Becoming

Hey everyone,

I have been feeling really strange lately. It's almost like I'm not okay with feeling okay. That is the only way I can think to describe it. In fact, I feel overwhelmed by it.

There is nothing really negative, dramatic, or chaotic regularly occurring in my life right now. I'm not even regularly depressed or anxious. Yet I still feel empty...like something is missing and I don't know what.

I've been having some PTSD about past experiences. That's about it. And I've even been pretty good at pushing those memories away...or just not wanting to deal with them at all.

Lately it's like my past wants to push through all sorts of negativity because there's none in the present. And I can't remember the last time there was no negativity in my life. You'd think that this would be a good thing, but it seems I am not okay with feeling okay.

Can anyone relate to this? It's very strange and a new experience for me.
What do I do about it?

Thanks!

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Bipolar II and Borderline Personality Disorder

Meds: Lamictal 100mg | Latuda 40mg |

jeremiahgirl

Becoming:

Hi I can relate to that feeling, I’m not presently feeling that way but I have in the past. And yes it was very unsettling actually so much that I would bring up painful things to distract from the calm . I think one should sit with the Ok feeling and ask “why does this feel so wrong or perhaps a better word is odd?” Could it be it’s so foreign one has to grow into it? Sorta like moving into a new home or community? It takes time to adjust to newness.

I struggle with the feeling “when is the shoe going to drop?” Feeling something is on the verge of happening; like looking for drama. It feels like a shadow of sorts lurking in my mind. I’m not sure if this is an avoidance of calm or what it is. But I certainly can identify with your question.

People with BPD struggle with non defensiveness. I’ve always been on the defense because of my upbringing so it’s hard to accept calm and peace. It will be interesting to see if others relate to your experience.
Take Care

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[SIGPIC][SIGPIC]
Forgiveness is not always easy but is possible!

TishaBuv

It sounds like you are not accustomed to feeling calm, so it is not yet comforting to you. It may have to do with adrenaline rush and and anxiety associated with stress. The calm is not providing the surge of dopamine?

There are times when a good, warm feeling of well being washes over me and it feels soooo good to me. I am able to feel it, love it, crave it, appreciate it as it’s so fleeting.

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"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
. About Me--T

LittleEarthquakes

Currently feeling this right now. It's like as soon as I'm bored, I just feel extremely distressed and empty about it. Yet I'm okay. Nothing bad is going on.

Misfit Toy

I understand. When there is not a lot of chaos distracting me, I have to sit with myself. Until I got a good therapist, that was unbearable. I say the right therapist because I was with a therapist for almost 2 years who could not help me. I had to sink into a deep depression in order to make changes in my life. I had to feel like it was the end and I had nothing to lose to try to find something else. I got very lucky to find a psychiatrist who prescribed the right meds, and a therapist who was experienced in childhood trauma. Facing that stuff with a therapist has helped me to let go of a lot of it. He is also very into meditation. Sitting with myself has gotten easier.

I hope you can get ok with being alone with yourself. It is very hard. It can cause us to create problems to distract us. You may want to read some from Pete Walker. Check out Petewalker.com. He helped me a lot when I was starting my therapy. Hugs!

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King Moonraiser:
A toy is never truly happy until it is loved by a child.

ReveuseTroublee

I think you are not used to it and so it is stressing you and of course also if you struggle a lot it keeps you busy in a sense... Boredom can increase feelings of emptiness and meaninglessness and as such can be triggering too in some people... Maybe it is time to try new things, to make experiences you could not before because you were to consumed by your struggles.