[AzulOscuro]

I have been finding hard to see if I display this criterium that is in the end the core of bpd, according to many experts.
How and which do you recognised in?

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

I have been finding hard to see if I display this criterium that is in the end the core of bpd, according to many experts.
How and which do you recognised in?

My god! My apologies bc I didn’t express myself well in the title. The truth is that my head has been spinning this topic for quite a while and I have lots of doubts about it so, I neither got to express myself well.

I didn’t want to say « poor or lack of self », instead: Poor, lack or diffusion SENSE of self.
Sorry again.

[elevatedsoul]

Seems like i cant describe myself
or know what i want, like, dislike

favorites? I dont know any favorites of mine
nothing is ever the same

to feel good about myself
and in turn feel bad about myself over the same things

feel unreal or nonexistent, inhuman

[AzulOscuro]

Thank you very much for your insight and your bravery.

[MobiusPsyche]

If you suddenly love a movie or band because someone you like expresses their admiration for them.... And you're not sure if this person just tuned you into something great that you were missing out on, or if you love this new thing just because the other person does.

I think it manifests most in ways like this, that your preferences or passions keep changing all the time and are conflicting. If your values change like one month you hate drug abusers and think they're worthless but then you meet a guy you like who happens to use drugs and your values completely change. Or if you're a Christian and then meet a new best friend who is an atheist and you stop going to church. Those would be signs of a lack of a sense of self.

In most people, their identity is fairly stable over time once they've passed adolescence. In those of us with BPD, it can shift suddenly for reasons we don't quite understand and we might not even notice the shifts or see them as contradictory.

[AzulOscuro]

I see. It sounds like a person with bpd mainly have the need to be accepted and be appreciate by others, no matter what they have to change. It’s like a sacrifice they did denying their own self-worth.

Thank you very much. Thank you for being so brave.

I display a little of all that have been said by elevated soul and you. What I don’t know is up to what point is normal or is a disorder.

[MobiusPsyche]

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

I display a little of all that have been said by elevated soul and you. What I don’t know is up to what point is normal or is a disorder.

I think it depends on your age and developmental level. If you're 19 or 20, some of this is normal because you're still trying out identities and deciding what fits for you. If you're 36 and it's still happening frequently, then it's definitely a feature of BPD.

Also consider how distressing this is to you, and how it impacts your relationships with others. If it doesn't bother you, and it doesn't bug anybody else, then don't worry about it. But if other people are commenting on it, or if it bothers you, it might be a feature of BPD.

[AzulOscuro]

Thanks a lot!


Definitely, I’m not a teenager. Although, I consider myself at the same level of maturity. Lol!
I’m a very easily influenced person. I have my likes, preferences and values but sometimes, when I want to connect, I put a great effort to find common points and areas to share with this that I consider a especial person.
Sometimes, I’m too much flexible, in my opinion. I doubt about everything.

The worst part is social phobia and depression as a product of not liking myself and putting others before me.

[elevatedsoul]

Im 29

the one thing that doesnt change is my desire for stability, independence, financial security, my own house, intelligent friends rather than the simple minded

To me all those things feel like one, feels like only way to achieve those things i have to find myself.. but i dont know where i am or how to?
Creates a disturbing sense of doom... but i have nothing else to do with my time, so may as well humor the dreams

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Mostly - it's like you identify who you are through someone or something else.

ie someone I care about is sad - therefore I must be sad too

Or

This movie is funny therefore I must be happy and laugh

Or to the more extreme
Someone says "My dad just went to the football game and got in an accident on the way home, I need to go to the hospital." - Therefore - "Wow! Do you need me to drive you there? I know what that's like, how stressful it can be. I hope your Dad is ok. Please let me know if he's ok."

(You take on the emotion and/or imagine yourself in the circumstance of the other person in order to identify yourself and your emotions.)

At least that's the best I can describe it

[Unforgiven1]

I don't remember were I heard this, but I have heard this being compared to being a chameleon, because we,as borderline personality disorder do not have our own real personality so we adopt others personality traits. I find the term chameleon very fitting

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

Mostly - it's like you identify who you are through someone or something else.

ie someone I care about is sad - therefore I must be sad too

Or

This movie is funny therefore I must be happy and laugh

Or to the more extreme
Someone says "My dad just went to the football game and got in an accident on the way home, I need to go to the hospital." - Therefore - "Wow! Do you need me to drive you there? I know what that's like, how stressful it can be. I hope your Dad is ok. Please let me know if he's ok."

(You take on the emotion and/or imagine yourself in the circumstance of the other person in order to identify yourself and your emotions.)

At least that's the best I can describe it

That’s very interesting! I always wondered why I identify so much and so easily with what other people are going through. I imagined it was normal bc of empathy or sensitivity but I see now that it’s more like influency, affected...since I’m not able to go beyond or commit with a deeper relation.
Thank you!

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by Unforgiven1

I don't remember were I heard this, but I have heard this being compared to being a chameleon, because we,as borderline personality disorder do not have our own real personality so we adopt others personality traits. I find the term chameleon very fitting

Me too. I read about this comparison.
Do you really think that you don’t have a personality? Couldn’t it be so hidden and denied bc somehow you saw it invalidated from the outside when you were a kid?

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

That’s very interesting! I always wondered why I identify so much and so easily with what other people are going through. I imagined it was normal bc of empathy or sensitivity but I see now that it’s more like influency, affected...since I’m not able to go beyond or commit with a deeper relation.
Thank you!

You're welcome. Sometimes I don't see it as an inherently bad thing - as long as you don't take it to an unhealthy extreme where you are more or less living the other person's life - which can be a very easy thing to do if you do not control it at all. But it can also allow you to help others through their own issues .. So yea, it's a double edged sword.

[AzulOscuro]

Yes. I totally agree with you. You have to be very cautious bc if you let yourself to be overwhelmed with others’ issues, there is no helpful movement. You get stuck for your own issues and bc of the other people’s ones. It’s a catch 22 situation.
The best is to try to be yourself as much as possible and as strong as you can, that way everyone wins.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

Yes. I totally agree with you. You have to be very cautious bc if you let yourself to be overwhelmed with others’ issues, there is no helpful movement. You get stuck for your own issues and bc of the other people’s ones. It’s a catch 22 situation.
The best is to try to be yourself as much as possible and as strong as you can, that way everyone wins.

Exactly - and that's what can be extremely difficult with BPD unless you have been taught how to control your thoughts, behaviors, and emotions

[AbladeintheMeadow]

I have been pondering this thread for an hour or more because I wanted to reply.

Unforgiven 1 I totally identify with the chameleon thing too.

I am also guilty of living another person's life because I take on their likes, their emotions...

People tell me I'm not the person I was. That's because I was a different set of likes & emotions then.

I have no clue who I am.

[AbladeintheMeadow]

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

The best is to try to be yourself as much as possible and as strong as you can, that way everyone wins.

Hey AzulOcuro thank you for this thread.

I don't know how to word this without it coming out wrong & I truly only want to ask this from a genuine position of not knowing where to start & I'm not expecting you to answer it, it's open to anyone who might be able to share their experiences.

How do I be myself when I don't know who me is? I turn into others. The music they like, the hobbies they do, the way they dress...I have no idea who I am, what I like doing...

[AzulOscuro]

You’re very welcome. Since I knew that Dr Grande shares the opinion with other experts that the core for bpd is very luckily to be a poor sense of self, I’m very interested in this topic, why it takes place and what it involves.
Thanks to you for your reply.
Indeed, I think to remember that I already wrote here another thread about it.

[Unforgiven1]

Originally Posted by AbladeintheMeadow

Hey AzulOcuro thank you for this thread.

I don't know how to word this without it coming out wrong & I truly only want to ask this from a genuine position of not knowing where to start & I'm not expecting you to answer it, it's open to anyone who might be able to share their experiences.

How do I be myself when I don't know who me is? I turn into others. The music they like, the hobbies they do, the way they dress...I have no idea who I am, what I like doing...

I'm really not sure why we do these things you have described. As I mentioned earlier, bpds don't really have their own true personality, I mean, maybe we do but its like total amnesia to know what are personality traits are. To put it simpler, what interests I have personally had in life, I never really knew why I was interested in them to begin with therefore I never really had a true interest to begin with. It was like a foreign concept that I could never explain to myself. I don't know if all bpds go through this across the board or if its hit and miss with people. I personally have no recollection of anything resembling my own personality without it involving someone else's personality traits. I have been this way ever since I was a very small child maybe 4-5 yo. The only thing I do remember from that time in my life, I was always "different". I always wanted to die even at that young of an age to present day. That's not a personality trait though.

[AzulOscuro]

Don’t renounce to know yourself. Everybody has worn a more or less heavy mask. Maybe in bpd people is bc of the shame to be and show up as we really are.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

There is no shame at all. It's more like a knowledge and empathy of and for others - and more of a haze of and for yourself bc you were never able to fully grow your own personality as a child for whatever reason .. abuse, neglect, severe tradgedy, etc; you had to focus on survival of your circumstances, you could not focus on maturing as you should have. So not that you are an adult - you only have a partial form of what is you .. and try to fill in the blank with what is everyone else. It's hard to discover who you are if you don't have any clue how to figure that out but it's easy to fall back on what you know - how to blend in ... and take it one step further, and actually incorporate it into our lives. I hope that kind of clarifies it for you.

[AzulOscuro]

Very clarifying. Indeed I always described myself as a very inmature person. Guess it’s bc of my holes, blank spaces in self and identity.

[AzulOscuro]

Thanks a lot. I’m very grateful for all your insight in this topic. Thank you all!

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

You're welcome ❤