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lavendersage
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Default Aug 24, 2020 at 11:31 PM
  #21
Exactly!
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Michael2Wolves
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Default Oct 02, 2020 at 06:42 PM
  #22
I dunno...I've always suspected I have BPD because it's not just normal troughing-peaking of bipolar. I could always tell when my bipolar would come on, but it seems to have morphed into something worse, and I have all the symptoms and then some. And every relationship I've had since getting out of the joint 7 years ago has been unstable and crumbled. Paranoia? Check. Emotional instability? Check. Inability to regulate emotions? Oh, yeah--that rage tastes so...delicious...when I am self-harming (usually through trying to grab my head as though it's someone else's and run it through a wall or punching myself in the face), which naturally makes any real relationship impossible. Who tf wants to date someone who will smash themselves up at the slightest provocation? It's literally like a light switch, and I am sure, terrifying to behold to anyone other than myself at how quickly that change will happen.

So...I just gave up. I don't bother seeking anyone anymore. I can't afford therapy, and I will never take medication again. Ever. The days of me playing guinea pig are over. I have no reason to do DBT because IDGAF about myself; if I had someone else as a reason to do it for, maybe, but for simple self-improvement? Psh. Nah, that darker side of me prefers to stay in control when it is in control--that thing inside of my head I call the wolf. I think this is mainly because I get it done, and then what? Nothing in my external circumstances change. I just feel better about living a dead-end life that I cannot escape from for a variety of legal reasons. So why bother? Now, I just watch 'em walk by and look away.

I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes...
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singularity01
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Default Oct 26, 2020 at 01:25 PM
  #23
Well, I'm not certain that I have BPD, but I feel like I might. I feel the most stressed by my friendships right now to point where I think I might try just not communicating with friends for a while. I am very back and forth with my friends. I have been married for 18 years now. I do not feel the same kind of stress in my relationship with my husband because I feel like he knows me. He's the only person that I think does. If it was a new relationship, I think I would feel that stress though. Also, we separated a few years ago and that was terrible for me... trying to establishment new relationships was incredibly hard for me. I know now that my husband is the best person for me to be with. I think I would be a complete mess all the time with I wasn't with him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by psyche89007 View Post
I guess I consider myself a high-functioning Borderline. I do very well mostly when I'm on my own or just with friends and I'm getting much better at setting boundaries and communicating with friends. The healthy emotional distance required/expected right off the bat with friendship also makes that easier. I am better than before at resolving conflicts at work and coping with daily stressors.


But I feel like my 'crazy' comes out when I take a lover or date. I get involved emotionally WAY too fast and I have no idea how to draw boundaries. I hate that the intimacy I crave so intensely is also what destroys my sanity, consumes me, sometimes keeps me up at night wondering if I'm enough and if this relationship will drag me down to the depths of hell or 'reinvent' me into a better person which is also a crock of sh/t but god, that's what I want.


The issues go on and on: Trying think for the other person/play detective, expecting the worst, paranoia about their loyalty, et cetera. My behaviors make me feel guilty, embarrassed, and ashamed of myself. The fear of being vulnerable and sharing things about myself, or my body, and then being betrayed or ignored and so on makes me unhappy and always on edge.


And the terror of potential rejection or breaking up is always on the back of my mind ... the inability to see what's ahead, constantly trying to spot 'danger' or warning signs, just leads to more inner turmoil. It is SO exhausting. I wish I knew how to be NORMAL in a relationship!!!!


Anyone else relate?
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Atypical_Disaster
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Default Oct 29, 2020 at 09:17 AM
  #24
I don’t have BPD but put me in a relationship and I act like a total psycho.
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Dycana
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Trig Dec 14, 2020 at 02:29 PM
  #25
Quote:
Originally Posted by psyche89007 View Post
I guess I consider myself a high-functioning Borderline. I do very well mostly when I'm on my own or just with friends and I'm getting much better at setting boundaries and communicating with friends. The healthy emotional distance required/expected right off the bat with friendship also makes that easier. I am better than before at resolving conflicts at work and coping with daily stressors.


But I feel like my 'crazy' comes out when I take a lover or date. I get involved emotionally WAY too fast and I have no idea how to draw boundaries. I hate that the intimacy I crave so intensely is also what destroys my sanity, consumes me, sometimes keeps me up at night wondering if I'm enough and if this relationship will drag me down to the depths of hell or 'reinvent' me into a better person which is also a crock of sh/t but god, that's what I want.


The issues go on and on: Trying think for the other person/play detective, expecting the worst, paranoia about their loyalty, et cetera. My behaviors make me feel guilty, embarrassed, and ashamed of myself. The fear of being vulnerable and sharing things about myself, or my body, and then being betrayed or ignored and so on makes me unhappy and always on edge.


And the terror of potential rejection or breaking up is always on the back of my mind ... the inability to see what's ahead, constantly trying to spot 'danger' or warning signs, just leads to more inner turmoil. It is SO exhausting. I wish I knew how to be NORMAL in a relationship!!!!


Anyone else relate?
I’m exactly the same my dear friend. I’m single and have been for going on 5 years but I’m so lonely. I’m terrified that once I’m in a relationship all my bat **** crazy comes out. I live my life for that person, I don’t have an identity and who I am is a foreign subject. Now being old, I’m angry that I don’t know how to be in a relationship or how to really love a person. I’ve always thought that if I take care of them going out of my way to do so, was loving them but the whole time I never did for myself. I honestly don’t know what love feels like, I know what it isn’t unfortunately.
Possible trigger:


I send you big hugs friend.

Last edited by CANDC; Dec 14, 2020 at 08:08 PM.. Reason: Add trigger code
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Dycana
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Default Dec 14, 2020 at 02:35 PM
  #26
You’re no alone my dear. I’m terrified of being in a relationship due to my disorder...... which comes with a boatload of other issues. It’s been 5 years and I’m lonely yet terrified. I’m on a dating site and when it gets close to meeting...... I cancel. 🥺
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jeremiahgirl
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Default Jan 06, 2021 at 10:58 PM
  #27
I haven’t been in a relationship in a long long time; I struggle with BPD when I’m under stress and my emotions get overwhelming; that’s when I’m most vulnerable. I seriously don’t like that happens. Perhaps it’s better, this way; not having a relationship. Because it’s just me alone with my emotions.

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