Possible Quiet BPD

I’m not sure if I have bpd. I haven’t been diagnosed or even talked to my therapist about it yet. But I had some questions about it. I’ve heard a lot about splitting, but what I’ve heard doesn’t seem to fit me. I don’t think I really split on other people. But, for example, if I text a friend and they don’t text me back right away I’ll start to think that they hate me and are pretending to be my friend to be nice. I’ll start to attack myself and start to tell myself I’m stupid for believing someone would care about me. Is it possible to split this way? On oneself? Once the person replies I’ll usually be fine. This also happens more with the person I suspect to be my FP. It doesn’t usually happen with family. When this person replies to me, I’m usually very happy and calm. Once the conversation stops I kind of feel down again, and the feelings build until I talk to this person again. Another thing is that I have OCD and a fear of throwing up. I tend to self medicate with alcohol when things get tough, but I usually don’t drink enough to where I get sick because of the fears associated with OCD. In addition to drinking I also impulsively eat, drive recklessly, and self-harm. Although usually when I self-harm in the back of mind I’m thinking that I have an excuse to talk to my FP. I tend to hold off as long as possible before texting this person because I’m afraid of bothering them. When I think a year into the future, I can’t see myself friends with this person because I ‘know’ they’ll forget about me. Also, I have no idea if I have a pattern of intense relationships because I tend to isolate myself. The last intense relationship I had was a few years ago. Since then I’ve had acquaintances that I’ve kept at arms length even though I’ve longed to get closer to them. It’s a struggle to be myself around people and I never really seem like I’m fully myself. I also go through these periods where I have no idea who I’m actually supposed to be. I have no idea what my personality is or how I’m supposed to act around people. A lot of the time I’ll feel like God has forgotten about me and I’m not meant to have meaningful relationships. I’ll also go from hobby to hobby looking to fill this empty feeling of loneliness I have. I’ve gone from woodworking, to soap making, to knitting, to reading, to learning different instruments. I’ve tried arts and crafts, I have bought parts of book series that I’ve forgotten about, I have unopened packages of seeds from a garden I planned to start a year ago, I know bits and pieces of different languages because I’ve been on kicks to learn them. Anyway, sorry for the rambling. Does this sound like BPD to you? I’d appreciate any insight. Thanks!

Hello Knitting: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. I see this is your first post. So... welcome to Psych Central.

We here on PC cannot suggest mental health diagnoses. However perhaps other PC members, who have been diagnosed as having BPD, will recognize some of their own experiences in what you wrote & will want to share them. You titled your post: "Possible Quiet BPD". Family therapist, Kati Morton, has a video on her You Tube channel on the subject of the quiet borderline. Here's a link just in case you're not familiar with it:



And then here are links to 3 articles, from Psych Central's archives, on the subject of BPD:

Borderline Personality Disorder: Symptoms & Treatments

Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

6 Gifts of Borderline Personality Disorder

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

Welcome to pc

Hi, Knitting27, and welcome to psych central! You mentioned you had a therapist - I'd recommend that you print out your post, and take it to them. Sounds like a great jumping off point, to begin discussion with them. From my perspective, you did an excellent job in spelling out issues that are troubling you - and a good therapist can help you untangle and decipher what's going on.

You were asking specifically about splitting - and expressed concerns that what splitting is, doesn't seem to fit you. I'm not sure what you are thinking of, when you think of "splitting". From what you described, it sounds more like what I would call "attachment issues" - and either way, could or might not be BPD related. It's not uncommon for those of us with BPD to have other issues, also (like your OCD, my PTSD, etc.) - so unraveling what is causing what, and what therapy is best for this or that, is definitely where professional help comes into play!

One thing to keep in mind, with ANY diagnosis, or potential diagnosis, is,.....you don't have to have every single symptom, to have the condition. As my therapist likes to put it, conditions are on a "spectrum". Some are low level, some people are high level. What's important is where YOU are, and what help will benefit you. One common thing about BPD, I'm constantly seeing is, learning as much about it as possible, from reputable sources, will help you. So in addition to discussing your post with your therapist, I would also recommend checking out those links Skeezyks listed. Good luck on your journey, and again, welcome!

Hi Knitting. Obviously this is an old post and you may be (hopefully are) in a better placed now. I can't diagnose you either but from what you wrote it sounds like a lot of things I've read about quiet BPD. As far as the "splitting" goes, with quiet BPD you split yourself - not others. You think of yourself as completely worthless, without any redemptive possibilities. Like just about everything with BPD though, it's transitory. A fundamental tenet of BPD is the inability to maintain emotional states. They can change, literally on a dime.

I don't know where you are on your journey but I hope you are doing well.

Hi Knitting. Obviously this is an old post and you may be (hopefully are) in a better placed now. I can't diagnose you either but from what you wrote it sounds like a lot of things I've read about quiet BPD. As far as the "splitting" goes, with quiet BPD you split yourself - not others. You think of yourself as completely worthless, without any redemptive possibilities. Like just about everything with BPD though, it's transitory. A fundamental tenet of BPD is the inability to maintain emotional states. They can change, literally on a dime.

I don't know where you are on your journey but I hope you are doing well.