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Default Jun 08, 2021 at 01:37 PM
  #1
I seriously struggle when others give compliments to me; and Im not sure why. Though I know there’s self esteem issues I still struggle with this. My T has said he really would like to search out why I just can’t accept the simplest compliment; or encouragement. I have on occasion negated things he’s attempted to support me for and I think he’s puzzled by my rejection of my goodness.
Does anyone else struggle in this area?
Thanks. Cringe when others give compliments; why does this occur?

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Default Jun 08, 2021 at 09:21 PM
  #2
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Originally Posted by jeremiahgirl View Post
I seriously struggle when others give compliments to me; and Im not sure why. Though I know there’s self esteem issues I still struggle with this. My T has said he really would like to search out why I just can’t accept the simplest compliment; or encouragement. I have on occasion negated things he’s attempted to support me for and I think he’s puzzled by my rejection of my goodness.
Does anyone else struggle in this area?
Thanks. Cringe when others give compliments; why does this occur? Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro
I hear you and the struggle with compliments. I think self degradation is a bad habit we learn while growing up. It may be a result of being taught subtly that no matter how good we are we will never be good enough. The striving for perfection means we never get there.

When someone compliments me, I have in the past tried to push it away as if that would tear down the whole house of cards that says I must strive for perfection. In the end, I realized even perfection on my part would not gain what I was seeking from other people in my life.

I found many helpful articles googling Building Self Esteem. Hope you start going easy on yourself.

This video may be of interest Padraig O'Morain on Self-Compassion - YouTube
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One thing I started practicing when I got compliments, I said
"Thank you for your kind words." It validated the other person and did not get me gloating over how good I was.

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Default Jun 08, 2021 at 10:41 PM
  #3
Thank You CANDC,
after reading your reply I was able to clarify some of my own inner struggle, I think I’m seeking some form of acceptance, even the word acceptance causes me to cringe, sigh. Yet, that seems somewhat difficult because most people don’t accept people with BPD; we’ve become an outcast because of internal issues we’ve been dealt with. I will view the info you posted thanks.
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Default Jun 09, 2021 at 01:17 AM
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I hear you and the struggle with compliments. I think self degradation is a bad habit we learn while growing up. It may be a result of being taught subtly that no matter how good we are we will never be good enough. The striving for perfection means we never get there.

When someone compliments me, I have in the past tried to push it away as if that would tear down the whole house of cards that says I must strive for perfection. In the end, I realized even perfection on my part would not gain what I was seeking from other people in my life.

I found many helpful articles googling Building Self Esteem. Hope you start going easy on yourself.

This video may be of interest Padraig O'Morain on Self-Compassion - YouTube
@CANDC


One thing I started practicing when I got compliments, I said
"Thank you for your kind words." It validated the other person and did not get me gloating over how good I was.
Good thread, thanks

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Default Aug 21, 2021 at 04:54 PM
  #5
Thanks for this thread. I can really identify with your post. I struggle with complements of any kind and have done for many years. Also however I crave validation so I experience a vicious cycle of seeking validation while never being able to trust any positive comments I receive. On the other hand I sometimes completely overreact to positive interactions which is equally problematic.

Self esteem issues linked to previous experience are a core part of this for me. I find it hard to believe that I have much value and thus anyone giving me any form of complement is either lying or after something. I like the idea of responding by thanking people for their kind words as it allows you to respond positively but at the same time recognises that there is a space between you, your actions and intent and those of the people you are engaging with. For me that kind of response buys me time to process encounters in a calmer way.

I also think there is a cultural dimension to this. I lived in a household and culture where it was very much the case that no one should get ahead of themselves. I know its a cliche but it really does help me to place myself in positive company.

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Default Aug 21, 2021 at 10:21 PM
  #6
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I struggle with complements of any kind and have done for many years. Also however I crave validation so I experience a vicious cycle of seeking validation while never being able to trust any positive comments I receive.
Well, look at that. You put my exact thoughts into words.

I have the same issue. I have a strong craving for compliments. Words of Affirmation used to be my first love language but has now changed to maybe my third due to my inability to trust what people actually think of me. When people give me compliments, I think they're lying or just saying things to make me believe they think highly of me. I'm not exactly sure what the reasoning behind this is, hopefully some day I'll be able to put it together, but compliments are very hard to accept for me. Even if I accept them in the moment, my mind will think about it later and it'll turn into, "They were just lying to you and you got tricked again."

A vicious cycle names this perfectly.
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Default Aug 21, 2021 at 11:46 PM
  #7
I don't like when most people compliment me because some people say nice things but don't mean them to get close to me to use me or get money or anything else. So I don't trust that some people mean it. Some people could say they like my hair or clothes but that is a way to draw attention to what they think is not nice. When other people compliment me in groups, like teachers, it makes me the center of attention and I don't like that and it has made some people jealous or not like me. So maybe some people feel this same way.
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Default Aug 22, 2021 at 05:40 AM
  #8
When someone pays me a compliment, I believe they are being sincere. I have learned simply to say thank you, and not read anything else into it.
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Default Aug 22, 2021 at 09:37 AM
  #9
I’m a work in progress regarding accepting compliments I struggle a lot with that; I’ve asked my T if that’s common and he said Yes! I’m wondering if it’s something associated with BPD or a general issues many struggle with. I’m my case the BPD issues don’t help with this on going issue. I’m a loner so I actually don’t go out much (less crowds The better.)
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Default Aug 22, 2021 at 12:25 PM
  #10
I am pretty sure that in my case the self esteem issues and lack of self worth that's part of the BPD is part of the problem. Its as if I have praise police sitting on my back who will not permit me to take complementary remarks at face value.
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Default Aug 22, 2021 at 05:43 PM
  #11
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Thank You CANDC,
after reading your reply I was able to clarify some of my own inner struggle, I think I’m seeking some form of acceptance, even the word acceptance causes me to cringe, sigh. Yet, that seems somewhat difficult because most people don’t accept people with BPD; we’ve become an outcast because of internal issues we’ve been dealt with. I will view the info you posted thanks.
Jeremiahgirl

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I hear you about acceptance. Many times I want others to accept me on my terms and they do not usually do that. Sometimes I read into a friendship more than is there. Relationships are one of the most challenging things for me.

Hope you find a way to be kind to yourself.

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Default Aug 22, 2021 at 05:49 PM
  #12
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I am pretty sure that in my case the self esteem issues and lack of self worth that's part of the BPD is part of the problem. Its as if I have praise police sitting on my back who will not permit me to take complementary remarks at face value.
I hear you about praise police. For me it is called The Inner Critic. Nothing I do is ever good enough for them. This can even spread to the people I choose for relationships as they can also externalize the Inner Critic, and blame me for everything. I guess in some ways I internalize criticism from the outside and act as if being criticized from the outside. Anyone complimenting me is surely going to get me in trouble with The Inner Critic.

Padraig O'Morain has videos on Self Compassion and Mindful Acceptance on youtube. To me, he is like the kind loving
grandpa I never had.

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Default Aug 22, 2021 at 09:55 PM
  #13
I love compliments in general. Even strangers calling out to me at the mall that they like my hair (currently bright peacock-blue). The only compliment i have trouble with is when people say i am strong because i feel i am not and they are misinterpreting me and will not behave appropriately, for example, will not be cautious about my feelings, which dynamic has happened even after i've TOLD the person that i am NOT strong, i am fragile.

Just because i have lived thru some heavy $h!t does not mean that i am strong. It merely means i endure, not that i flourish or that i can help them with their problems or have drawn any wise and pithy conclusions from overcoming my own suffering, to a degree.

I do what i can, but sometimes it is not much and if i feel the person is so unstable that they are dangerous to be around, i can't be with them for my own protection.

This leads to loneliness, however, just another thing to endure.
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Default Feb 16, 2022 at 05:30 PM
  #14
Interesting thread, I was just revisiting this. I don't think this issue is exclusive to those with BPD. I much prefer compliments to insults. Sometimes I question the sincerity of the compliment, not always though. My parental units were not ''generous'' with compliments... or anything else.

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Default Feb 16, 2022 at 05:40 PM
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Interesting thread, I was just revisiting this. I don't think this issue is exclusive to those with BPD. I much prefer compliments to insults. Sometimes I question the sincerity of the compliment, not always though. My parental units were not ''generous'' with compliments... or anything else.
I think it can be cultural too, I feel my culture doesn’t encourage compliments - growing up we were always told not to be ‘big headed’ which I now find quite a funny expression. I notice many other people from my culture also struggle with being given compliments.

I try to be careful/mindful when complimenting others, since I notice it can be a difficult thing for them to absorb.
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Default Feb 26, 2022 at 02:19 PM
  #16
Interesting topic.

I met a young woman with that problem. I knew her mother, The mother was very critical, I noticed. Just a downer, always complaining. I understand her husband just up and left her at some point and didn't look back.

At any rate, I wonder if that had to do with the young woman's cringing when I complimented her on the food she'd brought to sale at an event.

Was your background anyway like that, jeremiah girl?
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Default Feb 26, 2022 at 06:13 PM
  #17
Travelinglady,
Thank You for asking I came from a dysfunctional family but my stepdad & mom did stay together. It was rough but they didn’t separate.

I don’t know if this cringe thing has anything to do with my dx of BPD; Borderline Personality Disorder. I still don’t have an answer as to why it bothers me. (Mystery.)

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