[ButterToast]

What does a support system look like when you are trying to pull your life together? What do they say, what don't they say? What do they do, what don't they do? Should you just do it alone?

What did you do to pull your life together?

[ARaven0137]

Hmmm, I can only offer "advice" from my limited perspective of having had a friend whom I believe has BPD along with other things. I can say from that to NOT rely on just one person. My friend destroyed all of his other relationships in, what I believe to be a move to make me his sole source of emotional support. He also tried to alienate me from all of my friends and family in a move to make me entirely dependent upon him for my support. From my perspective it was horrifying and a complete burnout for me. His emotional needs were so vast and intense it was like sipping from a firehose every moment I was with him. So, I would say that a healthy support system would include a number of friends, family and a good therapist. I would say that those people should be aware of what BPD is and what triggers the person. I had no idea I was dealing with BPD until I felt like he was pushing a sand blaster into my face. Knowing that would have altered my reactions. One of the things that I would have changed was that, for months, I ran to him nearly every time he had an outburst or a grand emotional crisis. This, of course, just fed the furnace and I burned out hard at about six months.

I think firm patience would be beneficial. I should have repeatedly pushed responsibility for his actions back on him. Instead, once I burned out I was sarcastic and passive-aggressive, intentionally triggering him as I didn't know it was BPD at the time. He would become unglued if he saw or became aware that I had interacted with a guy. So, I said he was from the Dark Ages and would intentionally talk to guys in front of him. Somewhat satisfying, but, in retrospect, not the right move. I think if the friend or care provider becomes burned out or overwhelmed, there should be a mechanism in place to pass off or to work with the person to bring it back down and involve the therapist. Anyhow, that's my two cents based from my experience.

[TishaBuv]

Ideally, they are caring and supportive without being enabling of your unacceptable behavior (I’m not implying you have any, I don’t know).

In my “support system”, I had some very difficult people to contend with. They were no where near ideal. Some of them were toxic themselves. I feel it was my trying to get along with some of these people was the reason I went to such a negative place that I showed signs of borderline traits and emotional dysregulation. It was exasperating!

I have been working on myself by myself and now have a pdoc who gave me meds, which do help. I can’t even broach the subject with my mother as to her behavior. She says she’s perfect!

Now, I keep a safe distance and shut my mouth. I now know what they are really all about, and I act accordingly. It was shocking at first, because I thought they were all so great. But, they showed me they aren’t great at all.

I had a falling out with several family members and some of them never called me again. One being my sister, who I was always very close with. 55 years old, having what I thought was a great relationship with my sister. She does one very hurtful thing to me, refuses to apologize, and never calls me again. I’ve even reached out a few times and she’s blown me off. Is that a support system? It’s hard to fathom that is family and their ability to turn on you. She obviously has deep seeded issues, too, that I did not realize.

[mountainstream]

I think patience is important. Also firmness perhaps, without being mean and aggressive. I agree that it is unhealthy to have only one person for support.

[mountainstream]

I have no idea. I used to think I understood people, at least a little.