[Crackersmonkey]

Let me start by saying while I am suicidal in the grand theme of things, I do not have any current intent to harm myself. nevertheless, ...

I'm in crisis at the moment and have never been in this position before. I'm currently diagnosed bipolar. A series of major stresses including major damage to my marriage, has caused the web of lies and self deception I live in to come crumbling down. I feel like the emperor with no clothes. I finally was able to see the real me, and it is not pretty. It is clearly BPD I hit all the criteria in spades. I've hidden my true nature deeply, lying and manipulating constantly. Opening my eyes to the real me has abruptly taken away what little sense of self I had. It has made me question everything. I'm completely unable to process any emotions right now.

I live in NYC where there should be plenty of options. Everyplace, I call says no or doesn't take my insurance, or doesn't call back. I've called major hospitals psych urgent care line and have been seemingly brushed off. My psychiatrist basically indicated that if this isnt a medication issue she cant help.

Where do I go? I don't/cant go to the hospital inpatient. I will absolutely kill myself if that happens. Nothing scares me more than inpatient psych treatment. There seems to be nothing else out there for me. I need some ****ing handholding and direction, I need a plan. I can't do this on my own.

[Lemoncake]

Hey.

I'm here and willing to listen if you want to talk things though.

The main thing is to keep yourself safe. I went back home when I got really bad. But I've had many crying phone calls to my brother, but have also reached out and emailed helplines if I didn't want to talk to them directly.

In the meantime I literally just collapse into bed and try to distract myself watching hours of youtube videos or documentaries.

Do you have any family or friends?

[piggy momma]

I'm so sorry you're struggling. I understand the feeling of being suicidal in the grand scheme of things, just not right now. It's a difficult way to live, yet a reality for most of us.

What about online counselling? Is that an option? If you are in crisis can your psychiatrist look at your meds and see if they need to be adjusted?

I used to think accessibility wasn't a huge issue. I've since learned it's a major issue, especially when insurance is involved.

I hope you can get through this.

[Skeezyks]

As an interim measure, while you're continuing to try to find in-real-life treatment, would the kind of 1:1 interaction that is offered either by The Haven or 7 Cups of Tea be of any help? Here are links to these forums:

The Haven

Online Therapy & Free Counseling, Someone To Talk To | 7 Cups

[Unforgiven1]

I also understand the thoughts of suicide, although,I'm not familiar with bipolar pd, I do know what a borderline is like. For myself, I would be willing to talk you thru this crisis if you like, I need someone to vent to myself. I WI send a pm

[AzulOscuro]

Please, don’t be so hard on yourself. I can guess you are scare bc you finally could see a part of you who is needy, scared and took bad choices bc “she” was kind of self-protecting, I know it, not in a right way for others and yourself.
There’s more. There’s a part of you that you can’t see at these moments bc of fear and sadness.
The only single humble step you gave by recognising that something is not working properly, it’s already worthy. Not everyone is ready to do such a thing.

[*Laurie*]

One action I can suggest, and I know it isn't easy, but try actually going in person to at least some of the places you hope to get help from. it's amazing how helpful receptionists can be in person. They simply cannot blow you off like they can by phone. And, in person, don't allow them to say, "We'll call you". NO. I need help NOW.