[lucami]

hey.
possible trigger I guess...



So.. For years i've been diagnosed with GAD and agoraphobia, but current psychiatrist added to my diagnosis heavy depression, possible psychotic symptoms, and borderline... i've checked list of borderline symptoms online and well many things makes sense to me now.. but i've got a question about suicidal behavior.. i feel suicidal sometimes, because im homebounded for 8 years already because of damn panic attacks so who wouldn't fall into such dark thoughts.. Never tried to harm myself though. But, for last few months I'm having moments when I have strong depersonalization, derealization, and feel kind of urges to kill myself? it's like external force would be pushing me strongly to jump from a balcony etc, I kind of 'see' in my imagination that i'm doing it etc.. It's creeps me out.. so anyway my question is, does something like that could come from borderline disorder? my dear grandpa passed away 19th march.. i'm still going crazy emotional, can't cope with loss.. jump from terrible grief into denial etc.. i wonder if not coping with loss of someone so close to me and borderline could cause this horrible feelings of external "force" pushing me?
My psychotherapist knows about it btw. he says he thinks i'm not psychotic, nor schizophrenic etc.. but I'm scared what if i'll lose control over myself and do something terrible someday? what if i'm possessed or crazy-crazy? so i'm looking for some i don't know, reassurance I guess...
I don't take any meds besides iodine for thyroid, tried antidepressants, ssri, benzo before but nothing ever worked for me well..

[cherrya]

Suicidal tendencies is definitely something a lot of people with BPD can relate to. Personally I can really relate to what you said about seeing yourself do it, although perhaps each person's take on it may differ.


The way I do it is kind of like self-harm, I can picture myself do it, feel it, and it calms me down. I do it often somewhat against my will. Other than there were times when I had something like an attack, and I almost actually jumped out of my balcony. Why? I don't really know. It was a bit after my diagnosis and I just thought that it would make me feel or stop feeling, I don't even know. It was very confusing. I actually walked towards it thinking "whatever happens happens" when an inhumane cry from my apartment staircase made me jump and sort of got me out of that claustrophobic mindset. I still don't know what it was, but it did bring me back to earth.


It hasn't happened as strongly lately but I guess this experience helps. I'm not actually diagnosed with depression, I don't actually want to die. I just have periods when bad emotions get to strong and I want to shut them out.


I hope this doesn't make you feel worse. I hope this actually helps make you realize that you're not alone and a lot of us can feel what you're feeling too. But just because we have those emotions doesn't mean that we have to act on it. I know this might be a very controversial movie & thing to say in here, so take this with a grain of salt. If it helps you like it helped me, good! If not ignore this. I watched Girl Interrupted a day after my diagnosis and at one point the doctor who's caring for the BPD character tells her this "You are a lazy, self-indulgent, little girl, who is making herself crazy." Maybe this is a very harsh thing to say, but it's kind of true for me. I'm smart enough to realise that self-harm of doing myself pain will not fix anything, but I still do it because it feels good. I need to take more control in my life and stop those loud voices because I do have the power to.

[FracturedPieces]

Dissociation I believe. I have the same experience. Me vs the enemy inside my head. The only thing that helps is distraction and keeping myself out of situations where I could act when I feel that way. Im a bit useless for advice, but it isnt just you.

[Fuzzybear]

[TheMayz]

Lamictal 300mg XR, Bupropion 450mg XR, Doxepin 75mg, Aderall 20mg twice daily

Somewhat cross posted in r/bipolar. About 2 years ago, after numerous depression meds that didn't work, I saw a psychiatrist that did an analysis that said bipolar 2. Now I have felt better to an extent, even to the point if finally starting community college instead of saying its implausible. I'm not socially uncomfortable at all, in fact I am a manager with food service at a hospital, but I am very shy personally outside of work.

That said, my life has evened out. I got out of a pretty bad relationship about a year ago. She was pretty physically/mentally abusive, but honestly I still cry and miss her, and by cry I mean i just did this morning. This is a good thing as before her, I had 2 relationships that lasted 4 years each that I never cried about or even really cared when they ended. In fact from around age 12 I never cried about anything. Relationships, step brother and roommates suicides, grandparents deaths. So crying and feeling that emotion is calming.

Now the problem is still daily. Although never to the extreme, my mood changes constantly. Not daily. Not hourly. Almost in intervals of 10, 20, 30 minutes what have you. I am typically a little anxious but normally calm, but usually a more negative mood. Sometimes I get frustrated or very anxious randomly (sense of impending dread for no reason, but not panic attacks), to awesome bouts of almost mania feelings of happiness. They come and go as things happen throughout the day. I've always been kinda wierd, awkward whatever, but I'm trying to find out why, and why my mood changes like this. The mental abuse of my ex also has made me very weak mentally. I have a date from tinder tonight and though I will go, i am already subconsciously ready for her to dismiss me. Also, I occassionally think I would feel better off meds, but then I think back to how I am in school and doing better.

I just want to hear advice, or similar situations if anybody has some. I appreciate your time reading this.

[lucami]

cherrya oh damn, that sounds scary I also have this kind of 'movie' in my head, seeing in my imagination how i stab myself or jump from balcony.. but more often it's like this damn external force pushing me to do this and it makes me feel so crazy.. so scared that i may lose control and do something stupid.. yeah it's sad that others have to go through this too. but at the same time it's a lil bit comforting that i'm not alone..
'just because we have those emotions doesn't mean that we have to act on it' that's what i hear quite often on support groups tbh.. but i'm scared that i may act on it not because i want to, but because crazy mind would force me to..

FracturedPieces thanks i'm trying to distract myself with cleaning up etc, but daqmn it's so hard.. got this feelings/thoughts practically 24/7 lately.. i guess being left alone because my parents went on vacation makes it worse.. gotta survive 2 weeks more somehow but it's so hard and scary.. about 2 h ago this feeling came back so strongly i was scared and thought that maybe i should call mental hospital or something.. right now feeling so unreal and having this projections or killing myself with knife in my stupid head.