FAQ/Help |
Calendar |
Search |
Grand Member
Member Since Mar 2007
Location: In the South
Posts: 812
17 14 hugs
given |
#1
I seriously struggle when others give compliments to me; and Im not sure why. Though I know there’s self esteem issues I still struggle with this. My T has said he really would like to search out why I just can’t accept the simplest compliment; or encouragement. I have on occasion negated things he’s attempted to support me for and I think he’s puzzled by my rejection of my goodness.
Does anyone else struggle in this area? Thanks. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro __________________ [SIGPIC][SIGPIC] Forgiveness is not always easy but is possible! |
Reply With Quote |
Cassoway, Discombobulated, Fuzzybear, Picc77, WovenGalaxy
|
CANDC, Cassoway
|
Super Moderator
Community Support Team Community Liaison
Chat Leader Member Since May 2014
Location: Northeast USA New England
Posts: 17,468
(SuperPoster!)
10 2,314 hugs
given |
#2
Quote:
When someone compliments me, I have in the past tried to push it away as if that would tear down the whole house of cards that says I must strive for perfection. In the end, I realized even perfection on my part would not gain what I was seeking from other people in my life. I found many helpful articles googling Building Self Esteem. Hope you start going easy on yourself. This video may be of interest @CANDC One thing I started practicing when I got compliments, I said "Thank you for your kind words." It validated the other person and did not get me gloating over how good I was. __________________ Super Moderator Community Support Team "Things Take Time" |
|
Reply With Quote |
Cassoway, Fuzzybear, jeremiahgirl, RoxanneToto
|
Grand Member
Member Since Mar 2007
Location: In the South
Posts: 812
17 14 hugs
given |
#3
Thank You CANDC,
after reading your reply I was able to clarify some of my own inner struggle, I think I’m seeking some form of acceptance, even the word acceptance causes me to cringe, sigh. Yet, that seems somewhat difficult because most people don’t accept people with BPD; we’ve become an outcast because of internal issues we’ve been dealt with. I will view the info you posted thanks. Jeremiahgirl Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro __________________ [SIGPIC][SIGPIC] Forgiveness is not always easy but is possible! |
Reply With Quote |
Fuzzybear, RoxanneToto
|
Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,392
(SuperPoster!)
21 81.4k hugs
given |
#4
Quote:
__________________ |
|
Reply With Quote |
mote.of.soul
|
CANDC, jeremiahgirl
|
Junior Member
Member Since Aug 2021
Location: Liverpool
Posts: 16
2 21 hugs
given |
#5
Thanks for this thread. I can really identify with your post. I struggle with complements of any kind and have done for many years. Also however I crave validation so I experience a vicious cycle of seeking validation while never being able to trust any positive comments I receive. On the other hand I sometimes completely overreact to positive interactions which is equally problematic.
Self esteem issues linked to previous experience are a core part of this for me. I find it hard to believe that I have much value and thus anyone giving me any form of complement is either lying or after something. I like the idea of responding by thanking people for their kind words as it allows you to respond positively but at the same time recognises that there is a space between you, your actions and intent and those of the people you are engaging with. For me that kind of response buys me time to process encounters in a calmer way. I also think there is a cultural dimension to this. I lived in a household and culture where it was very much the case that no one should get ahead of themselves. I know its a cliche but it really does help me to place myself in positive company. Cassoway |
Reply With Quote |
Anonymous41462, Fuzzybear, Picc77, RoxanneToto
|
CANDC, Discombobulated, jeremiahgirl, RoxanneToto
|
Junior Member
Member Since Sep 2020
Location: United States
Posts: 24
3 21 hugs
given |
#6
Quote:
I have the same issue. I have a strong craving for compliments. Words of Affirmation used to be my first love language but has now changed to maybe my third due to my inability to trust what people actually think of me. When people give me compliments, I think they're lying or just saying things to make me believe they think highly of me. I'm not exactly sure what the reasoning behind this is, hopefully some day I'll be able to put it together, but compliments are very hard to accept for me. Even if I accept them in the moment, my mind will think about it later and it'll turn into, "They were just lying to you and you got tricked again." A vicious cycle names this perfectly. |
|
Reply With Quote |
Anonymous41462, Cassoway
|
CANDC, Cassoway, jeremiahgirl
|
Junior Member
Member Since Jul 2021
Location: Illinois
Posts: 18
2 6 hugs
given |
#7
I don't like when most people compliment me because some people say nice things but don't mean them to get close to me to use me or get money or anything else. So I don't trust that some people mean it. Some people could say they like my hair or clothes but that is a way to draw attention to what they think is not nice. When other people compliment me in groups, like teachers, it makes me the center of attention and I don't like that and it has made some people jealous or not like me. So maybe some people feel this same way.
|
Reply With Quote |
Anonymous41462, Cassoway
|
jeremiahgirl
|
Veteran Member
Member Since Jan 2011
Posts: 574
13 29 hugs
given |
#8
When someone pays me a compliment, I believe they are being sincere. I have learned simply to say thank you, and not read anything else into it.
|
Reply With Quote |
Anonymous41462
|
Discombobulated, jeremiahgirl
|
Grand Member
Member Since Mar 2007
Location: In the South
Posts: 812
17 14 hugs
given |
#9
I’m a work in progress regarding accepting compliments I struggle a lot with that; I’ve asked my T if that’s common and he said Yes! I’m wondering if it’s something associated with BPD or a general issues many struggle with. I’m my case the BPD issues don’t help with this on going issue. I’m a loner so I actually don’t go out much (less crowds The better.)
Me Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro __________________ [SIGPIC][SIGPIC] Forgiveness is not always easy but is possible! |
Reply With Quote |
Anonymous41462
|
Cassoway
|
Junior Member
Member Since Aug 2021
Location: Liverpool
Posts: 16
2 21 hugs
given |
#10
I am pretty sure that in my case the self esteem issues and lack of self worth that's part of the BPD is part of the problem. Its as if I have praise police sitting on my back who will not permit me to take complementary remarks at face value.
|
Reply With Quote |
Anonymous41462
|
CANDC
|
Super Moderator
Community Support Team Community Liaison
Chat Leader Member Since May 2014
Location: Northeast USA New England
Posts: 17,468
(SuperPoster!)
10 2,314 hugs
given |
#11
Quote:
Hope you find a way to be kind to yourself. __________________ Super Moderator Community Support Team "Things Take Time" |
|
Reply With Quote |
Anonymous41462
|
Super Moderator
Community Support Team Community Liaison
Chat Leader Member Since May 2014
Location: Northeast USA New England
Posts: 17,468
(SuperPoster!)
10 2,314 hugs
given |
#12
Quote:
Padraig O'Morain has videos on Self Compassion and Mindful Acceptance on youtube. To me, he is like the kind loving grandpa I never had. __________________ Super Moderator Community Support Team "Things Take Time" |
|
Reply With Quote |
Anonymous41462, Cassoway, Fuzzybear
|
Cassoway
|
Guest
Posts: n/a
|
#13
I love compliments in general. Even strangers calling out to me at the mall that they like my hair (currently bright peacock-blue). The only compliment i have trouble with is when people say i am strong because i feel i am not and they are misinterpreting me and will not behave appropriately, for example, will not be cautious about my feelings, which dynamic has happened even after i've TOLD the person that i am NOT strong, i am fragile.
Just because i have lived thru some heavy $h!t does not mean that i am strong. It merely means i endure, not that i flourish or that i can help them with their problems or have drawn any wise and pithy conclusions from overcoming my own suffering, to a degree. I do what i can, but sometimes it is not much and if i feel the person is so unstable that they are dangerous to be around, i can't be with them for my own protection. This leads to loneliness, however, just another thing to endure. |
Reply With Quote |
Fuzzybear
|
jeremiahgirl
|
Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,392
(SuperPoster!)
21 81.4k hugs
given |
#14
Interesting thread, I was just revisiting this. I don't think this issue is exclusive to those with BPD. I much prefer compliments to insults. Sometimes I question the sincerity of the compliment, not always though. My parental units were not ''generous'' with compliments... or anything else.
__________________ |
Reply With Quote |
Discombobulated, Travelinglady
|
jeremiahgirl
|
Grand Magnate
Member Since Oct 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 4,741
(SuperPoster!)
4 11.7k hugs
given |
#15
Quote:
I try to be careful/mindful when complimenting others, since I notice it can be a difficult thing for them to absorb. |
|
Reply With Quote |
Fuzzybear
|
jeremiahgirl
|
Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Sep 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 48,202
(SuperPoster!)
13 22.9k hugs
given |
#16
Interesting topic.
I met a young woman with that problem. I knew her mother, The mother was very critical, I noticed. Just a downer, always complaining. I understand her husband just up and left her at some point and didn't look back. At any rate, I wonder if that had to do with the young woman's cringing when I complimented her on the food she'd brought to sale at an event. Was your background anyway like that, jeremiah girl? |
Reply With Quote |
Discombobulated
|
Grand Member
Member Since Mar 2007
Location: In the South
Posts: 812
17 14 hugs
given |
#17
Travelinglady,
Thank You for asking I came from a dysfunctional family but my stepdad & mom did stay together. It was rough but they didn’t separate. I don’t know if this cringe thing has anything to do with my dx of BPD; Borderline Personality Disorder. I still don’t have an answer as to why it bothers me. (Mystery.) Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro __________________ [SIGPIC][SIGPIC] Forgiveness is not always easy but is possible! |
Reply With Quote |
Discombobulated
|