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MsLady
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Default Nov 01, 2020 at 08:49 PM
  #1
If you're in a relationship with someone who presents traits of BPD, is there a way to have conversation about it that doesn't backfire?

Obviously, I'm not a qualified psychologist but I can imagine there are members here who have somehow helped a loved one get a diagnosis.

My partner has been attending therapy, off and on since April. As it turns out, he is focusing his attention on how I'm unable to meet his needs. His therapists (sounds like he's changed them) advise him to spend more one to one time with me, without our toddlers. At this point, I'm pretty reluctant to because of some hardship he's caused within our family (compulsive lying, financial infidelity, covert abuse, and over the top covert reactions).

How do you get someone like this to get assessed for a possible dx if their main goal is to protect their personal image?
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Default Nov 02, 2020 at 04:56 AM
  #2
Are you thinking he has BPD?

The description ‘protect his personal image’ makes me think of narcissism. Just my two cents...

There’s been a lot of question about my having BPD, traits, EDD or maybe it’s just c-PTSD...it doesn’t really matter. Frankly, I am AI— A hole intolerant!

I have no problem discussing it, usually bring it up and into question myself as I am desperately trying to live a decent life. I am totally willing to take responsibility and try to change my faults, and wish the others would do that same...but they won’t.

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Default Nov 02, 2020 at 09:53 AM
  #3
He exhibits traits of 3 different personality disorders. The BPD is hardest on HIM when it comes to him feeling "abandoned" and rejected. Then he'll behave in narcissistic ways.
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Default Nov 02, 2020 at 05:16 PM
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Originally Posted by MsLady View Post
He exhibits traits of 3 different personality disorders. The BPD is hardest on HIM when it comes to him feeling "abandoned" and rejected. Then he'll behave in narcissistic ways.
That must be hard for you to deal with.
I can relate to that trigger and reaction. (My abandonment is real )

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Default Nov 02, 2020 at 08:09 PM
  #5
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
That must be hard for you to deal with.
I can relate to that trigger and reaction. (My abandonment is real )
Thank you. It is challenging at times because I can relate to the term "splitting" very well. When there's a perceived attack or a rejection, I'm treated like a hated ex wife. Demands are placed on me. Text spams spiral out of control. Name calling, blaming, lies.. that's just the tip of it. My reputation is down the drain.
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Default Nov 03, 2020 at 08:52 AM
  #6
“If you're in a relationship with someone who presents traits of BPD, is there a way to have conversation about it that doesn't backfire?”

I’m not an expert on it either, and wasn’t exactly diagnosed BPD. Maybe others want to weigh in.

IMHO, I certainly want to know if I or what I might have and am very open to discussion. I have found it’s the more narcissistic people who don’t want to hear any criticism.

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Default Dec 16, 2020 at 12:55 PM
  #7
Step one: get your own therapist, if you can afford it... caring for a loved one who is experiencing mental ill health is HARD, & you may need advice & support along the way.

Step 2: seek out lived experience wherever you can, as you've done here. There's a wealth of information to be gained from people with a lived experience of mental ill health themselves, & the people who love them. Just be aware that there are a lot of hurt people out there, among family & loved ones of people with BPD, particularly, so you may come across venom here & there from people who are hurting pretty bad after relationship breakdowns, etc. Try to read around that stuff... seek out compassionate perspectives instead - here are some suggestions:
- NEA-BPD's free Family Connections Program: The Family Connections Program | National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder
- Project Air for Personality Disorders Fact Sheets, particularly those in the Families, Partners, & Carers section: Fact sheets - University of Wollongong – UOW
- Author Bon Dobbs' books & his website, based on his experiences of having several loved ones with BPD: Anything to Stop the Pain – Help for partners and parents of people with Borderline Personality Disorder – Non-BPDs by Bon Dobbs

Step 3: diagnosis isn't necessarily the be-all & end-all... seeking assistance, in an effort to improve one's life is sometimes better than seeking a diagnosis, per se, unless said diagnosis is necessary for insurance or similar. Consider the potential negatives, as well as any positives, to attaining one first, as some people regret being diagnosed due to the negative impact it had on their relationships, employment, healthcare, etc.

All the best...

Cheers,

Fern
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