[Abyssanctum]

Hello everyone.
I have no diagnosis so I prefer to post here.

I'm almost seventeen years old, and I have a boyfriend to support me. I have already post on the forum but my English is bad and my thoughts are messy. I'm tired and feel more and more violent against others: I don't want to be violent but I'm very scared. Sometimes my bf says that I'm a hedgehog, that I protect myself at the slightest danger. At times, I feel strangely superior and stronger than others, I insult them so much I feel powerful. I want to apologize, and I can have calm discussions, but a the slightest problem I get out of control.
If I don't scream, I dissociate and I'm empty, sometimes I bleed.
For a few months now I've been afraid of abandonment and my only friend is paying for it now. I don't even know if he wants to be my friend anymore. I can blackmail my bf until I talk to my suicide. And when I'm in deep anger, I can say horrible things and I know where to hurt him. Now everyone sees me as a monster, even when I try to explain myself – I'm a monster I think.
My bf is perfect, sometimes he's my angel; sometimes I see him as the Devil who wants to hurt me, I don't know why. And my emotions are unbearable and never grey.


In fact I'm lost.
I have many other problems, I know I'm unbearable. And I have no courage to write it all down. I'm afraid I'll be killed. I think monsters will kill me. It takes me a while to fall asleep sometimes. My motivation stinks of ****. I get very bored some days, I color to beat that – yes, like a child. When I dissociate I hurt my hands. Whatever.

I'm sorry if I'm not in the right place, if I don't write enough, if I'm boring, if I'm horrible.
I need help so much but I don't know where to start. My social relationships are smoke.