... I think it's one of those things where different people need more or less and that's just how it is, it doesn't make us bad for needing more. What makes us "bad" is if we choose to mistreat people to try to get more love instead of doing the healthy thing and talking to them about it or trying to find someone better for us.

What I can say with confidence is that the things I've pointed out are not right. No matter what, you should not distance yourself from your partner when things are going wrong, you should be trying to work it out or just end the relationship - don't linger and keep stringing that person along because you've got no balls to end it. That part at least is on him because you cannot force him to talk to you and with full honesty. You're not a mind reader.

As for this... "If I've learned anything from this relationship though, it's not to exhibit negative emotions and take what you're given needs-wise and don't complain."
No, you gotta stop that mindset right now. Don't get trapped in that "settle for what I can get" thought pattern. That's exactly how people like us get trapped in awful relationships, by settling and faking because we don't think we deserve better. You do deserve better. We all do. I might not believe it myself sometimes, so I kind of feel like a hypocrite typing that... At the very least I'm sure that we don't deserve to be mistreated, lied to, strung along, etc.

[Skull&Crossbones]

Originally Posted by ShadowGX

Ahh sorry, I misunderstood then. >.<' How much is ok to need is a very difficult question I don't really have a confident answer to. Maybe someone else can better answer that. Thing is, what might be an ok level to some people might not be ok to others... I think it's one of those things where different people need more or less and that's just how it is, it doesn't make us bad for needing more. What makes us "bad" is if we choose to mistreat people to try to get more love instead of doing the healthy thing and talking to them about it or trying to find someone better for us.

What I can say with confidence is that the things I've pointed out are not right. No matter what, you should not distance yourself from your partner when things are going wrong, you should be trying to work it out or just end the relationship - don't linger and keep stringing that person along because you've got no balls to end it. That part at least is on him because you cannot force him to talk to you and with full honesty. You're not a mind reader.

As for this... "If I've learned anything from this relationship though, it's not to exhibit negative emotions and take what you're given needs-wise and don't complain."
No, you gotta stop that mindset right now. Don't get trapped in that "settle for what I can get" thought pattern. That's exactly how people like us get trapped in awful relationships, by settling and faking because we don't think we deserve better. You do deserve better. We all do. I might not believe it myself sometimes, so I kind of feel like a hypocrite typing that... At the very least I'm sure that we don't deserve to be mistreated, lied to, strung along, etc.

It's not just that I don't deserve better, it's just that better doesn't exist. I'm not attractive, so except for him, I've had to go with strangers and begging friends to do sexual things with me. Nobody I'm really attracted to is going to want me. I did feel something when he kissed me at least and he has been the first and only person I enjoyed kissing. Nobody that I have a strong physical desire for is going to want me. Unfortunately, I don't seem to have a strong physical attraction to anyone in my league, or is available, or even into girls. Sexually, we didn't really work. He could never get me off no matter how hard we tried and intercourse rarely happened and was almost never satisfying if it did. I don't even know if I should try again with a guy. I don't really want to have sex with a random guy, but it's not like I have any guy friends to beg for it anymore. Maybe I'm just gay and just have urges for certain guys for some reason.

If I thought I'd ever have sex again outside of with strangers, I would have probably left before. But again, he's really the only one who finds me attractive enough to have sex with and more than once.

"No matter what, you should not distance yourself from your partner when things are going wrong, you should be trying to work it out or just end the relationship - don't linger and keep stringing that person along because you've got no balls to end it."

I think he just felt bad for me. I don't really have anyone else. Fortunately, he's going to stay my friend so I won't be completely alone and I won't have to quit the one band I still play with because he's in it. I've already been excluded from all the other ones we used to play with or that I wanted to play with (he still plays with them). He's not able to do confrontation either, but we do still love each other and he was just looking for a way to let me down as easy as possible. This way, we can still be friends, as we should have been from the beginning.

And why don't I deserve to be mistreated, lied to, strung along, etc.? I'm pretty awful. I'm difficult, needy, and pathetic. I don't have any close friends. Partly because I didn't want to get close to more people I would just lose, partly because I was afraid I would be tempted to cheat, and partly because if I started building a solid social life, he would have left me because then he wouldn't feel so bad about abandoning me.

I just wish he couldn't have waited longer. Crumbs are better than nothing. Even if we are friends, the loneliness of never being able to have sex unless it's with strangers, sleeping alone, and living alone will always be a huge hole. Even if I had tons of friends, it would never fill that gaping hole. I've always been so lonely, but at least it wasn't killing me as much when we were together. Even though I don't have any desire to have sex with him, never being able to sleep with him and have breakfast with him again hurts me so much.

[ShadowGX]

I know the feeling of "I'm too ugly" too... I get turned down a lot for my looks. After I took my picture off of the site I found for geeks to date on, suddenly people are talking to me again. =\ I've also been straight up told that I wasn't good looking enough or ignored conveniently when I showed people what I look like... I also don't have any drive to do sexual things with random people, I absolutely need an emotional connection first, so that makes me much less interesting since guys are so sex oriented.

I'm unsure of what else to say and I think me saying you're not trash is doing what it would do to me and just making you dig your heels in, so here's a hug instead of more pushing. I hope things can improve for you.

[Skull&Crossbones]

I'm just thinking there's no point developing feelings before I know which sex I'm okay with being my only sexual option for the rest of my life. I'd really like to experience intercourse, but that might be one act I need some sort of connection to feel okay about. I just don't see how men I'm attracted to would be interested in me, even though I'm all for sex outside of a relationship and I'm generally into things most men WISH women would be into. I keep wondering if I should be looking into couples, since there would be way less competition.

It also has seemed that women are more attracted to me than men, but they may be harder to find. I'm just afraid I'm going to do something stupid because of how sexually starved I feel.

[Skull&Crossbones]

It really sucks to be abandoned at the worst possible time. And to know that he would rather be alone than be with me is even more hurtful.

Just to leave me vulnerable like this...where I would take anyone or sleep with anyone (I gave him my virginity so it's not like I have anything to save anymore). That's if anyone would have me. Now that I have sexual experience (and most of it being negative), I lose a lot of value. Not to mention what my age does to my value.

It's too bad that I got a glimpse of what a sex life could be like just to have to be completely celibate for the rest of my life.

Not to mention not having anybody I love or anybody important in my life. Thank goodness I wasn't dying to have kids. I went into this relationship knowing that this was it, my only shot. And I failed like I do at everything.

And what's the point of a life without love, sex, or companionship?

[Notthatmean]

I have just recently discovered that I have BPD. When I read the original post I couldn’t help but cry because it’s EXACTLY what I’m going through right now. I’ve been with my boyfriend for eight years and I’m trying to get him to understand what BPD is and he can support me. He knows that I can’t remember things I say and do when I’m having an episode but he continuously tells me that I don’t have BPD. He says it’s blind rage and I just need to stop because he can’t take it anymore. I love him with all my heart and was hoping to marry him someday. I know because of my BPD I am the one that has ruined our relationship. I can’t get help because I have no money and my state insurance is crap. I’ve considered just walking away from him but I then get so depressed without him I can’t function. Has anyone been through this before? What do I do???