[cygne]

Everyone leaves. They've got their own support group, their peeps, their fam. I give my all and feel too much for those with whom I interact.

I can't shake off this feeling that something ominous is going to happen and I'll wake up the next day and whomever I've been talking to will just ghost me. It's so ingrained in the back of my head. I kinda feel like ending it myself.

I can't stand the silence. I don't mean the silence of being a homebody and a pariah. I mean the silence of not talking feelings through. Of not speaking the words.

I don't understand feelings. Am I blind? My therapist gave me a seemingly endless list of feelings & emotions — I leafed through it and ended up feeling consternation.

I feel at ease when others talk, when I can listen, and share something of myself. I am happy when others open up. But when words stop being used, and people resort to the everyday trivial convo, generic texting, the "how's-it-going-no-wait-don't-answer-it's-a-reflex" line and the never-ending brainless share-the-memes scroll, I lose it. I feel the person drifting away.

And I know people will say you can't have it all, or that there will be moments when you can' be as "deep", but I digress.

It's this stupid all-or-nothing condition. Can anyone relate?

TLDR: I'm needing advice since I'm stuck in a rut and hurt too much. I want to know if others relate to what I'm going through

[Yaowen]

Dear cygne,

I can definitely relate. You express the whole thing so vividly and so well. I wish my English was better so I could put into words exactly how it feels to me. But I think you have captured the very essence of it and done so very poetically. Your insight is deep.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

[megmeg9]

Hey cygne, I deeply relate to your issue. I've always thought everyone feels like that until I got diagnosed and did some research. Sadly, I really do not know how to cope with our fear. I still haven't found out how to get rid of it, or at least make it better. But I can relate to you, and I hope that helps you. Sending love your way

[ann yeltrab]

I'm not sure I understand what you are saying. Are you saying you don't like small talk? Also, when you say you get ghosted, is that online on chat sites? I know I can't figure out how to maneuver this site, so I talk once and can't find the same person again.
I don't like small talk either among a whole lot of things that are different about me. Then my therapist after five months of therapy insisted I'm on the autism spectrum. I don't know if she is right, but it sure explained most of my interactions with others.

[jeremiahgirl]

Hi, could it be your the person pulling away...from emotions (feelings)? It’s easy to project one’s weaknesses upon another as to (denial) one’s internal pain? One area in which BPD people has is a desire to be close yet push other’s away because the closeness is painful. Parents of caretakers who lack the ability to love, nurture etc. often withdraw from the child, ignoring their needs...the child resents this and will fight against (any attempt of love) this increases hostility, distress and distance with the bonding process. Here develops the VOID. An emptiness which many with BPD struggle with. It last throughout relationships in life.

We rarely get comfortable with accepting affection from others yet the inward heart desires it.

I believe this comes from the attachment issues when we are children and the relationship with our parent. The lack of attention and love develops an absence a void which I’m not sure is ever recovered.

I’m presently trying to understand this myself. Filling the VOIDS.

[cygne]

Originally Posted by ann yeltrab

I'm not sure I understand what you are saying. Are you saying you don't like small talk? Also, when you say you get ghosted, is that online on chat sites? I know I can't figure out how to maneuver this site, so I talk once and can't find the same person again.
I don't like small talk either among a whole lot of things that are different about me. Then my therapist after five months of therapy insisted I'm on the autism spectrum. I don't know if she is right, but it sure explained most of my interactions with others.

Small talk is definitely not something I'd like to do with someone close, like a friend, let's say. It's also real hard to refer to anyone as a friend, for the matter. I'm perfectly aware as to why people engage in small talk in social circles, but it doesn't change the fact that society as a whole is prefabricated. It's a mess.
Also, it's fine, don't worry. People come and go on this website too, so it is what it is. Make use of it and take whatever you need from it.
And regarding ghosting, yes. I meant both in real life and online.

[cygne]

Originally Posted by jeremiahgirl

Hi, could it be your the person pulling away...from emotions (feelings)? It’s easy to project one’s weaknesses upon another as to (denial) one’s internal pain? One area in which BPD people has is a desire to be close yet push other’s away because the closeness is painful. Parents of caretakers who lack the ability to love, nurture etc. often withdraw from the child, ignoring their needs...the child resents this and will fight against (any attempt of love) this increases hostility, distress and distance with the bonding process. Here develops the VOID. An emptiness which many with BPD struggle with. It last throughout relationships in life.

We rarely get comfortable with accepting affection from others yet the inward heart desires it.

I believe this comes from the attachment issues when we are children and the relationship with our parent. The lack of attention and love develops an absence a void which I’m not sure is ever recovered.

I’m presently trying to understand this myself. Filling the VOIDS.

Thanks for this. I'm working a lot on myself, so I can track my feelings and fluctuations. I'm not the one pushing people away, I only did so in relationships where I felt trapped or forced to be something I'm not (sadly I've gotten into knowing a lot of toxic people too).
I'm there most of the time, but the amount of pain I feel is unlike anyone could ever foster or fathom (unless struggling with similar conditions, I believe).
Lately I've come to terms that I'll never happen upon other humans or places where I could genuinely feel safe. Good times, sure, but it's gotten really dark for me. I don't find any purpose in keeping up appearances or lying to myself that it'll get better, because it won't. My derealization too stems from understanding that a single event can change my whole existence, and I dread that feeling to my very core.

Possible trigger:

I get intrusive thoughts of being hit by a car while just casually walking down the street. It's like a crippling fear.

So yea, maybe went a bit off-topic here, but both in those moments when I'm in pain, where I do make it clear to the other person that I'm going through a rough patch and in my "good moments", I'm there. Because I always had to be the responsible one in the house, so I carry that cross.