[Becoming]

Hey everyone,

I have been having HUGE struggles with fear of abandonment for years. Right now it's not as bad as it used to be, however, it is effecting my relationships with people in general.

Looking back at the last two years or so, I have lost so many people. And I know a lot of the losses were my fault. I have the "I will leave you before you leave me" response. Basically I will self sabotage the relationship. I start to think I don't matter (especially if they haven't spoken to me or made any effort to hang out). After that, I'll usually "test" the person if they're not willing to talk about whatever the issue is. I'll be like "oh well, since you don't care about me, bye." Sometimes I give them a chance to respond. Other times I just immediately block them believing I'm better off without them.

In my last relationship, my girlfriend would complain that I was constantly pushing her away. I had no idea how. And I kind of still have no idea. So, I don't know how to fix that at all. We are considering getting back together but she's also trying to find new people to talk to. I'm afraid she will choose someone else over me. And that Fear of Abandonment really pushes me to want to lash out at her or just be like "let's not even think. You go have fun with whatever new girlfriend or boyfriend you find. You obviously don't need me."

How can I get a handle on this? I'm tired of losing people due to me being afraid to lose them. I mean, I don't actually want people to leave. But it's a battle of testing them to see if they will stay. Most of the time they don't stay. See? Self sabotage.

Any advice or help? I REALLY need to stop doing this sort of thing. I'll end up even more lonely and probably single for the majority of my life. I just can't seem to tackle this symptom. It doesn't go away.

[piggy momma]

Have you read the book “I Hate You! Don’t Leave Me!”? You might find it really insightful.