I want ...

but I am not sure anymore if its from my BPD, depression, anxiety, or PTSD.. all of them are being triggered and it's killing me.

BPD and depression are like totally triggered at the moment .. but since I have "psychotic depression" - I am not even sure if the psychosis is from the BPD or the depression. I just know its back. Not as bad as it used to be though. So far it's just flickering images or bugs that don't really freak me out much. It used to be people.. goblin type creatures .. and once, a full scene (my whole view changed). The people and creatures used to talk to me to degrade me .. make me feel bad about myself - except there was one .. that just glared at me. But like I said - for now, this .. is just flickering images or bugs. So I am thankful for that but still wish it would go away.

I know my BPD is full on again though bc I cannot control the black n white thinking. I used to have that under complete control. Didn't even have to think about it anymore. I am back to the abandonment issues everytime my husband leaves the house, even just to get something out of the car - I freak out. But then there is the suicidal ideation - could be depression, PTSD, anxiety, BPD. Even getting urges to SI back (haven't done that in about 10yrs)... again ... no idea which one that is. Anxiety is full on again too, had a major attack today. The only one that is not full on (yet) is PTSD. How do I differentiate which is which? How do I regain control (can't find a counselor currently)? I am soo confused and really having difficulty getting answers... really going crazy bc of that too - havd 0 patience, turns to self hatred when nobody responds... ugh ... everything I had controlled is coming unwound 🙁🙁🙁